Archbishop of Canterbury Enforces New Beatitudes

A source deep within Lambeth Palace has revealed that the Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, is forcing his Talent Pool to recite the Beatitudes, with a twist!

Unfortunate members of the Talent Pool, a group of high-flyers in the Church of England, have been ordered by Welby to recite a new set of "Beatitudes" as an exercise in "team building":

Blessed is the Talent Pool - because theirs is the kingdom of promotion,

Blessed are the MBAs – because they will inherit the salary,

Bessed are HR - because they will cut out the dead wood in a caring, sympathetic and inclusive manner,

Blessed are the CEOs – because the first will be first every time,

Blessed are the Accountants – because they can make rich men appear poor,

Blessed are the Lawyers – because they can plea-bargain here on earth,

Blessed are those with poor memory – because Alzheimer's is a great excuse when you get caught,

Blessed are the immoral – because they will rise to the top,

Blessed are those with a private jet – because they can lecture on climate change around the world.

"We have to go around the Palace wearing chinos and loafers, chanting these so-called 'Beatitudes,'" said our source, "Justin calls it 'team building' but it's really humiliating. He sits on the edge of a desk squeezing a stress ball, watching us. It's pretty unnerving, some of the Talent Pool are seriously considering dropping out of the program altogether."

The Church of England is facing declining membership and rising costs, despite women bishops and celebrity Crowley lookalike, Giles Fraser.

LSP

Church of England Found Wrecked in London Suburb

Police in Kingston, Southwest London, discovered the wreckage of the Church of England, in the middle of a suburban road.

A worried member of the public called the police last Friday, reporting a mysterious object on fire, next to a traffic island. When police arrived at the crash site they "couldn't believe their eyes" and wondered if they had found a UFO.

According to a police post on Facebook, “Officers from Emergency Response Team A were dispatched along with the London Fire Brigade. When they arrived on scene they couldn’t believe their eyes!”

“The officers that arrived on scene described the item as looking like a crash landed UFO! But it was just the Church of Egland [sic]."

Giles Fraser

How the Church of England ended up on fire in the middle of Malden Road, Kingston, is a mystery. Police have appealed to the public for help in solving what may be a crime.

Crowley

In the meanwhile, celebrity Aleister Crowley lookalike, Rev. Giles Fraser, has suggested that the Church of England can escape from its crash by worshiping in tents, like Moses. "Moses didn’t have to worry about the hole in the roof," stated Fraser in a recent article for the shariasymp Guardian, "He worshipped in tents not temples. And we must learn to do the same."

Good luck, CofE,

LSP