Is This The Face Of The Church Of England?

Startling new evidence suggests that the face of the Church of England has been found, in an underground cave in Utah.

The Face was discovered by avid cavers, Kevin Tittington and Colin Wetmore, who stumbled across a hidden cavern in Utah's famous Devil's Gorge. 

Finding a stone box wrapped in bark, the subterranean adventurers were amazed to see that it contained gold plates, covered in mysterious symbols and the outline of a bishop figure.

"It was clearly the face of the Church of England," stated Tittington, "Just look at the image. Pointed hat, mysterious symbols, we think it's a 'mission statement' and it has a staff thing. It looks a lot like a bishop figure."

However, the Face isn't the only artifact found in Devil's Gorge. The cavers also discovered two stone sarcophagi, one containing the mummified body of a woman and the other of a man. Wetmore claims this is evidence of the Church of England's "two integrities."

Artist's impression

"It was really amazing," said Wetmore, "Two desiccated mummies, of a man and a woman, buried alongside the Face of the Church of England. It is clearly evidence of two integrities."

Artist's impression

When asked if the symbols on the Church of England's metal plates were a form of "creed," Wetmore was ambiguous, "I don't know, it may be a creed but they're indecipherable, no one can work them out."

Others disagree.  According to one paranormal expert, "The whole thing's a fraud, it's just a hoax. It doesn't even look that much like a bishop. No one's actually seen the so-called 'two integrities.' They're a figment of Tittington and Wetmore's imagination."

Face or Fraud?

You decide,

LSP

Libs Drive Bishop North From Sheffield

It was like a miracle, an act of divine intervention in the affairs of men. Yes, a man who was opposed to the ordination of women was nominated to become a Diocesan Bishop in the Church of England.

Seriously, a traditional Anglo-Catholic, Philip North, was approved and ready to go as the next Bishop of Sheffield, even though he's against the ordination of women. Remarkable, and a true test of the CofE's commitment to tolerance and inclusion. 

The same tolerance, let the reader understand, which undergirded the small denomination's 2014 decision to allow women to become bishops. This, it was promised, would never prevent a traditionalist from getting one of the church's top jobs. No, from henceforth the Elysian pastures of England's State Church would be home to two integrities, one for and one against womyn priests.

Such a beautiful, irenic vision! You can almost see the unicorns frolic and gambol amidst the rainbows of the declining denomination's polity. And, speaking of rainbows, it was a crock all along.

Advocates of womyn priests were so enraged by North's nomination and caused such an uproar that North felt obliged to withdraw from the position. "It is clear," he stated, "that the level of feeling is such that my arrival would be counter-productive in terms of the mission of the Church in South Yorkshire and that my leadership would not be acceptable to many."

So, while the Church of England remains a place of "mutual flourishing" and respect for all, on paper, in reality it's a rather different thing. A place of flourishing for anyone, as long as they're on board with the great Gospel Mandate that never was, to ordain womyn. 

Good luck, CofE trads. And sorry, Philip, you deserved better.

Your Old Friend,

LSP