Archbishop of Canterbury Enforces New Beatitudes

A source deep within Lambeth Palace has revealed that the Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, is forcing his Talent Pool to recite the Beatitudes, with a twist!

Unfortunate members of the Talent Pool, a group of high-flyers in the Church of England, have been ordered by Welby to recite a new set of "Beatitudes" as an exercise in "team building":

Blessed is the Talent Pool - because theirs is the kingdom of promotion,

Blessed are the MBAs – because they will inherit the salary,

Bessed are HR - because they will cut out the dead wood in a caring, sympathetic and inclusive manner,

Blessed are the CEOs – because the first will be first every time,

Blessed are the Accountants – because they can make rich men appear poor,

Blessed are the Lawyers – because they can plea-bargain here on earth,

Blessed are those with poor memory – because Alzheimer's is a great excuse when you get caught,

Blessed are the immoral – because they will rise to the top,

Blessed are those with a private jet – because they can lecture on climate change around the world.

"We have to go around the Palace wearing chinos and loafers, chanting these so-called 'Beatitudes,'" said our source, "Justin calls it 'team building' but it's really humiliating. He sits on the edge of a desk squeezing a stress ball, watching us. It's pretty unnerving, some of the Talent Pool are seriously considering dropping out of the program altogether."

The Church of England is facing declining membership and rising costs, despite women bishops and celebrity Crowley lookalike, Giles Fraser.

LSP

Coexist!

It's freezing, here in this rural Texan haven, but it's also sunny. That's because anthropogenic global warming has made the atmosphere hotter, as indicated by the bright sunshine, which has made everything colder. 

I don't know about you, but I get the strong feeling that we're not doing so well in the ongoing war against our ancient adversary, The Weather. Speaking of nonsense, here's a dorky little "meme."

Well it's all a great larf until you wake up in a Wicker Man and see the local Imam chopping your buddy's head off, while an atheist feminist Jew blasts out the Plastic Ono Band. 

Typical Pagans, Goofing Off

And don't go Morris Dancing, you lot, it's wrong.

Cheers,

LSP

Russia Sends Dogs, Obama Sends Unicorns

Dobrynya

France was down one plucky K9, after Diesel was blown up by a crazed female Muslim suicide bomber. But Russia has stepped up to the plate and sent a replacement, an adorable German Shepherd puppy called Dobrynya.

Brave Diesel

Russian Interior Ministry spokeswoman, Elena Alekseyeva, explained the significance of the puppy's name on Instagram.

Jhad Savage Hasna Boulahcen

“The puppy is called Dobrynya after a Russian epic knight, who is a symbol of strength, kindness, bravery and selfless help. The puppy will be sent to France as a sign of solidarity with the French people and police in fight against terrorism.”

Here at the Compound we're sure that little Dobrynya will one day grow up to play his part in the war on Islamic terror. But what has President Obama sent the grieving nation of France? 

A Rainbow Unicorn

Good question. Perhaps a picture speaks louder than words.

LSP

For Paris

Putin goes hard against ISIS. Well done.

LSP

Fighting Talk

If the Takfiri terrorists get past the pump and the pistol they'll have to reckon with the rods, an umbrella, an out of tune piano, and a Blue Heeler. Good luck, Daesh.

But the front against terror comes in many forms, and one of the reasons I'm here in this bucolic farming community is to face off against lib mutineers, who tried to take over the Mission in 2009 and hand it over to the pink empire of gayness, TEC (The Episcopal Church).

"Set up in the compound, LSP," said the bishop, "and stop those terrorists from taking over the church."

So that's what I did.

Your Pal,

LSP

Diocese of Gloucester Captured by Astronaut

What started off as a routine mission on the International Space Station became something spectacular, as astronaut Scott Kelly saw the Diocese of Gloucester, flying high above the earth.

“We see here what appears to be a long, white diocese, maybe the Bishop of Gloucester herself,” said the astronaut. “It looks to have two lights on it, one on each end.”

The Diocese of Gloucester

Others disagree, stating that the off-planet anomaly isn't the Diocese of Gloucester, or its bishop figure, Rachel Treweek, but a UFO.

"When an astronaut tweets a photo of a UFO," said UFO expert, Steve Waring, "you can bet people notice it. Scott Kelly likes to send out photos of the view from the windows of the space station… and they look cool. This one however has a cigar shaped glowing UFO with a metallic body in it. The UFO is about 25 meters long and 150-200 meters away. It looks like Scott was trying to hint at the existence of aliens. Message received Scott, and thanks."

UFO with aliens in it, or Diocese of Gloucester?

You, the reader, be the judge.

LSP

Obama Sock Puppet, ISIS Oil

Some people compare Obama to a sock puppet, and who can blame them. But in the meanwhile, here's this, from ZeroHedge:

"We wonder how long until someone finally asks the all important question regarding the Islamic State:who is the commodity trader breaching every known law of funding terrorism when buying ISIS crude, almost certainly with the tacit approval by various 'western alliance' governments, and why is it that these governments have allowed said middleman to continue funding ISIS for as long as it has?"

Good question.

Kick out the Jams,

LSP

And Here's Hillary! On Full Dhimwit

Hillary Clinton apparently doesn't think that Islamic terrorism has anything to do with Islam. Here she is, speaking at the Council on Foreign Relations.

“The bottom line is that we are in a contest of ideas against an ideology of hate, and we have to win. Let’s be clear, though. Islam is not our adversary. Muslims are peaceful and tolerant people and have nothing whatsoever to do with terrorism."

Peaceful, Tolerant, Muslim

Nothing whatsoever to do with terrorism. Tell that to the people who were gunned down by Muslims shouting Allahu Akbar! in Paris. Or to the people who were killed in the twin towers -- remember them? -- in the name of Islam. Or to the Jewish teacher who was stabbed by Muslims in Marseilles, yesterday. Or to the Nigerians, or the Kenyans, or what's left of Christianity in the Middle East.

No Clash of Civilizations, Move Along. Nothing to See Here.

Hillary goes on to say that we're not in a "clash of civilizations." We're not? There's no clash between Islam and the rest of the world its founder defined as the "House of War"? Between a Burka enforcing war cult and, say, Martha's Vineyard? 

Or, in religious terms, between following Christ who died for humanity, or Muhammad, who killed as much of it as disagreed with him. 

Michelle Remembers Paris

In the meanwhile, Michelle Obama dances.

ISIS laughs, or at least it would do if it wasn't being bombed by Russia. And just remember, our wise rulers insist on reminding us that ISIS won't be destroyed by "military action." And perhaps you recall Obama telling us that bombing ISIS would strengthen them.

I guess someone forgot to tell Putin.

LSP

It's Bushcraft Wednesday!

Tensions are high, after all, who knows when and where some crew of Muslims will go Muhammad, but that doesn't mean we should neglect our bushcraft skills. Or scorn black powder.

So here's a helpful infovid.

LSP

Aloha Snack Bar!

While some people are busy hanging out at upscale beach clubs in Hawaii and riding around on motorcycles, we're manning the front lines, here in Texas.

Good Work, Einstein

Maybe that's why Blue Mimeticist decided to join in with the predawn chorus of roosters and crazed peacocks this morning.

Brave Defender

Stand to, everyone, maybe that's Daesh creeping up on the perimeter, or a squirrel, or the simple canine exuberance of doing your utmost to sound like a shrieking, demented bird. At 5.30 am.

Dropping Some Bombs on Raqqa

In related news, Putin's going hard against Raqqa, launching Russia's strategic bombing fleet at the Takfiri death cult. As I understand it, each plane carries something like 20 tons of ordnance.

Don't mess with the Bear, white running shoe terrorists.

LSP

Allahu Akbar!

Turkish soccer fans booed and broke out into chants of Allahu Akbar! during a minute's silence for Paris, before the start of a Turkey v. Greece match this morning.

Nice. They'll probably find a warm welcome in Germany, where two Hannover soccer stadiums were evacuated after a bomb threat. No explosives were found, but a possible bomb was "blown up" by police at a city train station. Hannover residents have been urged by law enforcement to not "stay in groups."

How's That Peace Sign Working Out For 'Ya?

You know, I applaud Germany for doing its best to welcome people trying to escape from our, ahem, enemies, ISIS. But Muslim immigration, on a massive scale?

What, in the wildest dreams of an overactive imagination, could possibly go wrong. Suicide bombers? Throwing grenades at death metal concerts? Gunning people down at cafes? Too bad that's not some deranged NSDAP fantasy.

Hannover was lucky this time.

LSP

Incarnation

In a bold attempt to find something positive in this dark and barbarous time, my mind goes to the Incarnation. Here's some Austin Farrer:

"We cannot understand Jesus as simply the God-who-was-man. We have left out an essential factor, the sonship. Jesus is not simply God manifest as man; he is the divine Son coming in manhood. What was expressed in human terms here below was not bare deity; it was divine sonship. God cannot live an identically godlike life in eternity and in a human story. But the divine Son can make an identical response to his Father, whether in the love of the blessed Trinity or in the fulfillment of an earthly ministry. All the conditions of action are different on the two levels; the filial response is one. Above, the appropriate response is a co-operation in sovereignty and an interchange of eternal joys. Then the Son gives back to the Father all that the Father is. Below, in the incarnate life, the appropriate response is an obedience to inspiration, a waiting for direction, an acceptance of suffering, a rectitude of choice, a resistance to temptation, a willingness to die. For such things are the stuff of our existence; and it was in this very stuff that Christ worked out the theme of heavenly sonship, proving himself on earth the very thing he was in heaven; that is, a continuous perfect act of filial love."

I like that, a lot.

LSP