Anglican Center in Rome Gets a Genius

Did you know that there's an Anglican Centre in Rome? Well there is, and it's all about promoting Christian unity, not least between Canterbury and the Holy See. The Centre says as much on its website. 

The Anglican Centre in Rome is the permanent Anglican Communion presence in Rome. It is a living symbol of our Communion's commitment to the full visible unity of the Church.

Unity

Sounds good, right? All very ut unum sint, which is doubtless why this venerable outpost of Anglican ecumenism has appointed a new director who does believe in gay marriage but doesn't believe in the bodily resurrection, the Very Rev. Dr. John Shepherd.

Shepherd, who served as Dean of Perth Cathedral, is married to a woman and was famous for supporting gay marriage. You can read his line of reasoning here and if you do, note the privileged clergyperson enlisting the aid of St. Paul. It's a clever trick, St. Paul was really in favor of same sex marriage because he was so against it. Whatever, John.

Walk Into The Light!

But that was then, this is now and Shepherd's famous again for denying the bodily resurrection of Christ. So much for the Apostle, the Gospels, the Church Fathers, and every Christian worth the name from the beginning up until now. And that's just it.

How can someone like Shepherd even say they're a Christian while denying the resurrection? To quote Shepherd's favorite Apostle, "your faith is in vain." So too, we have to imagine, is the Anglican Centre's claim to be a "living symbol" of "the full visible unity of the Church."

A Typical Mantid

The problem here is that Christians, even Pope Francis, believe in the resurrection. The Anglican Communion's representative in Rome doesn't. Unity, obviously, isn't in it. I'll leave you with Kirk, via Ignatius:

Quite simply there is no firm or fixed ground on which such discussions can be based. What price agreement on the real presence in the Eucharist, for example, when the bodily resurrection itself is in question? Agreement on the former whilst the latter remained an open question would quite simply be absurd. Of course, one cannot know for certain how many Anglican clergy, like the Very Rev’d John Shepherd, deny the resurrection. But one can be assured that unbelief is no impediment to preferment. And be pretty well certain that its incidence increases up the hierarchy.

And be pretty well certain that its incidence increases up the hierarchy. Exactly. 

All Means All, Justsin

Rumours that Lambeth Palace is controlled by Heisenberg Principle beings from another dimension are entirely that, rumours.

All means all,

LSP

Time Traveler

A transdimensional time traveler has broken silence to tell us what life was like for the Worldwide Anglican Non Communion pre 2000, Before Trans Era (BTE).

Some Kind of Joke?

"It was different," says "Josh" who wishes to remain anonymous, "We were there, like a normal church, and then everything got weird. There were all these priestesses and they did some kind of deal with the gays. Maybe in Chicago.

Gene, Loretta, Sharpton, the Trinity

"Next thing you know they'd gone full rainbow and there were lesbian bishops and this guy, Gene Robinson, but he's gone now because it's not cool to be gay, you have to be trans. 

Gross Van Dyke

"I know this, I sat in Ian Markham's study at VTS, he went to King's, and heard it all spelled out. It was going to get them lots of people in the pews but it didn't. More people get buried in the Episcopal Church than get baptized."

Psi Power

Ian Markham, Dean of the prestigious white privilege seminary, VTS, was unavailable for comment and so was "Josh", the time traveler. The Episcopal Church continues to hemorrhage members despite going "full rainbow."

Justsin

The Archbishop of Canterbury is popularly known as "Justsin."

God bless,

LSP

Archbishop of Canterbury Levitates In Mexico!

A Mexican star gazer, Salvador Guerrero, got more than he bargained for when he climbed onto his roof in Colonia Agricola Oriental for an evening's UFO spotting. 

Looking out over the night sky, Guerrero saw a floating object that defied belief, the Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby.

Zooming in on the humanoid figure with his video camera, Guerrero witnessed the Archbishop inexplicably hovering in midair.

"The Archbishop had no wings, no parachute, no engine, he just floated, bobbing up and down," stated the shocked UFO spotter, "He was spinning slowly, arms outstretched, then he disappeared behind a house."

The Archbishop's destination is currently unknown.

Ad Astra,

LSP

Archbishop Of Canterbury In Black Friday Mall Brawl

Reports are coming in from around the country that the leader of the cash-strapped Church of England, Archbishop Justin Welby, has been Black Friday mall brawling for cheap deals in a desperate attempt to fix the finances of the Anglican Communion.

Following Thanksgiving, Black Friday discounts drive shoppers into a frenzy as they compete for door buster deals, and Archbishop Justsin was no exception, fighting for bargains with thousands of other hungry shoppers.

Police broke up mall brawls in numerous locations, including Alabama, Detroit and Jersey City.  Always one to mind the bottom line, Archbishop Justsin has reportedly installed 52" flatscreens in Lambeth Palace and stocked his drawers with cut-price cotton twill Chinos.

What this means for the present day Worldwide Anglican Non Communion (WANC) is presently unclear.

Quo Vadis,

LSP

Welby's Chinos!

They're here, they're there, they're everywhere, you guessed it, Welby's Chinos! 

Never one to stand on ceremony, Old Etonian Archbishop Justsin likes nothing better than to throw down his finely tailored Saville Row suits and pull on a pair of happy go lucky chinos.

Africans Amazed At Welby's Chinos

As a heartfelt proponent of cross-dressing for children, Welby favors the insouciant "whiter shade of pale" chino over its more formal variant, the traditional khaki.

Welby's Chinos Closeup

On TV and off TV, in Synod and out, strolling down the Mall with all the other swells or hanging loose in Old Compton Street, you name it, Archbishop Justin's right at home, in his free and easy cotton twills.

Don't Laugh At The Chinos!

So whether you're rocking a tutu and a fireman's helmet, a tool belt or tiara, never fear, Justsin's here, in chinos!

Bell Harry Forever,

LSP

UFO Hunters Find ACoC On Mars!

Amazed UFO hunters believe they've discovered ACoC (Anglican Church of Canada) on the surface of the red planet.

Images of the crashed 1.3 mile long object were discovered in footage from NASA's Mars Global Surveyor, leading xenologists to conclude that ACoC had at last been found.

ACoC Enhanced

“I have processed, colorized and rebuilt the object and in my opinion it is ACoC," stated one expert, "The object is too degraded to enhance totally so I have rebuilt it using the points of interest, it's also over a mile long, so this must have been a mothership, either a Martian one or possibly an off planet alien species. That's when we realized we had found ACoC, but why did it crash?”

Why did it crash, on Mars?

Why Did It Crash?

That, readers, is a very good question.

Ad Astra,

LSP

Sightings Reveal Diocese of Oxford And Communion Hybrids

Newly declassified files from the UK's Ministry of Defence reveal a close encounter of the bizarre kind, detailing a chance sighting of the Diocese of Oxford.

An Oxfordshire resident saw the off-world diocese hovering over a field in 1998, where it made crop circles. According to the anonymous witness, the mysterious object was 40 foot tall, pink, covered in flashing lights and decorated with the diocesan logo, a large Egyptian Ankh.

Oxford

The observer sent drawings of the strange craft to the MOD, stating,"I have developed contact with these craft and their enemy forces." However, the MOD did not investigate and the object disappeared.

Communion Hybrid

In related news, ET xenologists have discovered a new form of semi-extraterrestrial life, the Anglican Communion Hybrid. Communion Hybrids are believed to be part human, part alien Grey and have "telepathic" powers.

"The being (Communion Hybrid) seemed to be telepathic," stated one expert, "And his appearance was rough and weathered as in premature aging."

A Grey

According to an eyewitness' drawing, the humanoid appeared to be malformed and suffering from a form of mental illness. These apparent physical defects reveal that hybridization is potentially vulnerable to error, indicating that the Grey's genetic program experienced random error beyond their control.

Random Error

When questioned about their part in the hybrid program, the Diocese of Oxford refused to comment.

Ad Astra,

LSP

Dark Matter Holding Anglican Communion Together Captured by Boffins

Stargazing boffins at the University of Waterloo, Canada, have captured an image of the mysterious "dark matter" that holds the Anglican Communion together.

Using a technique known as gravitational lensing, which detects unseen mass, the Canadian astrophysicists were able to create a picture of the dark matter bridge that holds the Anglican Communion together.

Before the groundbreaking discovery, astronomers were baffled by the Anglican Communion's continued existence because visible matter wasn't strong enough to keep the Church together. This led to speculation that an unseen force was at work, acting as a scaffold to to bond the Communion.

Dark matter is an invisible element said to make up around 84 per cent of the Anglican Communion. It's known as "dark" because it doesn't shine, absorb or reflect light, which has traditionally made it largely undetectable, except through gravity and gravitational lensing.

Whether dark matter will continue to hold the Anglican Communion together and prevent its various Churches from spinning off at random into the icy void of deep space remains to be seen.

Ad Astra,

LSP

Is Justin Welby The Mekon?

Startling photo-analysis reveals that the top decisionmaker in the Anglican Communion, Archbishop Justin Welby, is the Mekon. 

The Mekon

"The Archbishop of Canterbury's large, hairless, oval domehead, narrow chin and slit mouth are sure giveaways," stated one Xenologist, "And he sits on a throne, like the Mekon. He can never lose."

Justin Welby

The Mekon was created by scientific experimentation, and engineered for a very high intelligence. As such he has a swollen head containing his massive brain and atrophied body. His goal is the domination of the Anglican Communion by the Episcopal Church.

Artist's Impression of an Anglican Primate

The Archbishop of Canterbury has announced plans for a Primates Meeting in 2017. Will the primates obey their off-world ruler?

Lambeth Palace declined to comment,

LSP

Archbishop of Canterbury in Detroit Phone Heist?

Detroit police have released photos of a larceny suspect from the crime plagued city’s west side, to help investigators find the man wanted in connection with the incident.

A camera showed the suspect, wearing a stonewashed buttoned shirt, black T-shirt, dark shorts and white gym-shoes, inside the Marathon filling station in the 16300 block of Fenkell  at about 7 p.m. May 6. He then proceeded to grab a woman's cell phone and race from the store into a parked maroon vehicle, shouting, "Consequences!"

Authorities described him as a middle-aged Caucasian male, 5-foot-10, 160 pounds, with a gray complexion, and a startling resemblance to the Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby.

Anyone who has any information is asked to call the Detroit Police Eighth Precinct Investigative Unit at (313) 596-5840 or Crime Stoppers of Michigan at 1-800-SPEAK-UP.

Justin Welby was last seen attempting to pawn church regalia on the Motor City's notorious 8 Mile Road.

LSP

Massive Dust Devil Spotted on Mars

Lucky NASA boffins have captured an image of a massive dust devil on Mars, much larger than it is on earth.

The photo of the enormous whirling dust storm was caught by NASA's Opportunity rover as it trundled across the red planet's Meridiani Planum, and it left scientists excited.

Dust Devil

"This is one of the best dust devils that we have seen in Meridiani Planum," said lead investigator Ray Arvidson, "We are lucky to have captured this one in an image!"

Dust Devils form when hot air connects with wind sheer, producing a swirling mass of airborne grit, sand and dust.

Aerial View of a Dust Devil

The Anglican Consultative Council was unavailable for comment.

LSP

Oculus Rift

This is what you think you see.

Mantoid

This is the reality.

Drones in the Hive

Take. The. Goggles. Off.

God bless,

LSP

Monster Gas Cloud Heads Towards Earth

A massive cloud of hot gas is heading towards earth and an inevitable collision with our galaxy. Known as Episcopal Bishops Respond to Primates (EBRP) or the "Curry Cloud" for short, the huge gas cloud is thought to have originated close to home.

Curry

“Our galaxy is recycling its gas through clouds, the Curry Cloud being one example, and will form stars in different places than before,” said a spokesperson for the Space Telescope Science Institute in Baltimore, Maryland.

Budde

While astronomers are still attempting to explain why the cloud moved away from our galaxy in the first place, evidence from the Hubble telescope indicates that it has a high sulfur content. Some even theorize that the immense cloud of gas was caused by "dark matter."

Brookhart

According to an an astronomer with the National Radio Astronomy Observatory, “There are theoretical calculations suggesting that a dark matter satellite could capture gas as it passes through the Milky Way disk and that may be the amazing circumstance we are witnessing.”

Bruno

The Curry Cloud has been poetically described by stargazing boffins as "what goes up must come down."

Whalon

Mysterious radio signals emanating from the hurtling cloud of superheated gas are currently under investigation, but Ufologists may be in for a disappointment. "It's just gas," said one expert, "really, really hot gas."

Reeves

The Anglican Consultative Council (ACC) was unavailable for comment.

LSP