Cooking With LSP - Poppers

 

Oh yeah, cooking with LSP, that old shibboleth. Good call, readers, but hold on. There you are, and it's a Sunday afternoon in the Texas Free State, Masses said, Sacrament confected. So what to do? Have a glass of nicely chilled Vieille Ferme, and ponder the issue. An obvious answer springs to mind, after all, it's dove season, make poppers.

It's easy enough, shoot some birds, soak the breasts in brine and while they're doing their thing slice some jalapeno's in half, scoop out the seeds and fill those bad boys with cream cheese. I use Philadelphia Cream Cheese in its famously silvery foil packet, but that's just me, feel free to use a lesser brand. No rule.

Then put the dove breasts on a cutting board, slice off the meat and place each breast in the middle of each cream cheese filled pepper. It's not hard, far from it, but word to the wise, do not rub or wipe your eyes during this evolution. Seriously, bad error.

Next up? Wrap the pepper, cream cheese, dove combos up in bacon, drive a toothpick through the midst of each one to secure the life-giving bacon or, if you can't get toothpicks because supply chain collapse and inflation, simply wrap bacon around the morsels and let it be. Likewise, if you run out of bacon because you can't afford one slice per popper because Bidenomics, cut your bacon strips in half and get the job done that way. Trust me, it still works.

Prep done, behold the beauty of the thing and fire the popper tray into the oven at 400*. Take it out after the bacon's ready, you can smell the deliciousness of it when it is, and fall upon your scoff.

Like a Warrior,

LSP

Cooking With LSP

 

Wow, you're gonna do that, cook with LSP? Good luck, brother. So they say, but it's not hard. Get out in the field, shoot some dove, clean the birds and let the diminutive breasts rest in brine overnight. Easy.

Next step? Buy some jalapeno peppers, they're cheap, slice 'em in half and scoop out the seeds with a spoon or something, just don't wipe your eyes, obviously. Then fill the hollow pepper halves with cream cheese. Behold the evolution, well done, you've got this far.

The next bit's intuitive. Fillet the meat off the doves and place it on the cream cheese filled peppers, then wrap those bad boys in bacon. Yes, bacon. Secure the little rascals with toothpicks then put them in the oven at around 400, maybe 425's better, your call, there's no "rule."

Then lo and behold, 20 minutes later, delicious poppers. Stand back in amazement and fall upon your scoff.

Like a Warrior,

LSP

DEPLOY SMOKE

 

Everything was going well. Chicken? Marinading in the fridge. Weber? All fired up, deploying smoke and ready to go. Then, just as we were about to launch over the start line LL called from the mountain fastness of the Wolf's Lair in Arizona's infamous highlands.

"Hey LSP, thanks a lot for inviting me. I like kebabs too."

"Look, you know it's an open invite."

"Do you have swords?"

"Of course."

"I thought you would."

"And don't get me wrong, I scorn the Sultan. That's why I made Tzatziki. You know, Greek. We need the Bosphorus back, and Hagia Sophia with it."

"Yeah, I know. And you need to expand from Fleet Padre to that guy who gives the thumbs up or down in the arena."

"Hippodrome?"

"Exactly."

 

 

Remove Kebab aside, we waxed large on Mozambique's pirate problem and the upcoming buccaneer LCS fleet. OK, the ships are pathetically underarmored and undergunned, only having one lightweight canon ("pop gun" - LL). We'll have to sort that out, perhaps with batteries of surplus Bofors. Nice touch, and they can go on the landing deck. Bad luck, Jihad. 

But what had happened to the deliciously grilling chunks of chicken in the meanwhile? Well, they were doing their thing but the fire had burned down low, throwing off timing. The Compound's version of naan got in the way too, roll out that dough, LSP. Bread's a production.

All this and more stood in the way of what was supposed to be a Cooking With LSP super kebab post. The chicken was OK but not the kind of perfection we expect. Naan? Alright, but not awesome. And you say Naan, but it was more like a regular flatbread than anything else. No rule? On the contrary, it should be fluffy, delicious and melt in your mouth. Tzatziki was right on the money though. Nice.

So stay tuned for a kebab special, in which we grill the Turk, free Levantine Christendom and take back Justinian's remarkable cathedral. And end up with good scoff to boot. As it is, the leftover chicken's simmering in a pot and curry beckons.

Your Culinary friend,

LSP

Cooking With LSP - Chicken Pot Pie

What? Cooking with LSP, that's both dangerous and stupid. Not so fast punters, here's how it's done.

First up, get some chicken thighs (4) for around 5 bucks at Walmart, or wherever. Boil them with salt and pepper, maybe a bay leaf, in a pot for around 30 minutes. Then remove the boiled thighs to your fridge in a bowl to cool down. Keep the water they were boiled in, this is your stock, chicken stock.

In the meanwhile, melt 1/4 cup of unsalted butter in yet another pot. Add 2 sliced carrots, a small chopped onion, a sliced stick of celery, and maybe some garlic, your call. Simmer these in the butter for 5 minutes or so. Wow, look at that, vegetables. So very healthy.

Next step, add 1/3 cup of flour to the simmering veg. Stir it about, then pour 2 cups of your homemade chicken stock into the mix, followed by a cup or so of frozen peas. Stir that too and watch in wonder as it reaches creamy consistency. If it doesn't, add more flour, if it's too thick add more stock. While you're at it, apply salt, pepper and a dash or two of Worcestershire Sauce.

Let it all combine and simmer for around 20 minutes, stirring. In the meanwhile, you've removed all the chicken from the bone, fed the dog with chicken skins, chopped up some mushrooms, washed up and... added chicken and mushroom to the pot.

Stir it up. Let it simmer. No need to rush and freak out, have a glass of wine and admire your pistol, or kukri. Bull up a shoe, a gas mask, clean a gas regulator, shine a cap badge or whatever comes to hand. Reverie over, unfold some unfrozen puff pastry, roll it out on a floured surface and stand by, you're almost there.

Pour the pie mix into whatever counts as your pie dish. Cover the mix with a rolled out sheet of pastry, maybe add some leftover pastry bits to the thing by way of fun. No matter, your call, then put it in a 375* preheated oven for around 30 minutes.

At the end of which, take the pie out of the oven and fall upon your scoff.

Like a warrior,

LSP

Cooking With LSP - Bread Of Life

Inspired by the Archbishop of Canterbury, I went to the kitchen in search of action. Yes, bread action. Here's the thing. From January to early March you were laying in supplies of flour and yeast. 

Why? Because you knew a Red Plague panicked populace would empty the shelves come the COVID shoe drop. So what to do with all those baking supplies? Make bread, obviously, and here's an easy recipe, which works. Trust me on this.

Dough after appx 18 hours. Add more flour if too runny

Here's how it's done. First step. Put three cups of flour in a mixing bowl, add 1/4 tsp yeast and 1 tsp salt. You can add more salt if you want to make like some kind of NYT know-it-all. There's no rule, it's up to you, but I recommend 1 tsp.

Whatever, behold the result and stir it around. Don't be shy, stir it up, then add 1 cup of tepid water to the mix.  Stir that up too, it's not hard. Add more water, maybe a 1/3 of a cup until you've got a shaggy dough. 

Tip it outta the bowl and onto a floured surface

It shouldn't be too wet or too dry, just a shaggy dough, and you'll know it when you meet it. Cover that fella with clingfilm, the bowl, not the dough, and let it rest overnight, 18 hours+.

Next day the dough should look bubbly, this is good. Remove it to a floured surface and form to a ball. Add more flour or water if the floury beast's too dry or too wet. That done, put it back in the mixing bowl, cover with clingfilm and let it rest for another hour, another rise. 

Heavy Metal

In the meanwhile, preheat your oven to 450*. 30 minutes later, put some unoiled heavy metal into the oven to heat up. I use a Lodge, you might prefer Crueset. That's up to you. Another 30 minutes later, uncover the mixing bowl, form the dough into a ball again on the jolly old floured surface, take the heavy metal from the oven, uncover it and...

Put the dough ball in the Dutch, crease side up. Don't burn your hands on the incandescent heavy metal, use an oven mitt, for goodness sake. Then cover and bake for 30 minutes at 450*. Uncover for another 10 minutes or until the bread's as crusty as you like, totally your call, and remove from the oven.

Right Tasty

Gasp in wonder. You've made bread which smells good, looks good and is good, it wasn't even hard to do. Reflection over, cover that bad boy up with an Archiepiscopal tea towel and let rest for a few minutes. Then cut into it and fall upon your scoff like...

A Warrior. 

LSP

Navajo Bread -- Cooking With LSP

What, cooking with LSP? That's both dangerous and stupid. Not so fast, punters, here's how it's done. First up, gaze wonderingly at all your wisely stockpiled flour and ask, what're you gonna do with it, eh? Make bread, obviously, Navajo Bread. It's easy and goes like this.

Put 2 cups of regular stockpiled flour in a mixing bowl. Add 1 stockpiled teaspoon salt, then follow that bad boy up with a tablespoon of baking soda. Throw in two teaspoons of hoarded vegetable oil and a teaspoon of salt. Or not, anarchist, your call.

Whisk it about but don't run off and fall asleep under the nearest tree like some kind of Mexican, your job's not done. No, add lukewarm water to the mix until it becomes a tacky, shaggy, workable dough. Around one cup perhaps.

Then mix that beast up, put it on a floured surface and knead the thing until it's elastic, around three or four minutes. Well done, congratulate yourself on getting this far and place the dough in an "oiled container," the original mixing bowl will do. Cover it up and let rest for an hour.

Next step? Cut the dough into six pieces. Roll each piece flat on a floured surface and fry the offerings in a hot, oiled, iron skillet. Don't be an idiot and burn the delicious bread, take each piece off the heat as brown spots occur and it's obviously done. 

You'll find, if all goes well with the culinary odyssey, that you end up with something like a cross between a tortilla and a naan. Awesome on both counts. And then, bread on hand...

Fall on your scoff like a warrior,

LSP

Cooking With LSP - Striper

Yeah, 'cooking with LSP.' Some kind of joke? On the contrary, here's how it's done. Today's the Feast of St. John Chrysostom but it's also a Friday, which means you can't eat meat. Problem. Solution? Cook up some fish, obviously. Watch my tracer.

Boat

First step, catch the fish. Get in a boat and surge out into the lake, then put your rod over the side and haul in amazing Striper. Keep doing that till you've caught your limit and head back to shore, job well done. Watch in amazement as the guide cleans the fish in a fraction of the time it'd take you to do. 

News

Second step, cook the fish. How? Here's one method and it's as easy as the DNC blocking Tulsi Gabbard. Wash a monster Striper filet in the sink, pat it dry, salt the fish, and congratulate yourself on sticking to mission while you have a glass of the right stuff. 

Shoot the Fish?

Maybe that's water, maybe it's not, your call. Whatever, don't waste time, cut the filet in half with a sharp knife, sharp as a clean Brexit from the EU.

Pan Sear

Well done, you've gone far, but there's still a way to go. Put some olive oil and butter in a frying pan and heat it up, medium high. As the oil begins to smoke like an Inspector General's report ready to go critical, add the fish to the pan. Listen in wonder as it sizzles.

Not Perfect But Tasty As You Like

Fry for about four minutes a side depending on the thickness of the filet, your goal is a crispy, golden brown exterior and firm, succulent, flaky interior. That achieved or approximated to, crack some pepper over the fish and serve with lemon and some kind of vegetable. Don't say Beto.

Third step. Fall on your scoff like a warrior.

Fish on,

LSP

Cooking With LSP

Ah well, it's down to this, yet another implausible "cooking" episode with LSP. So what's the score, you gonna shoot the sauce with the Glock? 

Not so fast, epicures, the pistol's optional. You can make macaroni cheese with a CZ, a Sig, a mighty wheel gun or nothing at all. Go ahead, be defenseless in the face of the culinary threat, your call, there's no rule.

Now that we've cleared the #2A air let's get down to business. Melt 4 tbls of butter in some kind of pot, use Le Crueset if you want to ape the ways of our transnational, Illuminati elite overlords. Next up, whisk 4 tbls of flour into the melted butter. Easy as bleachbitting your hard drives with FBI help. Whisk it about on medium heat for a minute or two then add 3 cups of whole milk.

Use Shells

Stir it around for a while 'til it starts to thicken; don't worry, it will. Then grate a rectangle of cheese into the sauce and stir that, more milk if needed. Sauce in hand, add salt and pepper, some dry English mustard, Worcestershire sauce and Cayenne pepper. Who likes a bland dish, right?

In the meanwhile you've boiled up some water and pasta shells are merrily cooking away. By the way, use shells, readers,  they're better than the globalist, macaroni alternative. Add the happy natpop shells to the sauce, stir, grate some cheese, crack some pepper over the thing and...

A Typical Glass of Wine

Sling it all in the oven at 375/400 before kicking back for a glass or two of the right stuff. Hey, you've earned a break so take it. R&R over, pull the dish out of the oven and let it rest, it should be sizzling and golden brown to boot.

One I Took Earlier, Note Heavy Metal

And there it is, a delicious unity of cheese and pasta. Well done, mission accomplished. With that in mind, behold the dish and fall upon your scoff like...

Grounded

A warrior. 

#KAG

LSP

Cooking With LSP -- Cyber Monday Pie

"Oh, cooking with LSP, where's that on the spectrum?" Good question. First things first, get a gun and put it on the table, I use a Glock 21 but that's just me. You might prefer a revolver, a Sig, a CZ or a Beretta. Up to you.

Next, boil up leftover beef bones or beef ends, the fatty, gristly stuff you don't want to eat. Add salt and pepper, you're making stock. Let it boil then reduce to a simmer for around an hour or so until the fat's rendering. You'll want around 2 cups worth.

While the stock's doing its thing, chop up an onion, a leek, a carrot or two and peel 4 or 5 cloves of garlic. Don't crush or mince the garlic, this isn't some kind of Macronite, faux Napoleon, globalist assault on traditional value. 

No, throw the whole cloves into the tin with the rest of the veg. Add olive oil and a few tablespoons of butter. Pour a cup+ of beef stock over the veg, then put that bad boy in the oven at 400* to roast. Why?

Because it'll taste good, trust me. Let the veg roast for around an hour, 'til it's starting to char, In the meanwhile, cube up some leftover roast beef, as much as you like, set it aside. 

Boil up a couple of carrots and set them aside, slice some mushrooms in half or leave 'em whole if they're small. Set them aside too. Well done, you're nearly there, so have a glass of wine or seltzer water, your choice. I chose wine.

Thirst assuaged, make a poor man's roux. I use 4 tbls of butter, flour, salt and pepper and a cup of milk+. Cook it up and behold the roux magically thicken, then pour in 1 1/2 cups of stock. Add more stock if needed, up to you.

Stir it 'round like a champion. Add the roast veg, beef, and mushrooms, stir and let simmer for a good 30 minutes. You'll see the roux change color from cream to brown. Such is cooking.

While the beast's simmering away and consolidating like a battle group about to go over the start line, roll out some pasty. I cheat and use pre-made and here's the orthodoxy; don't use puff pastry in a beef pie, use the other sort. But I like the rainbow riding puff, it tastes better. Whatever, your call.

Pastry rolled, pour the simmering awesomeness of beef and veg into a deep pie dish. Stand back and consider the completion of this phase of the advance. Perhaps play some baroque fanfares, up to you. Chivalric reverie over, don't say Agincourt, place the rolled out dough over the mix.

Decorate the in potentia pie crust with leftover dough, then glaze with egg white and put the whole thing in the oven at 375* for as long as it takes, around an hour.

Take it out, let it rest, and eat your scoff like...

A King,

LSP

Cooking With LSP, Venison Backstrap

Excuse me? You snort indignantly. You can't cook with LSP. Not so fast, tiger. You can and here's how. First step, go out and shoot a deer or get someone to do it for you. 

Next step, get a slab of the deer's backstrap, maybe some tenderloin too, and behold its glory; season with salt and pepper, then marinade in a mixture of soy sauce and brown sugar, about a 1/4 cup of the one and a couple of tablespoons of the other.

Put it in the fridge. Well done, you've successfully completed the first evolution of this training program and you've earned a break. Take it, go fishing, sharpen your knives, clean guns, whatever, it's up to you.

As the sun begins to set, take the venison out of the fridge, cut it into thick slices (1.5/2" or so), wrap in bacon, skewer with a toothpick and marvel at the genius of it all. 

When you've recovered from that, put those bacon wrapped chunks of awesome on a rack in a tin in the center of a 350* preheated oven.

Relax, you're nearly there. Have a glass of wine if you like, have several; there's no rush because the meat has to cook for around 20 minutes, until the bacon's on the go. But be careful, don't overcook, you're after medium rare or at least I am. So know the heat of your oven.

Oven done, finish the beasts off on a heavy metal hot skillet. Please don't, in your enthusiasm, grasp the handle of the red hot skillet. Trust me, it hurts. 

Then serve with vegetables if you want and eat your scoff...

Like a Warrior,

LSP