Church of England, on the Moon?

The Church of England may have been found, on the moon. Pictures suggest that the small and declining denomination has set up shop on the Earth's orbiting companion.

While some think that the Earth's moon is home to UFO space alien bases, others think that the diminutive Church of England is responsible for "on the square" crater anomalies.

According to one expert: 

"Skeptics that debunk the Church of England on the moon theories do not have the slightest idea what is going on up there, or why human beings have not traveled to the moon even though it is a point of interest for us not only because of its proximity but also because of the exploitable natural resources present on the moon."

Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, who helped exploit oil and gas from Africa when working for Elf, was unavailable for comment.

The Shard

Ad Astra,

LSP

Church of England No-Talent Management

The Church of England has hit on a radical new way to reverse its declining fortunes. Hire some consultants and create more bureaucracy, of course.

Budget

In a bold new move to turn around the dismal failure of CofE leaders to get people to go to their failing church, a £2-million budget has been approved to implement Talent Management for Future Leaders and Leadership Development for Bishops and Deans: A new approach.

Talent

In keeping with CofE best practice, training will be run by a secular institution or business school, although a "spiritual retreat" is also envisaged. In step two of the career promotion programme, 150 potential top decision makers will have to pass a 5 year course at Archbishop Justin Welby's London palace.

Success

Failure to pass the five year "path to success" will result in career candidates being thrown out of what the report refers to as a "talent pool" and having to make do as ordinary, if failed, clergypersons. According to the Church Times, the "talent pool" will be made up of up to "150 high-potential individuals."

High Potential

You can read Let Nothing You Dismay for some commentary but I have to say, whatever happened to holiness of life being a qualifier for office in the church? And who's making the profit? 

Throw Up In Your Mouth

I'll tell you this, it won't be parishes or the increase of the Body of Christ. And with that in mind, maybe someone should follow the money all the way to the "talent pool."

God bless,

LSP

Justin Welby Was Bronski Beat?

Rumors have surfaced that the Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, was a driving force in Great Britain's first ever "gay band," the Bronski Beat.

nasty

Long-lost photos of the 1980s pansexual trio appear to show an already balding but blond Welby posing with members of the smash-hit, gay-wonder pop group.

grinning

Others dismiss the claim. "Justin wasn't hanging out at the bathhouses with Barack and the Communtards," stated one expert on the 1980s, "He was busy 'taking' Africa for its oil. Everyone knows that."

Bronski

Was Welby, Anglicanism's top decision-maker, a member of the boy-band, Bronski Beat? or was he just a New World Order Illuminati shill for Elf Oil?

Rough Trade

Kick out the Jams.

LSP

Friend of the Devil

You may have heard that some goof-off clowns are getting ready to hold a "Black Mass" in Oklahoma City's Civic Center. Despite being "sanitized", the diabolic parody of the Eucharist in question is evidently serious.

When asked about their Satanic Sunday activities, the leader of the devilish group replied that they meet every Sunday in an Oklahoma City-area home, going through a cycle of rituals and activities that include teachings, working on journals and workbooks, and meals together.

Dobby

One commentator couldn't resist the obvious: "Oh, it’s an Episcopal church."

Tip of the deadly assault rifle to Stand Firm.

More ammo, please.

LSP

Archbishop of Canterbury, Wire Guided Android?

Speculation is building that the Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, who is known as "Dobby", may be a guide-by-wire android.

Proof emerged during Dobby's tour to South Africa, where observers spotted a wire protruding from the back of the Archbishop's head. Previously considered a stand-alone, autonomous Artificial Intelligence (AI), it now appears that the Canterbury Class Churchbot is controlled.

Wire Guided

"All this time I thought of Dobby as sort of an autonomous evil droid - like the sorts on Star Wars. Sure, the Dark Side of the Force controlled him, but now this new revelation that he's wire guided. It's disturbing," stated a U.S. defense systems expert.

Droid

If true, the implications are worrying. What outside power is controlling the Dobby 'droid, and why? Who is at the other end of the wire; God, or something else?

LSP

I Hate Clown Masses

Maybe you like Clown Masses. Maybe you don't think they're sinister and wrong.

Sinister

That'd be a bad mistake.

Typical Dobby, Goofing Off

God bless,

LSP

White Flyer

One of the things I like to do is say Evening Prayer and then go off to shoot some skeet. I find it clears the mind and it's just a whole lot of fun, especially when you remember to aim and the enemy disintegrates under a withering hail of shot. 

Weber

With that in mind, we knocked the adversary out of the sky like good 'uns and fell back to the compound for some Weber action.

Dobby

Result, unlike Justin "Dobby" Welby, who isn't.

LSP

Church of England Gets Women bishops, ISIS Laughs

ISIS Jihadis everywhere are rejoicing as the Church of England, known to many as "Old Mother Damnable," has voted to make women bishops. While ISIS laughs, the CofE is thinking that this will make them popular and relevant, as opposed to dead and tanking. 

Jubilee!

America and Canada have had great success with this winning strategy. That's why they're making law suits converts hand over fist.

Goofing Off

So well done, CofE Now you will have women bishops because anything else is discriminatory, unjust and oppressive, in a patriarchal way. What does that make the Apostles, or Christ? Not much, obviously. But they don't care, it's not about Him anyway.

Dobby

Except that it is and mark this well; go against the Holy Spirit and you will be relentlessly destroyed by the same Spirit and yet again, the turkeys vote for Christmas.

Pew Pullers

Mind how you go,

LSP

Forward in Faith U.K. Craven Sell-Outs?

Don't get me wrong, I like English Anglo-Catholicism, but why is the Vice Chairperson of Forward in Faith U.K. attending gay pride rallies?

 She was probably just "having fun" but whatever, not good PR. See Anglican Mainstream. Here's someone's take on it:

In the approach to the fateful meeting of the Church of England’s General Synod, beginning 11 July, all the signs indicate that, unlike the more numerous evangelical opponents to women bishops, ‘catholics’ will now only be offering a token resistance. Their hope appears to be a lasting, honoured place in the bosom of the liberal Establishment. But toleration will not be extended to them for long – not because of their glaring theological incoherence – today’s Church of England does not have a serious concern for theology – but because no amount of ‘gay pride’ will be able to absolve them of the unforgivable sin of ‘sex discrimination’. With no allies at home or abroad and with nowhere else to go, the forward march already begun can lead to only one destination: complete absorption.

Dobby

Of course the Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, popularly known as "Dobby", would probably approve.

Cheers,

LSP