Saturday, December 13, 2014

Church of England No-Talent Management

The Church of England has hit on a radical new way to reverse its declining fortunes. Hire some consultants and create more bureaucracy, of course.


In a bold new move to turn around the dismal failure of CofE leaders to get people to go to their failing church, a £2-million budget has been approved to implement Talent Management for Future Leaders and Leadership Development for Bishops and Deans: A new approach.


In keeping with CofE best practice, training will be run by a secular institution or business school, although a "spiritual retreat" is also envisaged. In step two of the career promotion programme, 150 potential top decision makers will have to pass a 5 year course at Archbishop Justin Welby's London palace.


Failure to pass the five year "path to success" will result in career candidates being thrown out of what the report refers to as a "talent pool" and having to make do as ordinary, if failed, clergypersons. According to the Church Times, the "talent pool" will be made up of up to "150 high-potential individuals."

High Potential

You can read Let Nothing You Dismay for some commentary but I have to say, whatever happened to holiness of life being a qualifier for office in the church? And who's making the profit? 

Throw Up In Your Mouth

I'll tell you this, it won't be parishes or the increase of the Body of Christ. And with that in mind, maybe someone should follow the money all the way to the "talent pool."

God bless,



LL said...

Are you moving to the palace now with Blue Tutor?

LL said...

Those are some masculine women. What were they before they entered the C of E leadership academy? Truck drivers? Iron workers? Union shop stewards?

Where do you all find your talent pool to ascend to higher office? It's obvious that looks and hygiene don't matter much and that any spiritual outlook is not all that desirable.

Anonymous said...

Kind of the C of E version of the SS? The ideological pure and dedicated Stormtroopers of the New Anglican Order?

LL said...

Since they apparently have a bottomless budget, I'm thinking of enrolling in the management training program. The "no-talent" requirement fits me perfectly and I'm every bit as much of a man as the lesbians that they're recruiting.

That's me - on the fast track to be the ArchBishop. If I get the job, the first thing that will change is that I won't want to be called a "primate". It may apply to current leadership, but, well, you know.

I wonder how the British will take to having a right wing heterosexual running their church? I mean, it would make more sense given the high Pakistani population in the UK if they picked a homosexual Paki -- but a Yank, who would want to carry a .460 revolver in a holster?

LSP said...

Kind of like that, Anonymous, but mostly lesbian.

LSP said...

I'll move to the Palace with Blue Grandee when you're Archbishop, LL. I like London, so I think I'll be happy there.

But in your case, they'll have to make a special pistol open carry exception to the present ban.

No biggy, you'll probably get "fast tracked" over all the attractive, ahem, wimmin in the talent pool.

LL said...

The new Open Carry for Christians might set a trend in the UK? Clearly it shouldn't apply to Muslims. Since it is the UK, arbitrary rules based on faith (such as Sharia courts) don't seem to bother anyone. My "carry a .45 as a symbol of faith doctrine" should be popular in bad neighborhoods.

LSP said...

I think you'll make a good replacement Archbishop. And everyone's sick of Dobby. Time for a new "negotiator."

LL said...

Will these dogs go to heaven? I think that it's possible if they are willing to repent and come to Christ. All things are possible. But you can't serve God and Mammon.

I suggest tests.

(1) Throw a graven image/ststue of a golden calf in front of them and we'll see if they worship it.

(2) Put them in a place that God is destroying due to wickedness and watch to see if they turn back and look with longing and end up as a pillar of salt.

Care to take odds?

LSP said...

You're on. I'll wager my fighting monkey against any 5 of your talent pool priestesses that the dogs fail the tests.

I'd say that was a safe bet.

jenny said...

Let's see. Being a church-going person, I am familiar with this person named Jesus. Who, as a ragamuffin that prayed and studied scripture, attracted hoards of disciples, many of whom were so passionately attracted to his message that they risked or endured martyrdom, enabling the start and survival of Christianity against all odds.

How'd he do this?
He cared for the poor and needy and destitute. He taught moral living and purity of heart, while demonstrating compassion.

Notably, he did NOT invest in re-schooling the "talent" of the Jewish leadership. He did not ask the Pharisees and Sadducees to attend secular training programs on how to administer their religion better.

We know what Jesus did WORKED VERY WELL. Not to go too far out on a limb, but maybe there's a CHANCE he'd be a prime example for what the church should do, too?

And common sense tells us that if a bride chooses to have ZERO regard for her groom's honorable ways, and starts lusting after and investing in secular men in flashy business suits... well. That marriage isn't going to thrive, is it.

Just some piddly observations from the peanut gallery...

LSP said...

I second all of that, Jenny. Church as MBA = Epic Fail.

LL said...

The message is TURN TO CHRIST, not turn to a corporate idol.

I don't think that Doby understands that. Would somebody give him a sock and ask him to go and throw himself into a well or something?

LSP said...

Dobby. Head of the Talent Pool.

Mattexian said...

When I was hoping for a new Republic of Texas, I dreamed of being appointed by our first new President, Chuck Norris, to be the first ambassador to England, and carrying a big ol' Bowie knife as part of my "cultural garb" whenever I strolled the streets. I think it might be fun to wear it to services at Canterbury when you make it as Archbishop and straighten them out!

LSP said...

That's a very good plan, Mattexian!

Go straight to the top of the talent pool.