Kebobs - Cooking With LSP

 

Cooking with LSP? you say in that credulity mixed with scorn voice. But not so fast, punters, it can be done. First up, buy some 80/20 ground beef, if you can  afford such a thing. I know, not easy. Then, if you're rich, put it in the fridge and think yourself lucky that you were actually able to afford meat. 

Far out. What to do with it? Here's an upper middle class option: Turn the ground beef, Brits say 'mince,' into kebobs. Really? Yep, no kidding.

First up, unleash the meat into some kind of bowl. Add 1 tsp paprika, coriander, cayenne, cumin, tumeric. Add chopped cilantro, garlic, grated onion and mix it all up. Stick that sucka in the fridge. An hour or whatever later, pull the meat out of the fridge.

LSP, did you miss an opportunity?

Using a big bowl, perhaps Pyrex, no 'rule,' knead and form the meat into skewer-shaped... lengths. Then skewer them with a wooden or metal skewer. I chose wood, but that's just me. Next up? Put 'em back in the fridge for an hour or so while you fire up the grill.

Grill hot, it should be sizzling, fire those kebobs onto the griddle. 1 minute open flame, 3 minutes covered. Flip, repeat. And then? Serve with Tzatziki, pita bread and fall upon your scoff.

Like a Warrior,

LSP

Smoke & Mirrors & Burgers

Here at Dallas HQ we have smoke.

And mirrors.

And hamburgers. It's not hard, make up some 80/20 patties, apply salt and pepper, and place on a hot, oiled grill. The meat should sizzle when it hits that grill. Yes, there is a rule.

Perhaps you drink a cold one as you watch heat work its magic on these burgers in potentia, well done, you've deserved it. But only gaze at the open grill for a minute as the meat sears, then cover and cook for two minutes. 

random grill shot

Inhale the magic aroma of burgers doing their thing on a charcoal grill. And then, two minutes over, remove the lid of the grill, admire your beautiful medium rare burgers, place 'em on a tray to rest, covered, and toast some buns.

That done, put it all together and fall upon your scoff, like a warrior.

Cheers,

LSP

Easter Monday Cooking With LSP

Birds sing, exotic ducks roost on top of Eduardo's roof and all's well in LSPland, in that balmy springlike way we so love. Alleluia, Christ has risen from the grave and death and Hell have no more dominion over us. 

That in mind, I fixed a G3 monocle on a boneless 6-7 rib roast lurking in the thievish corners of the fridge. Why not cook that beef up, after all, it's Easter Monday. And here's it is, brushed with olive oil and seasoned with pepper and salt, ready to go onto a vegetable trivet and into the oven.

Now, before you say how could you possibly afford that on your miserable stipend, so-called LSP? I'll tell you this little beast was bought at a 50% markdown firesale. Margin calls aside, great result, and here's the plan. 

Roast for 15 minutes at 500* then at 325*for 12 minutes per pound. Test with a meat thermometer at around 50/60 minutes, it should come in at 125-130* for medium rare awesomeness. Next up?

just a kid

Take the life giving beef out of the oven, celebrate your not inconsiderable victory with a glass of the right stuff, cover the meat in foil and let it rest for around 20 or 30 minutes, it'll continue to cook to tender, juicy perfection. 

As it does, fire some potatoes in the oven at 425* along with Yorkshire pudding batter in a preheated tin or skillet(s), boil up carrots or whatever, there's no "rule," and after 20 minutes or so remove from oven. In the meanwhile, and this is key, make gravy from the beef's drippings and remains of the veg trivet (which should include garlic cloves, onion and carrot, which you crush and strain, obvs).

hey now

Strife o'er, cut the beef. Serve the veg alongside. Place several Yorkshires on the plate. Stand askance at the sheer beauty of the thing and add gravy. Then fall upon your scoff like a warrior. Well, that's the projection and let's see how it goes, so far we're at the seasoned beef resting to room temp stage, with YP batter in the fridge, let that rest, important.

Stay Tuned,

LSP

Cooking With LSP - Venison Sausage Pasta

 

So how exactly do you cook with LSP? You mutter skeptically. But not so fast, here's how. Go out and shoot a deer or get someone else to do it for you. Either way is good, your call. Then get some of that venison processed into sausage, so far so good. Next step?

Slice the sausage up into tasty morsels. It's not hard and I use a vintage Sabatier which has a miraculously keen edge. You might choose a different knife, and that's up to you, no "rule." Mission accomplished, dice up onion and garlic and chop up tomatoes. Behold a task well done.

Then fry up the onion in olive oil until translucent and add garlic. Fry for a minute or so 'til fragrant and add venison, brown it as you reflect on bond yields, interest rates and Credit Suisse shareholder wipeout, then add a tablespoon or so of tomato paste. Stir that beast around for a minute or two. Result. Add chopped tomatoes to the mix.

Well done, you've got this far, no small feat. So use your Old Wooden Spoon to stir the pot, adding 2 bay leaves, salt, pepper and basil to taste. Have a glass to celebrate this not inconsiderable victory and add a glass of red wine to the mix, just for kicks. 

Then let it simmer and listen to uplifting music; don't be in a rush, for goodness sake, let tomato, onion, and venison combine together into one compelling whole, you'll smell it when it's done. Word to the wise, let the oil seperate but in the meanwhile, boil up pasta to al dente perfection. Then fall upon your scoff.

Like a Warrior,

LSP

Cooking With LSP - Bread

 

I know, man shall not live on bread alone. That in mind, we notoriously have bodies which need to be fed and the aerogel rubbish which passes for bread in our supermarkets, if you can even find it, doesn't cut the ticket. Problem? Solution. Make it yourself. Here's how. 

Get a mixing bowl and add 3 1/4 cups all purpose flour, 2 teaspoons salt, 1/2 teaspoon active dry yeast, and 1 1/2 cups of warm water. Mix that beast around, stir it up, then cover the thing and rest it, covered, somewhere out of reach of animals. And here's the thing.

Let the dough rest and rise overnight++, ignore it, let it do its thing as though it were an errant teen. Then, somewhere before Vespers on Holy Saturday, remove the dough onto a floured surface and form it into a ball. Let it rest some more in a bowl on parchment paper as heavy metal heats up in the oven at 450*.

After the metal's hot, about 30 minutes, pull it out and transfer the dough to the pot, parchment paper and all, then cover the thing, put it back in the oven and kick back for 30 minutes. Maybe clean a gun or sharpen a kukri, not that any of you have such things. They were lost at sea. Whatever, your call, no rule.

After 30, uncover the metal and finish off the loaf for around 10 minutes. Result? Behold your delicious, life giving bread and fall upon that scoff, like a warrior.

Song of a Baker,

LSP

Just Scanning The Horizon

 

So here we are, on a cheery Tuesday evening in CONUS or more precisely, North Central Texas (NCT). And what's going on? Vultures were gathering on lamp posts this morning as I patrolled to the Pick 'n Steal. Ominous, apocalyptic perhaps.

Were they a presage of things to come, the death of the PetroDollar in the face of a gold backed Ruble/Yuan? Maybe and let's face it, how can a currency which is an IOU at interest to a privately owned bank, the Fed, be worth anything other than debt? And we all know the problem with that, at some point someone wants to be paid back.

payback?

In other news, the Ukraine action is clearly a genocide, yes, of late Soviet era tech, and true to form our media and ruling elite are more or less baying for World War III. We have to mobilize for Ukraine if we don't want our democratic freedom to be destroyed by Russia, which has a GDP rather less than California.

Such an existential threat or would that be PR firm agitprop reinforced by every mainstream media outlet in the Western world. Remember Trump? Of course you do, what a miserable, traitorous Russian spy. As you savor his despotic, orange, NYC perfidy ask which country allows Christian prayer in state run schools. Which country isn't able to define the difference between men and women? Hint, not Chechenya.

But enough of that, we'll see how it all plays out. In the meanwhile, curry's on the go, vegetarian because Lent, and mango chutney. Here's the thing. A curry without mango chutney is a poor beast, but who wants to drive all the way to Waco to get it? No one. Solution? Make it yourself.

Stay tuned for another episode of Cooking With LSP.

Your Buddy,

LSP

Cooking With LSP - Pie

 

"Cooking with LSP!" you exclaim ferociously from your bay window at Boodles, "That old trick?!?" But not so fast, it can be done, here's how.

Look defiantly at Thanksgiving leftovers and instead of problem see solution. In this case a pie, a turkey and mushroom pie and because you want to save on hassle, made in one 10" skillet. That's right, a one skillet pie.

First up, melt some butter and olive oil in heavy metal, put on Tree Top Flyer Best Version Ever, add half a chopped onion, a couple of cloves of chopped garlic, 2 cups of chopped mushrooms, salt and pepper to taste, a tsp of thyme and fry till the onions are translucent, around 5 minutes. Yes indeed, nice and easy.

Behold the vegetables in their fried glory and sort out the jukebox, perhaps Golden Brown is appropriate, then continue. Add 3 tbs of flour to the mix, coat the veg, it'll stiffen, then slowly add 2 cups of homemade chicken broth, stirring. It's not hard, just pour it in and watch the gravy thicken. Result.

Then add up to a cup of milk and stir it into the mix until you get the consistency you want, not too watery, not too thick. Apply chopped up turkey. We got ours from a rancher whose wife had gone to Vegas to run PRA barrel competitions, "Here boys, you take this," and so we did.

Rodeo aside, simmer or rest your pie mix for a while, it takes time for those flavors to become as one delicious one. And then? Cover the beast with pastry and put it in a 400* preheated oven until the crust is golden, around 20 minutes. But no rule, your call.

Go on, shoot the dam pie

Well done, bask in the glory of it all and fall upon your scoff.

Like a Warrior,

LSP

PS. Careful on the salt... word to the wise.

Cooking With LSP

Typical Cooking Kukri

Ah yes, cooking with LSP, that tired old trope. Tired! No, this is a recipe that's ever old and ever new, equally at home in the wintry wastes of Northern England and the oven intense heat of a Texan summer. (Stop it, I'm warning you. Ed.). OK, here it is, Cottage Pie, and it starts at the grill.

A Grill

You know how it goes. Grill up some 80/20 burgers, yes they're delicious, eat half, freeze the rest, repeat. A week or so later open the freezer and behold the frozen medium rare, seared patties. Defrost the icy offerings and chop up an onion, celery, and a carrot. Saute the veg for a few minutes until it smells and looks right. You'll know, then add a clove or more of minced garlic. I prefer more, you may not, no rule.

Add  Some Flour, It's Not Hard

Next add the meat, stir it 'round, break it up, and simmer on medium high 'til it looks right, as in browned. Perhaps you think that's a sly, racist, reference to POCs. It's not, we're just talking cooking. Meat and veg together as one, add 1/4 cup of flour. 

Chuck it in, don't be afraid, then mix in 4 tbs of tomato paste, 1/2 cup of cheap as you like red wine, 2 cups of beef broth, 1 tsp Thyme, 2 dried Bay Leaves, 2 tbs Worcestershire Sauce, salt, pepper and chili powder to taste. Alright, the chili's not trad, but I like it, and I'm willing to bet that dry English mustard wouldn't go amiss either. Anyway...

Simmer Down!

Simmer this beast until the sauce reaches desired consistency. I let it run on medium high, stirring occasionally, until the oil and sauce start to separate, as in Bolognese or curry. Your call, just don't leave off in a fit of weakness and find yourself with a watery sauce. That's an error.

Just Enough Potatoes

Sauce/gravy achieved, take it off the heat and let it cool down. This will, maybe, prevent the filling of the pie from seeping into its mashed potato top. Not a disaster if it does, but better if it doesn't; preserve the integrity of the pie, as we should the electoral process itself.

Most Awesome

Potatoes mashed, cover the sauce with the creamy spuds, sprinkle with Parmesan or some other cheese, grind pepper over the thing, add a tbs of butter or olive oil, and put it in the oven at 350 until golden brown. Perhaps you want to texture the mashed potato top, maybe add a slogan. Up to you, some say it makes for a better pie.

Cottage Pie

Kick back for 30 minutes, have a glass of wine, sharpen a kukri,  load magazines, clean weapons, whatever, then take the pie out of the oven, let it rest, and fall upon your scoff.

Like a Warrior,

LSP

Cooking With LSP

 

Cooking with LSP? That's not only stupid, it's dangerous, and what's that, a vegetable? Yes readers, a vegetable, asparagus, and here's how you do it. Wrap those green beasts in bacon.

It's not hard. Trim the warlike spears, toss in olive oil and black pepper and then wrap 'em up, three or four spears to a bundle. A bit like Fasces but without the axe. Then sit back and behold your handiwork, all this asparagus wrapped in bacon.

Level unlocked, put the enhanced veg in the oven at 400* for twenty minutes or so while, inspired by LL's sermon, you research Texas' illusive black cat, the Jaguarundi. 

These long tailed wild cats weigh in at around 20 pounds and are mistaken for Jaguars, which may or may not exist in the Lone Star State. They've been sighted here in Hill County, but not by me.

Better have a pistol handy in case the veg attacks!

Important research over, take the bacon wrapped green aggressors out of the oven. Serve with steak. I chose a Rib Eye, you may prefer a different cut, like a New York Strip. Hey, your call, no rule.

Then fall upon your scoff.

Like a warrior,

LSP

Grilling is Great

 

While everyone's cleaning weapons, loading mags and running blockades into California, I took time off to fire up the grill. That's right, a charcoal-fired Weber. Objective? Delicious chicken. Here's one way to do it.

Brush chicken thighs with olive oil and salt and cracked pepper. Or, if you want, some kind of dry rub. I wasn't going to go down the rub route, preferring the elegant simplicity of oil, salt and pepper, but that changed. Adventure began and on went the rub. But hey, that's just me, there's no rule.

Then, and UK readers take note, apply the thighs to direct heat for a sear, about two minutes a side, and then remove to indirect heat for around forty minutes with the lid on the grill. Again, UK, pay attention, indirect heat. This means heaping your coals to one side of the grill (direct heat) and leaving the other side empty (indirect heat). Picture it, Brits, one half of the grill is super hot, the other half isn't, more like an oven.

This established, remove the seared thighs to indirect heat, cover the grill and let the whole thing sit for around forty minutes. At the end of which, remove the thighs, transfer to a plate, rest for a five minutes and then...

Fall on your scoff like a warrior,

LSP

Cooking With LSP - Fish on Friday

Cooking with LSP? That's a great idea. Look, enough of your sarcasm, here's how it's done. Get on a boat and catch some Striper, then watch in awe as your Guide fillets the fish in a fraction of the time it'd take you. Guide magic, but hey, it's his job. Next step?

Take the fillets back home and put 'em in the fridge, only to be taken out later in the day. Behold their piscine glory and as you do, pour an inch or two of oil into some heavy metal (dutch oven), put this on medium/high heat along with a candy thermometer. As the oil does its thing, wash the fish, salt and pepper it, and leave it on a cutting board while you prepare the batter. This is easy.

Put 1 cup of flour into  a mixing bowl, glass or plastic, your call. I use glass, not being Eastern European. Then add 1 teaspoon of baking powder, a pinch of salt, some cracked pepper and whisk it about. 

Job well done, pour in a bottle of beer or soda water and stir it up. The mixture should end up like thinnish pancake batter. But that's not all, put half a cup of flour in a bowl next to the batter, you'll use this to dredge the fish.

Done? Salute your endeavor with a glass of wine or something else, your call, no rule, but don't take too long, there's oil to be watched. So glance over at your heavy metal and check the oil's temperature. It should be between 365-70 degrees.

This is important. If the oil's too hot it'll ignite and destroy your kitchen like some kind of air bomb, you don't want that. If it's not, whatever's being fried will sit in the unpleasant oil and become a greasy mess. So, make sure it's hot, I recommend 370*, this will fry your fish without it becoming a grease nightmare.

This achieved, take a piece of fish,  dredge it in flour, coat it in batter and place it in the heavy metal. Watch it boil and fry as you add more fillets to the cauldron. You'll know when they're done, crispy, golden brown awesomeness. 

And just for kicks you can do the same thing for a side, I went down the onion ring route, you may choose differently, your choice.

Then fall upon your scoff, like a warrior,

LSP

Cooking With LSP Macaroni Cheese

Excuse me, what did you just say? Cooking with LSP? It sounds impossible yet there it is and here's how.

Pull out some heavy metal and melt 4 TBLs of butter in the iron, match it with the same amount of flour. Mix it up and well done, you've made a poor man's roux. Then add 2 1/2 cups of full milk, stir it in and behold the beauty of the thing, Glock optional.

Then add cheese. Grate as much as you like into the pot, your call, there's no "rule." Stir it around until you reach the desired consistency and add more cheese and milk as required. 

Also, don't forget to throw in a teaspoon of dry mustard along with salt and pepper to taste or even Worcestershire Sauce, your call. 

That done, stir away and preheat the oven to 400*. While it's firing up have a glass of wine or 10 and ponder your culinary genius.  There it is, cheese sauce, pasta and everything else, just waiting to come together in union. 

While you're at it, resist the temptation to draw parallels with the Worldwide Anglican Non Communion and throw the thing in the oven after grating some cheese on top.

Leave it in until it's getting cripsy and then take it out and eat your scoff...

Like a Warrior,

LSP

Cooking With LSP, Venison Backstrap

Excuse me? You snort indignantly. You can't cook with LSP. Not so fast, tiger. You can and here's how. First step, go out and shoot a deer or get someone to do it for you. 

Next step, get a slab of the deer's backstrap, maybe some tenderloin too, and behold its glory; season with salt and pepper, then marinade in a mixture of soy sauce and brown sugar, about a 1/4 cup of the one and a couple of tablespoons of the other.

Put it in the fridge. Well done, you've successfully completed the first evolution of this training program and you've earned a break. Take it, go fishing, sharpen your knives, clean guns, whatever, it's up to you.

As the sun begins to set, take the venison out of the fridge, cut it into thick slices (1.5/2" or so), wrap in bacon, skewer with a toothpick and marvel at the genius of it all. 

When you've recovered from that, put those bacon wrapped chunks of awesome on a rack in a tin in the center of a 350* preheated oven.

Relax, you're nearly there. Have a glass of wine if you like, have several; there's no rush because the meat has to cook for around 20 minutes, until the bacon's on the go. But be careful, don't overcook, you're after medium rare or at least I am. So know the heat of your oven.

Oven done, finish the beasts off on a heavy metal hot skillet. Please don't, in your enthusiasm, grasp the handle of the red hot skillet. Trust me, it hurts. 

Then serve with vegetables if you want and eat your scoff...

Like a Warrior,

LSP