British Cryptids

Great Britain's no stranger to the weird and wonderful, to mysterious creatures which may or may not be real. Experts, brave enough to look beyond the dogma of current scientific orthodoxy call them "cryptids," creatures that aren't proved by science, until they are. Here at the Compound we're pleased to present a sample of these beasts from the Sceptered Isle.

The Mullally

The Mullally. Long thought to be a lingering remnant of pagan devotion to the corn goddess, the Mullally mythos starts in Devon and became popularized in the 17th century children's song, "Mullally, Mullally, we all fall down." Sightings of the large toothed cryptid are currently confined to London. 

The Southwark

The Mullally is not to be confused with the Southwark, popularly known as the Streatham Werewolf and famous for howling, "I'm the Southwark, it's what I do!" Recent sightings of this half-man, half- something else seem to indicate the Southwark has grown less aggressive in recent years.

Boy

Moving North, reports are coming in about a strange creature locals call "Boy."  Boy, apparently a holdover from an age where biological sex and dentistry was somehow blurred, stalks the winding, cobbled streets of Gloucester, a cathedral city labouring under an ancient curse.

So Faull

To the Northeast, local legend talks of the Faull, part man, part woman, who haunts the onetime Royalist port of Bristol. Witnesses report earsplitting shrieks, cutting the night, "Am I a man!?!"

The Nameless Thing

Then there's the Nameless Thing. A vampire?

Cheers,

LSP

No You Are Not Awesome

My, it being a Sunday, just look at these bishop figures. Imagine, if you can, so many people pretending to be something they don't believe in anyway. I like this infographic:

Touching, isn't it. Then there's the new bishop figure of London, pretty hot, eh? C'mon, COE, let's fill those empty pews!

But don't forget Gloucester, which labours under an ancient curse. Maybe Rachel's going to lift that because she's so feminine and gorgeous.

See, the thing is no one's going to take the venerable if disastrously shrinking Church of England seriously if they don't consecrate women to the episcopate.

Just you wait and see; something nasty in the woodshed? With apologies to the awesome Stella Gibbons, hardly, parading in plain sight.

Your Old Friend,

LSP

Gloucester Cathedral Goes Dhimmwit

The Church of England's famous Gloucester Cathedral went full-on dhimmwit the other day by inviting a Moslem Imam to give the Islamic call to prayer in the once Christian cathedral's Medieval Chapter House.

Imam Hassan of the Gloucester's Masjid-e-Noor mosque gave the Islamic call to prayer on cathedral property, provoking outrage on the part of Christians.

So Inspiring!

Comments such as, "My ancestors built this cathedral and to allow a practising Muslim to pray to another God is insanely naive. What did you think it would do? Encourage them to convert?" and, "This is why England is on the downslide. Culture and Race have nothing to do with the first commandment as God made all races and he cares about souls only," caused Gloucester Cathedral to shut down a Facebook page on the event.

Now I'm Inspired!

The Imam's appeal for people to become Muslim in a Christian Cathedral was part of a wider art exhibit called "Faith" which featured Buddhist chanting, Rasta drumming, Hindu dancing and a pagan pop band.

Now I'm Really Inspired!!

How many people attend Gloucester Cathedral on any given Sunday is a mystery, as is the rumour that the ill-fated diocese suffers under an ancient curse.

Kizmet,

LSP

Hillary Clinton's Foreign Policy Caught on Camera?

Two Florida men believe they may have caught Hillary Clinton's Foreign Policy on video in the Florida woods.

The Foreign Policy, which is popularly known as "Skunk Ape" because of its "awful stench," was briefly caught on camera and could be heard "chattering," making incomprehensible noises.

"I will mimic it," said one of the men, "Most of the time it sounds like bluh, bluh, bluh.”

Others aren't convinced. According to one expert, "It may look, act and sound a lot like Hillary Clinton's foreign policy, but there's a simpler explanation. It's just the Bishop of Gloucester, messing around in the woods, trying to get away from the old curse."

Is the mythical Skunk Ape Hillary's Foreign Policy, or is it the Bishop of Gloucester? You, the reader, be the judge.

LSP

It's The Woman Bishop Beauty Pageant!

It's a rare day that the shrinking Church of England doesn't promote a woman to one of its top bishop jobs, but who's the best looking?

Libby Lane?

Karen Gorham?

Christine Hardman?

Alison White?

Rachel Treweek?

Which one of these stained glass ceiling stunners wins the beauty prize?

You, the reader, be the judge.

LSP

Church of England Appoints Nudist Woman Bishop

Hardly a week goes by without the Church of England appointing a new woman bishop in its desperate attempt to reverse declining congregations and shrinking budgets. But the new Bishop of Sherbourne, Karen Gorham, isn't just a woman, she's also a nudist.

Archdeacon of Buckingham, Karen Gorham, was named next Bishop of Sherbourne last Thursday and has a long history of nudism, going back to her upbringing in a nudist family. According to Gorham, going around naked isn't necessarily about sex:

A Typical Woman Bishop Figure

"The connection of nakedness and sex, though it may seem inescapable, need not necessarily be so," stated the new bishop in a theology booklet, "Life in a naturist club, or a naturist resort, is just about doing things which one generally does with clothes on, but unclothed when the circumstances permit it."

Pew Filler

Gorham, 51, is unmarried. Maybe she'll get all the "singles" back to church and fill those empty CofE pews.

Good luck.

 

LSP

Diocese of Gloucester Captured by Astronaut

What started off as a routine mission on the International Space Station became something spectacular, as astronaut Scott Kelly saw the Diocese of Gloucester, flying high above the earth.

“We see here what appears to be a long, white diocese, maybe the Bishop of Gloucester herself,” said the astronaut. “It looks to have two lights on it, one on each end.”

The Diocese of Gloucester

Others disagree, stating that the off-planet anomaly isn't the Diocese of Gloucester, or its bishop figure, Rachel Treweek, but a UFO.

"When an astronaut tweets a photo of a UFO," said UFO expert, Steve Waring, "you can bet people notice it. Scott Kelly likes to send out photos of the view from the windows of the space station… and they look cool. This one however has a cigar shaped glowing UFO with a metallic body in it. The UFO is about 25 meters long and 150-200 meters away. It looks like Scott was trying to hint at the existence of aliens. Message received Scott, and thanks."

UFO with aliens in it, or Diocese of Gloucester?

You, the reader, be the judge.

LSP

The Fryday Roundup

It's been a busy week, here in the newsroom, as our team of hard-pressed writers struggle to make deadline while living on a punishing diet of pork chops, bacon, steak, Fritos, bean dip and the occasional Marie Callender chicken pot pie. While being attacked by The Weather. So here's a couple of highlights.

Houston Goes Full Pink Stasi 

Two Christian daycare workers have been fired in Houston. Their crime? Refusing to tell the kids that a girl is a boy. 

What. A. Pair. Of. Haters.

Unlike the Episcopal Church, (TEC) which is welcoming and inclusive, unless it's suing you. 

The Episcopal Church on Full Gurn 

Michael Curry became the Episcopal Church's Presiding Bishop at Washington National Cathedral on November 1. Maybe he'll turn the declining denomination's ever dwindling demographics around by making people "happy." Or Muslim, or both. But in the meanwhile...

The Episcopal Church Tanks 

TEC's stats are in and what can we say? Don't worry. Be happy!

"To put some of these losses in perspective, in terms of membership, we lost the combined equivalent of the dioceses of Bethlehem, Central Pennsylvania, Delaware, Easton, Northwestern Pennsylvania, Southwestern Virginia, and West Virginia. Or (in Province IV) of Mississippi, Tennessee, and Western North Carolina. Or (in Province VII) of Arkansas, Fort Worth, Northwest Texas, Oklahoma, and West Missouri."

Way to go, TEC.

And then there was Heather Cook, the onetime Assistant Bishop of Baltimore.

Shackled Felon 

"It was also revealed in Court that any civil claims and liability surrounding then-Bishop Heather Cook, the Diocese of Maryland and The Episcopal Church have been settled. Lawyers for the Palermo family confirmed such a resolution was hammered out but declined to provide details."

As Heather was going down, America was going up, in gun ownership.

Thanks, Barack and Hillary.

Gun Up! 

“Barrack Obama and Hillary Clinton are the best gun salespeople on the planet. The more they scream for new gun control laws the more guns walk off the shelves at gun stores,” said Alan Gottlieb, the head of the Second Amendment Foundation. “To quote the lyrics of Peter, Paul and Mary, ‘When will they ever learn, when will they ever learn.’”

Apparently never, like our President's, ahem, resolve to destroy the murdering white tennis shoe savages of the Caliphate.

Radically Destroy Them 

“You are asking me how we can deal radically with ISIS. The only answer is to radically destroy them."

Canon Andrew White may affect a curious blazer rig but no-one can fault him for telling it like is.

Just so you know, White's a member of the Anglican Communion, which may have been found by stargazing boffins at the European Space Agency.

Anglican Communion Found by Astrophysicist? 

"Many other regions beyond our observable universe would exist with each such region governed by a different set of physical parameters than the ones we have measured for our universe..."

Maybe we'll see how it all ends in January, but one thing's for sure, the cutthroat War on Weather continues with a vengeance.

Winning The War on Weather

Not easy when El Nino's on the loose and the Antarctic ice cap's growing. But wars don't come cheap, so sue Exxon.

Good work, Hillary, et al. Speaking of which, People Don't Trust Her. 

Shocka.

And let's not forget the ongoing curse of the Diocese of Gloucester.

Beating The Curse of The Diocese of Gloucester

Gavin Ashenden wins the truth prize as another bishop figure falls afoul of the ancient curse.

"In the end, it is Scripture and the creeds that divide us. Bishop Rachel and those who appointed her and follow her are on one side of the divide; and the one, holy, catholic and apostolic church is on the other."

Perhaps the latter will somehow survive in the venerable CofE, but at ACoC's St. Albans, in Ottawa? Not so much.

The Anglican Church of Canada Misses Earth?

A mysterious skull-faced asteroid narrowly missed collision with our fragile island home, the earth. 

Or did it land at St. Albans, in Ottawa?

You, the reader, be the judge.

And don't forget, Hillary for Prison, 2016.

LSP

Church of England Gets Another Woman Bishop!

The Church of England has promoted another woman to one of its most important jobs, the Bishop of Gloucester.

Rachel Treweek was just an Archdeacon in Hackney, when she got the go-ahead from the CofE's Top Brass to become the first ever woman Bishop of Gloucester. She takes over from bishop Michael Pelham, who was accused of sexual misconduct and resigned from his post.

According to the BBC, Treweek is a "natural leader" and has "a voice that speaks up for those who are marginalised; and a compassionate voice that speaks into lives and places which are hurting."

I think that's beautiful.

Maybe Treweek will reverse the church of England's implosion into risible irrelevancy.

LSP