Archbishop of Canterbury Enforces New Beatitudes

A source deep within Lambeth Palace has revealed that the Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, is forcing his Talent Pool to recite the Beatitudes, with a twist!

Unfortunate members of the Talent Pool, a group of high-flyers in the Church of England, have been ordered by Welby to recite a new set of "Beatitudes" as an exercise in "team building":

Blessed is the Talent Pool - because theirs is the kingdom of promotion,

Blessed are the MBAs – because they will inherit the salary,

Bessed are HR - because they will cut out the dead wood in a caring, sympathetic and inclusive manner,

Blessed are the CEOs – because the first will be first every time,

Blessed are the Accountants – because they can make rich men appear poor,

Blessed are the Lawyers – because they can plea-bargain here on earth,

Blessed are those with poor memory – because Alzheimer's is a great excuse when you get caught,

Blessed are the immoral – because they will rise to the top,

Blessed are those with a private jet – because they can lecture on climate change around the world.

"We have to go around the Palace wearing chinos and loafers, chanting these so-called 'Beatitudes,'" said our source, "Justin calls it 'team building' but it's really humiliating. He sits on the edge of a desk squeezing a stress ball, watching us. It's pretty unnerving, some of the Talent Pool are seriously considering dropping out of the program altogether."

The Church of England is facing declining membership and rising costs, despite women bishops and celebrity Crowley lookalike, Giles Fraser.

LSP

Church of England Saved by Stray Cat

The diminutive Church of England, which has been steadily shrinking for decades, may have been saved, by a stray cat.

The tiny church was found by Masha the cat, where it had been abandoned on the snowy streets of Obninsk, in a small box.

"When I heard her meowing, I thought that perhaps she had injured herself," said local resident Irina Lavrova, "You can imagine my shock when I found her lying in a box next to the Church of England."

Others aren't so sure, believing that the abandoned church may have been US Foreign Policy, or even a baby.

Church of England, Foreign Policy or baby, well done Masha!

LSP

Liturgical Dance Will Build Your Church

It's not easy. You want to build your congregation and you know that Liturgical Dance is the way forward. But how do you get there? Simple, sign up for a workshop at Abbey of the Arts. This is what you get, for a mere $375:

"Together we will explore how the healing power of such tools as guided imagery, body awareness, dream work, ritual, poetry, journal writing, visual art, movement, song, and storytelling enrich our own spiritual lives and our work in spiritual direction by giving us access to another language with which to encounter the divine presence within. Participants will develop comfort and skills in using these tools."

Some people think that there's a lot of "dream work" and "story telling" in the church as it is, to say nothing of anything else.

Fascists.

LSP

Dog #2

This dog hates celebrity socialist millionaires and their progleft, Illuminati friends. He hates wimmin bishops, too.

Obviously,

LSP

Church of England Infographic

Presented without comment.

LSP

Gaudete Sunday

Today is Gaudete Sunday and the Church, in her wisdom, tells us to rejoice and lift up our hearts as we prepare to celebrate the advent of our Lord at Christmas. 

Part of that sursum corda means posting some random pictures of guns. I don't know why, it just makes me happy.

Apparently that's an easy thing to achieve; put some rifles on a table, ready to go, and it's all about, well, gaudium et spes. And I'm not talking about the document, either. 

Harvard

And by the way, MBAs are Satan's degrees, especially when they're backstopped by his infernal engine, Harvard. Reflect on that as you attempt to fast-track your way to preferment in the church's talent pool of potential "high achievers."

Cheers,

LSP