Spaceman

U.S. Secretary of State, John Kerry, is like an out of control astronaut who is lost in space, say White House officials.

According to the leftist New York Times, White House staff say Kerry is like the astronaut in the film Gravity, somersaulting through space, untethered from the White House.

Out of Control

This isn't the first time that Kerry has been described as an out of control spaceman. Israel's left-leaning Haaretz newspaper described him as a space alien.

Spaceman

"It's as if he isn't the foreign minister of the world's most powerful nation, but an alien, who just disembarked his spaceship in the Mideast," wrote Barack Ravid, the paper's diplomatic editor.

"If he gets rubbished by Haaretz it means he really goofed up," said one foreign policy expert.

Limo Lib Comsymp Millionaire

Comsymp limo-lib socialist John Kerry's net worth is an estimated $194 million. His Illuminati wife, Teresa Heinz, owns assets of approximately $750 million. 

They have a prenup.

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Woodentop Epic Foreign Policy Fail

You know what it's like, budgets are tight, skilled human resources thin, so you automate and put a couple of robots on the job. For the U.S., that means sending Woodentop to the Middle East to broker a ceasefire between Israel and Hamas. Good idea, right? No, bad idea, because our DAARPA designed SECSTATE 'bot doesn't work right. Due to a programming glitch, it seems that Woodentop forgot about Hamas' terror tunnels in its peace proposal.

Amateurish

Unsurprisingly, Israel mocked Woodentop's next to useless performance. According to the Times of Israel, “Leaked comments from unnamed senior government sources to Army Radio, Channel 2 and other Hebrew outlets have described the secretary as amateurish, incompetent, incapable of understanding the material he is dealing with – in short, a blithering fool.”

Incompetent

Others were more scathing, accusing the inept 'droid of being a space alien. "It's as if he isn't the foreign minister of the world's most powerful nation, but an alien, who just disembarked his spaceship in the Mideast," wrote Barack Ravid, for the left-leaning Haaretz newspaper.

Failed

What next? In the words of one commentator, "Go back to Beacon Hill, Woodentop. Jackass." We can only hope.

John Kerry, even though you are an android replicant, you get a sturdy10 Alien Head Awards.

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