Archbishop of Canterbury Enforces New Beatitudes

A source deep within Lambeth Palace has revealed that the Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, is forcing his Talent Pool to recite the Beatitudes, with a twist!

Unfortunate members of the Talent Pool, a group of high-flyers in the Church of England, have been ordered by Welby to recite a new set of "Beatitudes" as an exercise in "team building":

Blessed is the Talent Pool - because theirs is the kingdom of promotion,

Blessed are the MBAs – because they will inherit the salary,

Bessed are HR - because they will cut out the dead wood in a caring, sympathetic and inclusive manner,

Blessed are the CEOs – because the first will be first every time,

Blessed are the Accountants – because they can make rich men appear poor,

Blessed are the Lawyers – because they can plea-bargain here on earth,

Blessed are those with poor memory – because Alzheimer's is a great excuse when you get caught,

Blessed are the immoral – because they will rise to the top,

Blessed are those with a private jet – because they can lecture on climate change around the world.

"We have to go around the Palace wearing chinos and loafers, chanting these so-called 'Beatitudes,'" said our source, "Justin calls it 'team building' but it's really humiliating. He sits on the edge of a desk squeezing a stress ball, watching us. It's pretty unnerving, some of the Talent Pool are seriously considering dropping out of the program altogether."

The Church of England is facing declining membership and rising costs, despite women bishops and celebrity Crowley lookalike, Giles Fraser.

LSP