War Drums

Have you noticed how every time Wikileaks dumps a thousand or so email revelations on Team Clinton, and it's daily, the war drums pound louder?

Like, how dare they expose us for being corrupt pay-to-play Saudi Arabian proxies. Even Great Britain's fabled RAF (who knew there still was one) is getting in on the act, with pilots being given the green light to shoot down Russian planes. And on, and on.

Senator Kerry

Really? We're getting ready to go to war with Russia in order to protect our allies Saudi Arabia, Qatar, the UAE, ISIS and Al Queda? So that Candidate Hillzebub Clinton can preside in satanic majesty over a radioactive wasteland?

Recall the flies. The spirits of the pit do not think as the living.

Hillzebub! Hillzebub! War! War! War! Hillzebub! Hillzebub!

I thought we'd reached peak insanity a week or so ago. I was wrong. It's climbing.

LSP

For Paris

Putin goes hard against ISIS. Well done.

LSP

The War On Weather!

As I sat here on a typically chilly late May in Texas, cleaning the kind of gun that isn't allowed in, say, England or Connecticut, my thoughts stray to war. And not just any old war, the kind of war we used to fight against Nazis, Communists, Yankees, or even peace-loving Muslims. No, not that kind of war at all, but a new battle, a fight against the vast, impersonal forces of nature herself.

Our Commander-in-Chief, and Secretary of State, have spoken. Climate Change is America's new enemy, a threat that eclipses the illusory specter of terrorism brought on by oppressed and poverty-stricken peoples of color who are looking for jobs.

Taking Cover

But that's by the by, the weather is our true aggressor, and the nation's Commander is going to make that clear to the Coast Guard today. Thanks to the New York Times, we have excerpts from his rousing speech.

“I am here today," Barack Hussein Obama will announce, "to say that climate change constitutes a serious threat to global security, an immediate risk to our national security, and, make no mistake, it will impact how our military defends our country.”

A Scene From The War On Weather

How will we fight the weather and how will our military defend us from it? The answer is straightforward and as elegant as it's powerful. We will levy a tax on everyone who uses the weather, and then we will deploy our military to enforce the tax.

Weather Terrorists who refuse to pay the tax and fight our common enemy, Climate Change, will be sanitized with the full force of the greatest fighting machine the world has ever known, and we will win this war. Against the weather.

Ready For War, Against The Weather

Thunder, lightning and heavy rain are predicted here in Dallas, where it's colder because we've made the world warmer.

The sooner this enemy is defeated the better.

Your friend,

LSP

Mad Mitch

Some of you may have noticed that there's a scrap going on in Aden. It's important, because of oil, and who knows how it will all pan out. Will our Iranian allies win, or will our Saudi/Qatari allies win? Maybe ISIS will win. Do we back them? With guns and ammo and PR spin? (propaganda) Who knows.

But we do know that Lt. Col. "Mad Mitch" of the Argyll and Southern Highlanders, had the temerity to retake the Crater in Aden, in 1967.

He was hated for that.

I'm a big fan of Mad Mitch, ever since I was a kid. His Highlanders took care of business.

LSP

Well Done, Woodentop! Or, Kerry Goofs Again.

U.S. Commander in Chief, President Barack Hussein Obama, has launched a new weapon, an artificial intelligence, (AI) in his attempt to build a coalition of allies dedicated to overthrowing the non-Islamic terror group that mistakenly calls itself the Islamic State.

The Commander

Affectionately known to its clandestine DAARPA handlers as "Woodentop", the Kerry AI is a Fast Boat Class, experimental war android.

The Android

Since arriving in Turkey to cement an alliance against the brutal non-Islamic Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS), the lantern-jawed Kerry AI has stated that fighting an anti-terrorist war against ISIS is not, in fact, a "war."

ISIS Laughs

Instead, Kerry warned that military action against the Islamists that aren't Islamists is"a very significant counterterrorism operation" that will take "some period of time" and "have many different moving parts." 

Moving Parts, Woodentop?

Whether the Kerry AI's cognitive functions are solid state or contain moving parts is classified. After listening to the experimental android's arguments, Turkey has refused to let the U.S. use its airbases to strike at ISIS targets.

Since the Kerry made its "war is not war" statements, the White House has refuted its foreign policy android by announcing that it actually is at war with ISIS.

Confused? Neither are we.

Way to go, Woodentop. 

LSP

Obama World Peace Solution

In a desperate bid to bring about an end to war and quell turbulent unrest in its own backyard, America's top-level Messiah Class Obama 'droid launched a bold new peace initiative in an ornate Kansas theater.

Teeth 3000

Speaking to a disappointingly small crowd of 1,500 admirers, the Messiah 'droid urged radical non-aggression. "Stop being mad all the time. Stop, stop, stop just hatin’ all the time," said the deep-thinking hi-tech replicant to raucous cheering and applause.

Observers of the U.S. government's attempt to cut costs and improve efficiency by deploying robot technology are divided. Some believe that there is a clear AI hierarchy, with the Messiah 'droid leading lesser robots, such as the Teeth 3000, the Witch and Woodentop. 

The Witch

Others aren't so sure, with one pundit stating, "Barack=Hillary=Kerry in leadership, charisma, integrity and capability to be Leader of the Free World."

Whatever the case, Republicans have voted to sue the Messiah 'droid for abusing its DAARPA designated Executive Power. It appears that the Obama peace initiative has arrived dead in the water, as doomed as Woodentop's disastrous Gaza ceasefire proposal and the Witch's defense of the Hamas terror group.

Woodentop

Is there an AI hierarchy? Or are all the 'droids equally malfunctioning?

LSP

Woodentop Epic Foreign Policy Fail

You know what it's like, budgets are tight, skilled human resources thin, so you automate and put a couple of robots on the job. For the U.S., that means sending Woodentop to the Middle East to broker a ceasefire between Israel and Hamas. Good idea, right? No, bad idea, because our DAARPA designed SECSTATE 'bot doesn't work right. Due to a programming glitch, it seems that Woodentop forgot about Hamas' terror tunnels in its peace proposal.

Amateurish

Unsurprisingly, Israel mocked Woodentop's next to useless performance. According to the Times of Israel, “Leaked comments from unnamed senior government sources to Army Radio, Channel 2 and other Hebrew outlets have described the secretary as amateurish, incompetent, incapable of understanding the material he is dealing with – in short, a blithering fool.”

Incompetent

Others were more scathing, accusing the inept 'droid of being a space alien. "It's as if he isn't the foreign minister of the world's most powerful nation, but an alien, who just disembarked his spaceship in the Mideast," wrote Barack Ravid, for the left-leaning Haaretz newspaper.

Failed

What next? In the words of one commentator, "Go back to Beacon Hill, Woodentop. Jackass." We can only hope.

John Kerry, even though you are an android replicant, you get a sturdy10 Alien Head Awards.

LSP

x10