Cooking With LSP - Venison Sausage Pasta

 

So how exactly do you cook with LSP? You mutter skeptically. But not so fast, here's how. Go out and shoot a deer or get someone else to do it for you. Either way is good, your call. Then get some of that venison processed into sausage, so far so good. Next step?

Slice the sausage up into tasty morsels. It's not hard and I use a vintage Sabatier which has a miraculously keen edge. You might choose a different knife, and that's up to you, no "rule." Mission accomplished, dice up onion and garlic and chop up tomatoes. Behold a task well done.

Then fry up the onion in olive oil until translucent and add garlic. Fry for a minute or so 'til fragrant and add venison, brown it as you reflect on bond yields, interest rates and Credit Suisse shareholder wipeout, then add a tablespoon or so of tomato paste. Stir that beast around for a minute or two. Result. Add chopped tomatoes to the mix.

Well done, you've got this far, no small feat. So use your Old Wooden Spoon to stir the pot, adding 2 bay leaves, salt, pepper and basil to taste. Have a glass to celebrate this not inconsiderable victory and add a glass of red wine to the mix, just for kicks. 

Then let it simmer and listen to uplifting music; don't be in a rush, for goodness sake, let tomato, onion, and venison combine together into one compelling whole, you'll smell it when it's done. Word to the wise, let the oil seperate but in the meanwhile, boil up pasta to al dente perfection. Then fall upon your scoff.

Like a Warrior,

LSP

Cooking With LSP - Striper

Yeah, 'cooking with LSP.' Some kind of joke? On the contrary, here's how it's done. Today's the Feast of St. John Chrysostom but it's also a Friday, which means you can't eat meat. Problem. Solution? Cook up some fish, obviously. Watch my tracer.

Boat

First step, catch the fish. Get in a boat and surge out into the lake, then put your rod over the side and haul in amazing Striper. Keep doing that till you've caught your limit and head back to shore, job well done. Watch in amazement as the guide cleans the fish in a fraction of the time it'd take you to do. 

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Second step, cook the fish. How? Here's one method and it's as easy as the DNC blocking Tulsi Gabbard. Wash a monster Striper filet in the sink, pat it dry, salt the fish, and congratulate yourself on sticking to mission while you have a glass of the right stuff. 

Shoot the Fish?

Maybe that's water, maybe it's not, your call. Whatever, don't waste time, cut the filet in half with a sharp knife, sharp as a clean Brexit from the EU.

Pan Sear

Well done, you've gone far, but there's still a way to go. Put some olive oil and butter in a frying pan and heat it up, medium high. As the oil begins to smoke like an Inspector General's report ready to go critical, add the fish to the pan. Listen in wonder as it sizzles.

Not Perfect But Tasty As You Like

Fry for about four minutes a side depending on the thickness of the filet, your goal is a crispy, golden brown exterior and firm, succulent, flaky interior. That achieved or approximated to, crack some pepper over the fish and serve with lemon and some kind of vegetable. Don't say Beto.

Third step. Fall on your scoff like a warrior.

Fish on,

LSP

Cooking With LSP -- Cyber Monday Pie

"Oh, cooking with LSP, where's that on the spectrum?" Good question. First things first, get a gun and put it on the table, I use a Glock 21 but that's just me. You might prefer a revolver, a Sig, a CZ or a Beretta. Up to you.

Next, boil up leftover beef bones or beef ends, the fatty, gristly stuff you don't want to eat. Add salt and pepper, you're making stock. Let it boil then reduce to a simmer for around an hour or so until the fat's rendering. You'll want around 2 cups worth.

While the stock's doing its thing, chop up an onion, a leek, a carrot or two and peel 4 or 5 cloves of garlic. Don't crush or mince the garlic, this isn't some kind of Macronite, faux Napoleon, globalist assault on traditional value. 

No, throw the whole cloves into the tin with the rest of the veg. Add olive oil and a few tablespoons of butter. Pour a cup+ of beef stock over the veg, then put that bad boy in the oven at 400* to roast. Why?

Because it'll taste good, trust me. Let the veg roast for around an hour, 'til it's starting to char, In the meanwhile, cube up some leftover roast beef, as much as you like, set it aside. 

Boil up a couple of carrots and set them aside, slice some mushrooms in half or leave 'em whole if they're small. Set them aside too. Well done, you're nearly there, so have a glass of wine or seltzer water, your choice. I chose wine.

Thirst assuaged, make a poor man's roux. I use 4 tbls of butter, flour, salt and pepper and a cup of milk+. Cook it up and behold the roux magically thicken, then pour in 1 1/2 cups of stock. Add more stock if needed, up to you.

Stir it 'round like a champion. Add the roast veg, beef, and mushrooms, stir and let simmer for a good 30 minutes. You'll see the roux change color from cream to brown. Such is cooking.

While the beast's simmering away and consolidating like a battle group about to go over the start line, roll out some pasty. I cheat and use pre-made and here's the orthodoxy; don't use puff pastry in a beef pie, use the other sort. But I like the rainbow riding puff, it tastes better. Whatever, your call.

Pastry rolled, pour the simmering awesomeness of beef and veg into a deep pie dish. Stand back and consider the completion of this phase of the advance. Perhaps play some baroque fanfares, up to you. Chivalric reverie over, don't say Agincourt, place the rolled out dough over the mix.

Decorate the in potentia pie crust with leftover dough, then glaze with egg white and put the whole thing in the oven at 375* for as long as it takes, around an hour.

Take it out, let it rest, and eat your scoff like...

A King,

LSP

Cooking With LSP, Venison Backstrap

Excuse me? You snort indignantly. You can't cook with LSP. Not so fast, tiger. You can and here's how. First step, go out and shoot a deer or get someone to do it for you. 

Next step, get a slab of the deer's backstrap, maybe some tenderloin too, and behold its glory; season with salt and pepper, then marinade in a mixture of soy sauce and brown sugar, about a 1/4 cup of the one and a couple of tablespoons of the other.

Put it in the fridge. Well done, you've successfully completed the first evolution of this training program and you've earned a break. Take it, go fishing, sharpen your knives, clean guns, whatever, it's up to you.

As the sun begins to set, take the venison out of the fridge, cut it into thick slices (1.5/2" or so), wrap in bacon, skewer with a toothpick and marvel at the genius of it all. 

When you've recovered from that, put those bacon wrapped chunks of awesome on a rack in a tin in the center of a 350* preheated oven.

Relax, you're nearly there. Have a glass of wine if you like, have several; there's no rush because the meat has to cook for around 20 minutes, until the bacon's on the go. But be careful, don't overcook, you're after medium rare or at least I am. So know the heat of your oven.

Oven done, finish the beasts off on a heavy metal hot skillet. Please don't, in your enthusiasm, grasp the handle of the red hot skillet. Trust me, it hurts. 

Then serve with vegetables if you want and eat your scoff...

Like a Warrior,

LSP

Cooking With LSP, Country Style Ribs

"Cooking with LSP?!?" you snort indignantly into an old Jeb! campaign brochure, "You can't do that." But you can, and here's how.

Go out and get a couple of pounds of bone-in country style ribs from the supermarket for around eight or nine bucks. Take a gun, if Nanny allows you to defend yourself like a free man, or woman; I chose a Glock 21, but that's just me. Buy some carrots, celery, onion, garlic, dry white wine, olive oil, apple juice or cider, cider vinegar and tomato paste, grainy Dijon mustard, bay leaves, thyme, chicken broth and dried red pepper. 

Ingredients. Note Spyderco

If you already have these ingredients you don't have to get them again, unless you're all about building fail-safe redundancy into your EOTW (end of the world) food store.

Return from the supermarket and get out a crock pot, cast iron works well, it can go in the oven. Put the pot on the stove at medium high with 2 tablespoons of oil and brown the pork, previously salt and peppered, then place the meat aside. Don't be intimidated, it's not hard.

Shoot The Plate With a Glock

Add 1 more tablespoon of oil, 1 chopped carrot, celery stick and onion to the pot, and cook on medium heat until softened. Add 3 cloves of minced garlic and cook for a further minute, then 2 tablespoons of tomato paste. Stir this up for a bit then pour in that white wine you bought earlier, 1/2 a cup worth. Raise the heat to medium high and scrape up any browned meat or veg from the bottom of the pan. 

While you're at it, turn up the jukebox, perhaps it's playing Thank Christ For The Bomb, or Rebel Son's famous Bury me in Southern Ground. Whatever, you decide, like a Sovereign.

Well done, you've got this far, so have a drink as you look in wonder at the food in the pot. Have several, or not, there no rule.

Meat in, Atogether, Bring to Boil, Transfer to Oven

Wine in, add 1/4 cup of apple cider, 2 1/2 cups chicken broth, 1/2 cup cider/apple juice, 1 tbs mustard, 2 bay leaves, 3 sprigs thyme or dried equivalent, and red pepper. Salt and pepper to taste. Then put the pork in the pot. There, it's altogether. Bring to a boil then cover and transfer to an oven at 325*, middle position. Cook for around 1 hour 45 minutes, removing the lid for the last half hour. 

Scoff

The meat should be fall-off-the-fork tender, if it isn't, return to the oven and cook that pork 'till it is. Take it out of the oven, let it rest for a bit, and serve over mashed potatoes.

Get a Haircut, Fool.

Then eat your scoff like a Warrior. And that's cooking with,

LSP

Cooking With LSP, Just Throw it in The Pot

One of the many benefits of Easter is that you get leftover lamb. What do you do with all that lamb? Cut it up and throw it in the pot with diced onions and garlic, and fry it in olive oil and butter. 

Add some curry powder, tomato and chili powder. Don't be shy, chuck it in. After all, this isn't a fancy pants Ivy League curry, or a Druid Hill, Trump 2016, I went to Emory curry. No, it's just a rough and ready, throw-it-in-the-pot, take it as you find it curry.

Let it simmer, as you drink a cold beer. I like Fosters, which reminds me of England, even though it's from Australia.

Perhaps you roll out some dough and make naan bread in an iron skillet, perhaps not, there's no "rule." And then, simmer over, serve with rice and eat that scoff like a warrior.

Cheers,

LSP