St. Andrew's Goes Satan Then Says Sorry

Historic St. Andrew's, Holborn, in the City of London hosted a satanic fashion show by Turkish designer Dilara Findikoglu.

Satan's Bride, Note Sigil

There was a Bride of Satan

Some Dude Called Violet Chachki

A bloke in a corset dressed up as a Devil Woman

No Fun Having A Satanic Sigil On Your Nose

A miserable little Devil Girl

Count Chocula

A Vampire

Mysticke

And a Red Witch.

St. Andrew's has apologized.

So that's alright then.

Leaving aside the fashion industry, occultism, devil worship and associated crime are on the rise in the UK as church attendance declines. Make of that what you will.

God bless,

LSP

Cuddle Party -- WARNING GRAPHIC

Thanks to Brietbart's reporting on the Cuddle Industry, we know that cuddle parties are booming, comforting people everywhere who are traumatized by President Trump.

A Typical Cuddle Party

According to professional cuddler, Anastasia Allington of Austin, Texas, cuddling is all about space.

I started thinking about why it would be that people would seek out this service after this particular election and I think it has a lot to do with space. We walk through our days and we wear all these hats: mother, sister, employee, then something like this happens where, for many people, they felt bereft and the world doesn’t stop. In the cuddle space, you can be where you are with whatever emotion you’re feeling and no one has any expectations of you.

 Cuddling

I won't comment about space but, No one has any expectations of you, are you sure, Anastasia? Regardless, here's some furries, cuddling.

Cuddlespace is centered in San Francisco and Austin. The number of Episcopalian and Church of England clerics who cuddle is currently unknown.

God bless,

LSP

Is The Bishop of Chichester a Rainbow Pony?

Church of England observers are suggesting that the Bishop of Chichester, Martin Warner, is a rainbow pony.

"Today's society does not get to trump the whole canon of scripture inspired by God the Holy Spirit - damage done by the institutional Church or by misguided individual Christians is a vain, arrogant and misguided argument, typical of a rainbow pony," stated one pundit, "Same sex attraction does not move one toward perfection."

Others agree. "I always thought the Bishop of Chichester was a man but after his statement on the recent Sex Synod I'm not so sure. He sounds a lot like a rainbow pony," opined one Synod watcher.

The allegations followed Warner's comments on the CofE's York Synod, which voted to welcome people who had undergone sex change treatment and asked the House of Bishops to develop special naming rituals for transsexuals. The Synod also voted to ban "conversion therapy" for people who wanted to change their same-sex attraction. 

Warner appeared to sanction the Synod debates and their outcome, hailing them as an indication of "engagement with some of the most important, complex and sensitive human stories in today's society." He went on to state that "more time will be needed" to "understand what we have learned at Synod."

The Bishop of Chichester concluded his endorsement of the Synod's gay and trans advocacy by implying it was part of God's "movement of all things to perfection."

"Whatever narrative emerges from our interrogation of received wisdom and contemporary experience, we as Christians must be explicit about the God who creates us in love and who in mercy and tenderness sustains the movement of all things to perfection, over the rainbow."

Martin Warner has been Bishop of Chichester since 2012. 

LSP

Russians Hack Church of England?

Shocking new evidence appears to show the small but aggressively transsexual Church of England disappearing into a portal in Yakutia, Russia, leading experts to claim that the venerable denomination has been hacked by the Kremlin.

Video footage shows the diminutive Church rising into the Russian sky before vanishing into a "portal."

The Church of England disappearing into a portal

"The strange video, seeming to show the Church of England full of lights in the night sky, has emerged in media circles in Yakutia, the largest region in Russia," stated one UFOlogist, "The small object is then swallowed by a portal. I think it was hacked."

Yakutia is famous for its diamonds, which may have drawn the cash-strapped CofE to the Russian wilderness. 

Artist's impression

Reports of the numerically challenged denomination disappearing altogether have come in from several countries, including Canada, New Zealand and America. 

A typical Russian hacker

However, when questioned about Russian hacking, Lambeth Palace declined to comment.

Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby

Archbishop Justin Welby was last seen pawning episcopal regalia on Detroit's notorious 8 Mile Road.

Space is Deep,

LSP

Archbishop of Canterbury Panhandling in Detroit!

Archbishop Justin Welby, leader of the worldwide Anglican Communion, may be a bishop but evidence shows that he's also an aggressive panhandler on Detroit's notorious 8 Mile Road.

Recent photographs reveal the toffee-nosed Old Etonian grifting for spare change outside of pawn shops in America's former Motor City and shamelessly soliciting motorists for money at traffic stops.

The Archbishop's begging has caused Detroit area legislature to pass a tough new law, the Aggressive Solicitation Prohibition Act.

“If you’re getting in and out of your car, and they come right up to you — I’ve talked to people who find that intimidating,” said sponsoring Representative Mike McCready, R-Bloomfield Hills, “And I think that’s where it crosses the line from a personal request to an intimidating request.”

Welby, who once worked for Elf Oil, became a Vicar in the Church of England and quickly rose to the coveted rank of Bishop before getting promoted to Archbishop of Canterbury, the CofE's sought-after top job. But his victory was short lived.

Thanks to dwindling congregations and poor bottom line performance, the Church of England's chief executive is on the streets of Detroit, pawning episcopal regalia and begging for money.

Whether Welby's desperate bid for money will reverse the fortunes of the declining Church of England remains to be seen.

Lambeth Palace has not returned calls.

God bless,

LSP

Libs Drive Bishop North From Sheffield

It was like a miracle, an act of divine intervention in the affairs of men. Yes, a man who was opposed to the ordination of women was nominated to become a Diocesan Bishop in the Church of England.

Seriously, a traditional Anglo-Catholic, Philip North, was approved and ready to go as the next Bishop of Sheffield, even though he's against the ordination of women. Remarkable, and a true test of the CofE's commitment to tolerance and inclusion. 

The same tolerance, let the reader understand, which undergirded the small denomination's 2014 decision to allow women to become bishops. This, it was promised, would never prevent a traditionalist from getting one of the church's top jobs. No, from henceforth the Elysian pastures of England's State Church would be home to two integrities, one for and one against womyn priests.

Such a beautiful, irenic vision! You can almost see the unicorns frolic and gambol amidst the rainbows of the declining denomination's polity. And, speaking of rainbows, it was a crock all along.

Advocates of womyn priests were so enraged by North's nomination and caused such an uproar that North felt obliged to withdraw from the position. "It is clear," he stated, "that the level of feeling is such that my arrival would be counter-productive in terms of the mission of the Church in South Yorkshire and that my leadership would not be acceptable to many."

So, while the Church of England remains a place of "mutual flourishing" and respect for all, on paper, in reality it's a rather different thing. A place of flourishing for anyone, as long as they're on board with the great Gospel Mandate that never was, to ordain womyn. 

Good luck, CofE trads. And sorry, Philip, you deserved better.

Your Old Friend,

LSP

Tax The Robots

Bill Gates, the richest man that has ever been and the co-founder of Microsoft, has hit on a novel way to reverse the declining fortunes of the once great Church of England. Tax the robots.

The Church of England is currently plagued by automatons who robotically repeat the slogans of popular culture, leading to shrinking membership and deficit budgets.

The Mind of Synod

"The robots are killing us," stated one General Synod insider, "They won't shut up until the entire Church is gay married, or trans, or both. So normal people don't come anymore and giving is right down. With the Gates plan maybe we can turn the robots into profit centers."

The First Law of Robotics

Robots in the Church of England's General Synod recently decided that marriage wasn't confined to men and women. However, the shrinking denomination stopped short of affirming artificial intelligence marriage equality (AIME).

DAARPA

Rumors that the Archbishop of Canterbury, Justsin Welby, is a DAARPA manufactured AI are currently unconfirmed.

God bless,

LSP

It's the Dyslexic Deacon! Sinodd Rocks Wobbly

Yes, he's back and reporting on the venerable but shrinking Church of England and its recent Gendral Sinodd. Over to you, Deacon:

The Chruch of Ingland's Genderal Sinodd has desided not to take nowt of a long-aweighted £360,000 Bishops' Rapport on Homosectuality, Mantrimony, and Status Quo (with reverence to 'Down the dustpipe' 1970, Whatever you want 1979, and Burning bridges 1988).

Sinodd Delgeates

APB Justsin Wobbly, Promate of Ingland's Naglican Chruch, said 'All plobrems are made in the image of God'. He will now aks the Chruch Conmissiomers for £500,000 for a much stronger dysagreement.

The Church of England's Genderal  Sinodd is famous for being unable to affirm that marriage is something that takes place between a man and a woman.

Rumours that Justsin Wobbly's coat of arms now include a rainbow unicorn are presently unconfirmed.

LSP

Who is Welby, Cheap Two-Bit Grifter or Solo Crime Fighter?

It's a far cry from the silk robes of Westminster Abbey and the gilded Fish Miter of Canterbury Cathedral but photographic evidence reveals Archbishop Justin Welby has left his posh Lambeth Palace digs for the mean streets of Detroit.

Initial reports suggested that the leader of the struggling CofE was panhandling for spare change and hustling pawnshops in America's onetime automotive capital, in a desperate bid to meet his shrinking denomination's budgetary shortfall.

However, recent photos show a different Welby, a solo crime fighter gunning a motorcycle through the abandoned Studebaker plant and posing alongside a homemade vigilante network poster.

Detroit Police Chief, James Craig, appears to welcome the Archbishop's new initiative.

"Criminals are getting the message that good Detroiters are armed and will use that weapon. If Justin Welby wants to be part of taking back our streets, that's fine. Detroit's a big city,” said Chief Craig to local press.

Others aren't convinced. "Welby can set up as a Motor City crime fighter but no one's fooled, it's just a cheap stunt," said one resident, "I saw him grifting outside Cobo Hall on Monday, he's always after spare change."

Archbishop Justin Welby, cheap two-bit grifter or Motor City solo crime fighter?

You, the reader, be the judge.

LSP

They're Not Saying It's Aliens

But they're not saying it isn't, either, which is why ET boffins at SETI (Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence) are tuning their telescopes onto a mysterious signal coming from a star in the Hercules constellation, HD 164595.

A tentative translation of the signal reads:

"I don't have a good answer to it. If we were the only Church here and [there were] no other Churches, and if division didn't matter it would be much easier to answer. We were traditionalist, then we were vicious. Now we just look odd."

The stargazing scientists who discovered the strange signal, led by Nikolai Bursov of the Russian Academy of Sciences’ Special Astrophysical Observatory, think that HD 164595 is as a good candidate for SETI investigation as any. “Permanent monitoring of this target is needed,” they say.

Others discount the signal as "meaningless gibberish."

"It's just stray signals being microlensed by the star's gravitational pull," said one SETI source, "They don't mean anything, it's meaningless gibberish."

Justin Welby, who is known on social media as the Deputy Anti-Christ, was unavailable for comment.

To the Stars,

LSP

Church of England Godparents Liturgy. Happy May Day.

The venerable Cofe has come out with a new worship ritual for Godparents. Here's an excerpt from part of it, "Making Connections," which is a kind of confession. Pay attention to the "manual acts":

Sometimes we forget God who is with us every step of the way on our journey in life. Let’s say sorry to God for all those times and ask him to forgive us and help us. 

[Invite everyone to hold their hands open in front of them]
For all the times we have forgotten those who reach out to help us
Lord have mercy
All: Lord have mercy

[Look down at or touch feet]
For all the times we have not tried to follow Jesus
Christ have mercy
All: Christ have mercy

[Place hands over ears]
For all the times we have not listened to those who need us
Lord have mercy
All: Lord have mercy

I like "Look down at or touch feet," but that's just me. And that's not all, there's a Talk.

Talk about how hard is to learn or experience something new without any help. Having someone with you who is even a little ahead makes it more interesting, makes it easier, and makes it more enjoyable. Even better sometimes is a group exploring together. In the story from Acts the people of Macedonia wanted to discover more about Jesus. In those days they couldn’t just send a text – letters took weeks to arrive. So God intervened and a message came to Paul through a dream.. Come and help us. When we start to walk the journey of faith we need help too. And that’s where godparents come in – they can help us with all kinds of different things. They made big promises when we were baptized and over many years play a special part in our lives. Get people to read a few ideas from the Memory Wall.

What is this "Memory Wall"? Here's what you'll need:

Large sheets of paper eg lining paper on a roll or a large sheet with the heading “Memory Wall”; felt pens for directly writing on paper/fabric OR post-it notes and pins Four large cards each with one of these phrases: Being There; Part of the family; Good choices; Sharing faith; Yellow and white ribbons and two ‘prayer trees’ eg places where ribbons can be tied [optional] Heart shaped chocolates or carnations or godparent/godchild badges [available from www.churchprinthub.org] to give away [optional] Before the service: Place the paper or fabric somewhere accessible. As people arrive invite them to either write directly or use the post-it notes a memory of their godparent/godchild. If you are really organized you could begin this a couple of weeks before and also get people to bring along photos to create a ‘memory wall.’

It's suggested that this liturgical expression of infantilism is accompanied by music, whether "live or recorded." See above video and remember, it's all a larf until you wake up in a Wicker Man, and it's on fire.

Some Priestess Goofing Off

And in case you think I made all this up, think again.

Happy May Day,

LSP