It's the Dyslexic Deacon! Sinodd Rocks Wobbly

Yes, he's back and reporting on the venerable but shrinking Church of England and its recent Gendral Sinodd. Over to you, Deacon:

The Chruch of Ingland's Genderal Sinodd has desided not to take nowt of a long-aweighted £360,000 Bishops' Rapport on Homosectuality, Mantrimony, and Status Quo (with reverence to 'Down the dustpipe' 1970, Whatever you want 1979, and Burning bridges 1988).

Sinodd Delgeates

APB Justsin Wobbly, Promate of Ingland's Naglican Chruch, said 'All plobrems are made in the image of God'. He will now aks the Chruch Conmissiomers for £500,000 for a much stronger dysagreement.

The Church of England's Genderal  Sinodd is famous for being unable to affirm that marriage is something that takes place between a man and a woman.

Rumours that Justsin Wobbly's coat of arms now include a rainbow unicorn are presently unconfirmed.

LSP

Anglican Instruments of Communion Flash Past Space Station!

UFO enthusiasts were stunned when live footage from the International Space Station (ISS) revealed the Anglican Instruments of Communion flashing past the spaceship like bright lights.

In live footage uploaded by ET experts, mysterious glowing lights can be seen moving across the backdrop of planet Earth. However, when the strange Instruments of Communion get too close for comfort, an astronaut appears to block the camera's view.

The Instruments of Communion

This has led some experts to speculate that the long lost Instruments of Communion do, in fact, exist. However, conspiracy theorists claim that the lights are part of an elaborate "cover up."

"These are some incredible clips, I've never seen any of them. How could anyone possibly debunk these?" said one UFO pundit, while a conspiracy theorist stated, "No one's fooled. It's an elaborate cover up by Lambeth Palace, they don't want us [to] know that the Instruments are lost in space."

Cover Up?

The enigmatic Anglican Instruments of Communion are: The Archbishop of Canterbury, the Lambeth Conference, the Primates Meeting and the Anglican Consultative Council. 

A Space Alien

These were reported missing in the 1970s when the Episcopal Church (TEC) ordained women clergypersons and have been sporadically sighted over the last 40 years.

Justin Welby's Tailor

Archbishop Justin Welby was unavailable for comment.

Ad Astra,

LSP

The Archbishop of Canterbury Goes Dhimmwit

In his New Year address, the Archbishop of Canterbury, toffee nosed old Etonian, Justin Welby tried to pour cold water on Great Britain’s popular vote to leave the hated European Union and welcome "strangers."

A Muslim Stranger

Addressing the nation, the Church of England’s top bishop and former Elf Oil executive claimed that the democratically mandated BREXIT had left Great Britain divided and encouraged us to offer “hospitality to the stranger”.

Live Well Together, With Strangers

“Living well together despite our differences, offering hospitality to the stranger and those in exile, with unshakable hope for the future – these are the gifts, the commands and the promises of Jesus Christ,” stated Welby.

Dumbass

It sounds good, right? Very Christian, but hold on a minute, your Reverence! Who are these “strangers”? Surely not millions of military age Muslims, the kind of head chopping savages that drive trucks into Christmas markets or turn once happy Sweden into the rape capital of the world. We’re supposed to welcome these people into our countries, and that’s offering Christian “hospitality”?

Dhimmwit

What a load of dhimwitted old guff. Maybe Great Britain should have offered Hitler’s Nazis “unshakable hope” and welcomed them, “despite our differences” into the country. Great idea, bishop, except that it's risible drivel.

Sorry, Welby, why don’t you concentrate on your job and sort out the real difference that concerns you, the difference between you and everyone else that doesn’t attend your shrinking Church.

And stop being a dhimmwit,

LSP

Is Justin Welby The Mekon?

Startling photo-analysis reveals that the top decisionmaker in the Anglican Communion, Archbishop Justin Welby, is the Mekon. 

The Mekon

"The Archbishop of Canterbury's large, hairless, oval domehead, narrow chin and slit mouth are sure giveaways," stated one Xenologist, "And he sits on a throne, like the Mekon. He can never lose."

Justin Welby

The Mekon was created by scientific experimentation, and engineered for a very high intelligence. As such he has a swollen head containing his massive brain and atrophied body. His goal is the domination of the Anglican Communion by the Episcopal Church.

Artist's Impression of an Anglican Primate

The Archbishop of Canterbury has announced plans for a Primates Meeting in 2017. Will the primates obey their off-world ruler?

Lambeth Palace declined to comment,

LSP

They're Not Saying It's Aliens

But they're not saying it isn't, either, which is why ET boffins at SETI (Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence) are tuning their telescopes onto a mysterious signal coming from a star in the Hercules constellation, HD 164595.

A tentative translation of the signal reads:

"I don't have a good answer to it. If we were the only Church here and [there were] no other Churches, and if division didn't matter it would be much easier to answer. We were traditionalist, then we were vicious. Now we just look odd."

The stargazing scientists who discovered the strange signal, led by Nikolai Bursov of the Russian Academy of Sciences’ Special Astrophysical Observatory, think that HD 164595 is as a good candidate for SETI investigation as any. “Permanent monitoring of this target is needed,” they say.

Others discount the signal as "meaningless gibberish."

"It's just stray signals being microlensed by the star's gravitational pull," said one SETI source, "They don't mean anything, it's meaningless gibberish."

Justin Welby, who is known on social media as the Deputy Anti-Christ, was unavailable for comment.

To the Stars,

LSP

Lena Dunham Launches Womyn Bishop Lingerie Line

Clay Golem

Popular body positive TV star, Lena Dunham, has launched a controversial lingerie line for women bishops.

Womyn Bishop

Labelled "Lonely," Dunham describes the racy underwear as a "love letter to yourself" and refused to have images of herself promoting the lingerie in Brooklyn photoshopped, so that womyn bishops would feel empowered about their bodies.

At Last!

But will cash-strapped prelates be able to afford Dunham's upscale boudoir wear? Not to worry, Lonely retails at a price even penny pinching Church of England bishops can afford, $60.

Justsin Welby

Lena Dunham is a wealthy celebrity socialist with an estimated net worth of $12 million. When asked whether Lambeth Palace endorsed Lonely, Old Etonian, Justsin Welby, declined to comment.

Cantaur,

LSP

Archbishop of Canterbury in Detroit Phone Heist?

Detroit police have released photos of a larceny suspect from the crime plagued city’s west side, to help investigators find the man wanted in connection with the incident.

A camera showed the suspect, wearing a stonewashed buttoned shirt, black T-shirt, dark shorts and white gym-shoes, inside the Marathon filling station in the 16300 block of Fenkell  at about 7 p.m. May 6. He then proceeded to grab a woman's cell phone and race from the store into a parked maroon vehicle, shouting, "Consequences!"

Authorities described him as a middle-aged Caucasian male, 5-foot-10, 160 pounds, with a gray complexion, and a startling resemblance to the Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby.

Anyone who has any information is asked to call the Detroit Police Eighth Precinct Investigative Unit at (313) 596-5840 or Crime Stoppers of Michigan at 1-800-SPEAK-UP.

Justin Welby was last seen attempting to pawn church regalia on the Motor City's notorious 8 Mile Road.

LSP

The Church of England Found Snooping, in Wisconsin?

A Wisconsin man claims to have seen the Church of England snooping around his house in Monona, Dale County.

The anonymous Wisconsinite saw the Church from a reflection in his window. “It was in the reflection of the room," he said, "while my back was turned. It apparently sneaked from hiding to staircase. My father was asleep in a different room.”

By the time the man turned around the Church had gone, leaving "no trace." However, the Monona resident was able to describe the small denomination as being 4' tall, balding, with a small mouth and large alien-like eyes. The humanoid entity was reportedly wearing a "blue one-piece with no belt." 

However, some experts disagree. "I've seen the drawing and it's clearly not the Church of England," stated one pundit, "It looks a lot more like the Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby. You can tell by its glasses, head and grey-like features. He might have been sneaking about for money or food."

Why the Church of England or its leader, Archbishop Welby, have been sneaking through houses in Wisconsin remains unknown.

Monona, Wisconsin, has a population of 8,000.

LSP

Consequences, Consequences

All the world knows that the small but fabulously wealthy Episcopal Church (TEC) got itself in trouble with the Primates of the Anglican Communion for being, well, you know, so very gay, maybe the gayest little rainbow of a church the world has ever seen.

Because of that, the diminutive and shrinking Episcopal Church was sanctioned for a period of three years and not allowed to represent the Communion by taking part in its decision making with regards to doctrine or polity. 

The Improbably Named Bishop Tengatenga, Outgoing Chair of the ACC

So far so good, but then the members thin but coffers full Episcopal Church was invited to send delegates to the Anglican Consultative Council's (ACC) meeting in Lusaka, Zambia, earlier this month. And who can blame the ACC? After all, the faith weak but dollar rich denomination funds the ACC to the tune of $400,000 a year. Small change for the empty-pewed but bank-vault-full Episcopal Church, big money for cash starved ACC.

The TEC delegation had a good time of it in Lusaka and were pleased to write about their success in ignoring the sanctions imposed by the Primates:

A Typical TEC Delegate to Lusaka

“Because this ACC meeting was held in the shadow of the January Primates Gathering and Meeting that sought to restrict our participation as members from The Episcopal Church, we want to assure you that we participated fully in this meeting and that we were warmly welcomed and included by other ACC members.”

Justsin

The Archbishop of Canterbury, Justsin Welby, was also present at the event and stated, “The ACC received my report [on the Primates Meeting], which included those consequences. The consequences stand.”

TEC Presiding Bishop Michael Curry

Team LSP questions the transparency of these "consequences;" apparently the Episcopal Church is unable to see them. 

Good luck, Worldwide Anglican Non Communion.

Your Friend,

LSP

Massive Dust Devil Spotted on Mars

Lucky NASA boffins have captured an image of a massive dust devil on Mars, much larger than it is on earth.

The photo of the enormous whirling dust storm was caught by NASA's Opportunity rover as it trundled across the red planet's Meridiani Planum, and it left scientists excited.

Dust Devil

"This is one of the best dust devils that we have seen in Meridiani Planum," said lead investigator Ray Arvidson, "We are lucky to have captured this one in an image!"

Dust Devils form when hot air connects with wind sheer, producing a swirling mass of airborne grit, sand and dust.

Aerial View of a Dust Devil

The Anglican Consultative Council was unavailable for comment.

LSP

Oculus Rift

This is what you think you see.

Mantoid

This is the reality.

Drones in the Hive

Take. The. Goggles. Off.

God bless,

LSP

Archbishop of Canterbury in Easter Bunny Mall Brawl

That bunny packs a punch!

The Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, was attempting to raise money for the cash-strapped Church of England, by dressing up as the Easter Bunny at a New Jersey Mall. But things started to go wrong when a young girl slipped off the Pontif's lap.

The girl's father became irate and started to brawl with the Archbishop, at which point Welby took off his furry rabbit mask and charged at the angry dad, swinging punches.

Both the Archbishop and the enraged father were escorted out of the shopping center by mall security and taken to a medical clinic for treatment.

Whether Welby was under the influence of the dangerous new synthetic drug, "ACC", has yet to be determined.

High on "ACC"?

Carry on,

LSP

The Archbishop of Canterbury is Steve Jobs?

Startling new photo evidence suggests that former oil executive and Motorcity brawler, Archbishop Justin Welby, is in fact Steve Jobs.

Evidence emerged at a rural Texan Walmart, where stunned onlookers were shocked to see the face of the Archbishop of Canterbury on CD covers of the smash-hit film, Steve Jobs. 

Justin Welby, Steve Jobs

"I never knew Justin Welby was the high-tech genius behind Apple," stated one worried farmer, "I thought he was just, you know, an oil executive who went off the rez (reservation) in Detroit, hustling for spare change and trying to pawn his finery on 8 Mile."

Bronski Beat With Justin Welby (Center)

Others aren't convinced. According to sources at the Anglican Consultative Council, "The Archbishop of Canterbury is not Steve Jobs. Everyone knows he was the lead singer with the Bronski Beat. Nothing has changed."

Is Justin Welby Steve Jobs, or the former singer of the famous pop boy band, Bronski Beat?

You, the reader, be the judge.

LSP