Some Kind Of Joke Mate?

Here's the Archbishop of Canterbury, he's saying a worship ritual in his kitchen. No kidding, the leader, the apostolic head of the English Church is gettin' down like a bit-part chef in his plates-on-the-wall kitchen. Really? Yes, really, when he had all of Lambeth Palace to raise up the people to Christ and hope, strength and consolation in the Risen Lord.

That aside, why aren't COE clergy allowed to livestream services from their churches? Not optimal, granted, but better than some low-level, stripped-pine  kitchen malfeasance. Maybe it's because Welby, an Etonian, didn't want his clergy to seem somehow elitist by, you know, saying worship rituals in their churches when everyone else is at home.

What utter, imbecilic, risible, faked up, hypocritical, weak, rubbish plate-on-the-wall uselessness. And what a total contrast to HRH Elizabeth II. She used her privilege, and it's not inconsiderable, to lift the nation and its people. 

Of course the Queen represents the old and true England, unlike the laughable, equivocating, bishop figure currently holding down the See of Canterbury. But hey, when you're heading up the third largest communion in the world, do it in your kitchen coz that's a powerful message.

Your Pal,

LSP

Church of England Captured on Film

There it is. You step out on the back porch for some coffee and "quiet time" and what do you get? Yes, the Church of England.

There she was, climbing up my window,  a ferocious predator. I had to ask, is this the whole denomination or just its leader?

Lambeth Palace declined to comment. In the meanwhile, rumours of Mantis People, Mantids, taking over the venerable CoE are just that, rumours.

Quatermass,

LSP

Zero Point Energy

What is Zero Point Energy? Thanks to quantum mechanics and Heisenberg's uncertainty principle, we know that the absolute position and velocity of any particle cannot be simultaneously definable.

So even at a temperature of absolute zero, any substance must have a certain minimum energy. This energy is referred to as zero-point energy (ZPE). 

There have been speculations that usable energy might be extracted using ZPE but this is almost certainly pseudoscience.

Lambeth Palace declined to comment.

God bless,

LSP

Five Ways To Spot A Reptilian Shapeshifter

Xenologists believe off-world reptilian aliens are hiding in plain sight here on earth, where they take the form of human beings. Fortunately, there are five main ways to spot a reptilian shapeshifter.

1. Eyes. Does the "person" have reptile eyes, with pupils like vertical slits? If they do, chances are you've spotted a lizard person.

2. Skin. While reptilians go to great lengths to conceal their true appearance, sometimes their disguise slips, revealing scales. A clear sign that this isn't a human being but a lizard shapeshifter.

3. Flickering. Reptilians use advanced holographic space technology to project a human image over their real bodies. However, due to fluctuating power sources and light conditions, the image can flicker, exposing the apparent person as a reptilian.

4. Soul. Reptilians attempt to mimic human emotions such as love and empathy but this is an act, covering up a grey, soulless interior. Look out for artificiality, a sense that something's not quite "right." If that's the case, there's a high possibility you've discovered a reptile alien.

5. Instinct. Trust your intuition. According to more experienced lizard-spotters, if you feel like the person has an alien presence, they might well be a reptilian.

Lambeth Palace declined to comment.

LSP

Time Traveler Exposes Grey Aliens!

A mysterious time traveler from 2030 has made the shocking claim that space aliens from another planet are living here on earth.

Wearing a Guy Fawkes mask, the time traveler, named Roman, told Apex TV that the aliens are called Greys and are typically tall, with bad eyesight, high foreheads and receding hair. 

And while some are already living on earth, Roman says more will come in the near future:

As I said, in your time there are already Greys inhabiting Earth, and whenever they see that it is peaceful for them, they decided to come here in multitudes.

At first we thought it was an alien invasion. We thought it was an attack on planet Earth.

While skeptics dismiss Roman's claims,  truth might be stranger than fiction, with Grey aliens hiding in plain sight.

Lambeth Palace declined to comment.

Ad Astra,

LSP

Archbishop Of Canterbury In Black Friday Mall Brawl

Reports are coming in from around the country that the leader of the cash-strapped Church of England, Archbishop Justin Welby, has been Black Friday mall brawling for cheap deals in a desperate attempt to fix the finances of the Anglican Communion.

Following Thanksgiving, Black Friday discounts drive shoppers into a frenzy as they compete for door buster deals, and Archbishop Justsin was no exception, fighting for bargains with thousands of other hungry shoppers.

Police broke up mall brawls in numerous locations, including Alabama, Detroit and Jersey City.  Always one to mind the bottom line, Archbishop Justsin has reportedly installed 52" flatscreens in Lambeth Palace and stocked his drawers with cut-price cotton twill Chinos.

What this means for the present day Worldwide Anglican Non Communion (WANC) is presently unclear.

Quo Vadis,

LSP

Detroit 5 Felons And A Bishop

In shocking news that's surprised nobody, half of Detroit's mayoral candidates are convicted felons, and one of them is a Bishop, Justin Welby.

Welby, leader of the worldwide Anglican non-communion, is well known for favoring the erstwhile automotive capital's pawn shops and filling stations, where he attempts to boost the dwindling CofE's "bottom line" by selling church regalia and favors. 

However, unlike other candidates for the lucrative job of Mayor, Welby isn't a felon, even though he worked for ELF Oil before he became a clergyperson. Other candidates have extensive rap sheets.

According to The Detroit News, candidate Marie Pitts, 58, was involved in a shootout over car repair and convicted of "assault with intent to do great bodily harm, less than murder, in the shooting involving the shop owner as well as a firearm offense."

Welby, who does not have firearms convictions, is vociferously in favor of womyn bishops and welcomes transgenderism. 

Mantids may or may not control the Big House, Lambeth Palace.

Quo Vadis,

LSP

Lena Dunham Launches Womyn Bishop Lingerie Line

Clay Golem

Popular body positive TV star, Lena Dunham, has launched a controversial lingerie line for women bishops.

Womyn Bishop

Labelled "Lonely," Dunham describes the racy underwear as a "love letter to yourself" and refused to have images of herself promoting the lingerie in Brooklyn photoshopped, so that womyn bishops would feel empowered about their bodies.

At Last!

But will cash-strapped prelates be able to afford Dunham's upscale boudoir wear? Not to worry, Lonely retails at a price even penny pinching Church of England bishops can afford, $60.

Justsin Welby

Lena Dunham is a wealthy celebrity socialist with an estimated net worth of $12 million. When asked whether Lambeth Palace endorsed Lonely, Old Etonian, Justsin Welby, declined to comment.

Cantaur,

LSP

German Bishops Apply to Join Anglican Communion

In a surprise announcement, the Catholic German Bishop's Conference, Deutsche Bischofskonferenz, has applied to join the Anglican Communion. Citing a desire to avoid "church dogma," Bishops Conference spokesperson, Dr. Hans Langendörfer SJ, stated that the move would be a "logical next step."

Via Ignatius -- ‘It seemed to us the logical next step in our pilgrimage of faith,’ said spokesperson Dr. Hans Langendörfer SJ. ‘We asked what the doctrinal requirements for entry were, and when we discovered that there weren’t any, we decided to go ahead. German Catholics lay great emphasis on the exercise of individual conscience as opposed to slavish adherence to Church dogma.’

Lambeth Palace is said to be seriously considering the application, along with marriage equality.

Ubi Petrus,

LSP

Archbishop of Canterbury in Black Friday Mall Brawl

Shocking photos reveal the Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, scrapping with Black Friday shoppers at a Michigan mall.

The maul brawl erupted after Welby tried to wrestle a discounted flat screen T.V. out of the hands of a single Mother. "I waited all night to get my Vizio," said Toya Laquanda, "Then Welby come in and try and take it!"

Onlookers were outraged by Welby's attempted T.V. grab,  and one angry shopper faced off against the leader of the worldwide Anglican Communion, in what soon became a full-on slugfest. 

The fight ended when mall security was called, but not before a bruised and battered Welby disappeared into the Black Friday crowd of bargain hunters.

Lambeth Palace has not commented on the incident.

LSP

Pig Sticker

Pig sticking, from The Graphic, 1891

“The loss of India would be final and fatal to us. It could not fail to be part of a process that would reduce us to the scale of a minor power”

WINSTON CHURCHILL

Smart man, Winston Churchill, and in that vein, I've been given some good advice on the hogs, namely: CHANGE METHOD. Forget rifles, bait, stalking, dogs, trucks etc. No, the ghosts of Cawnpore and The Mutiny suggest a different approach, horses and spears. Here's what Harper's, 1880, had to say about it:

"For pig-sticking there are two requisites in addition to the pig - a fast, steady horse, and a good hog spear."

Well said Harper's, simple and direct, quite unlike the useless Ro-Babble that pours out of Lambeth Palace. And with that in mind, good incentive to improve riding skills and learn spearmanship.

Off to the range tomorrow with a great deal of weaponry.

LSP

PS. Many thanks to Albert Rasch for pointing out the Horse/Spear/Hog/Raj connection; see his great blog for a neat post on breeding Razorbacks.