Cooking With LSP?

Can you cook with LSP? That's a very good question and I thought I'd put it to the test with some Country Style Ribs. More chops than ribs but whatever, they're cheap. Then I noticed that we'd all been here before.

Perhaps, I thought, the addition of a Glock 21 would change things up enough to warrant a separate post. Would the pistol improve the recipe? Yes, like Deep State Mueller adding to the WaPo's hoax machine, the Glock helped.

As I browned off the chops, deglazed the onion, garlic, celery, carrot, tomato paste, bay leaf base with apple cider vinegar, then yes, for sure, the Glock helped. Everything felt more secure, this was going to work.

Then, when the house smelled of the delicious aroma of simmering pork and the time came to add this awesomness to a plate of mashed potato, did the Glock win out? Yes, it did, because these Country Style Ribs were better than ever and twice as good.

Moral of the story? Cook with a pistol, maybe a Glock, your call, there's no "rule."

Weapons sorted, eat your scoff like a warrior. And that's cooking, with...

LSP

Cooking With LSP, Toad in the Hole

"Cooking with LSP is as dangerous as it's absurd," you mutter darkly to yourself. But not so fast, it's possible and here's how.

Get hold of a large iron pot, a mixing bowl, some flour, a pack of Johnson's Original Brats, if you can't find English bangers, eggs and milk. Then bask in the cost-effective simplicity of the ingredients. Well done, you're making Toad in the Hole; cheap and simple, nothing fancy and mighty tasty. 

Self-congratulatory reverie over, make the batter by mixing up a cup of flour, 3 eggs and 1 1/4 cups of milk in your bowl, the consistency should be smooth. Add a pinch of salt and set the mix aside in the fridge as you preheat an oven to 425. Have a glass of wine in the interim, or not. There's no rule.

Next step, pour some oil in the iron pot, add the sausages and fry until golden brown, for about 10 minutes. Watch them hiss and spit like defeated Democrats, then take your batter from the fridge, nicely chilled, and pour it directly over the sausages. (NB. some experts set the sausages aside, pour some batter in a hot pan to make a base, let it cook for 5 minutes, then add sausages and the rest of the batter. )

It won't look pretty. But don't freak out like a Spirit-Cooking Podesta staring down the barrel of emailgate, just put the whole thing in the oven, uncovered, and let it cook for 25 minutes.

After its stint in the oven, take the pot out and stare in amazement at the batter which has risen up around the sausages. Congratulations, you've made Toad in the Hole.

Cut it up and serve with onion gravy and vegetables. Then eat your scoff like a warrior.

And that's cooking with...

LSP

Cooking With LSP, Spaghetti -- UPDATE

"What!" you say in that exasperated I've got better things to do with my time tone, "Cooking with LSP? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard." Not so fast, large international readership, you can cook with LSP and here's how.

Tomatoes

Go to Walmart and marvel at the guy with a shaved head and an eagle tattooed across his scalp, then pick up 2 Ilbs of ground beef, 80/20, an onion, some garlic, a big can of tinned tomatoes and its diminutive brother, tomato paste. Guess what, none of this is expensive or even hard to find.

Spyderco

Then take your haul home in the rig and get down to business. First, chop up the garlic, around 3 cloves, and a medium onion. Perhaps you use a Spyderco Perseverance for this arduous task, perhaps you don't, there's no rule. 

Next step. Make like a Sovereign and pour a tablespoon of olive oil in a pot, add the onion and garlic and heat it up until translucent; do not burn the garlic like a fool.

Mix It Up

Add two thirds of your six buck Walmart 80/20 and brown it off. Stand back in amazement as the fat renders off the ground beef and pour in a big can of whole tomatoes and half a can of tomato paste. 

Feeling confident in your culinary expertise, spice it up with some basil and a couple of bay leaves. Don't be shy of salt and pepper and, if you're not on the pledge, some red wine.

Optional

Speaking of which, this is a good time to have a well deserved drink. After all, you've earned it, but don't forget your food! Stir the in potentia Spaghetti Bolognese around with a wooden spoon, bring it to a boil and then reduce heat. Let that bad boy simmer away covered for an hour or so, give it time to rest, then serve with spaghetti and Parmesan cheese.

Come Together

And that's the way I do it. Some people use fresh as opposed to canned tomatoes and I admire that, way to go; I can't be bothered. Others add carrots, celery, mushrooms, corn, sugar, whatever. I don't, I think that's a mistake.

Don't add carrots.

Sidearms are not essential to this recipe but they help, and remember...

Every gun is a loaded gun.

Your Old Pal,

LSP

*******************************************

UPDATE   UPDATE   UPDATE   UPDATE

*******************************************

The handgun is NOT optional.

A pinch of sugar, chili powder, and mushrooms are advised.

Gunpowder may be used. Marmite may be used.

END

Cooking With LSP, Smothered Dove

Cooking with LSP? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard, you say with a snort of condescension, and I don't blame you, who'd have thought it. But there is a way and here's how.

Go on, Shoot Some Dove

Drag yourself away from Hillary Possessed By Satan! headlines, I know, it's hard, and go out and shoot some dove. Breast the birds and season with salt, pepper and Cavender's, which is made to an "Ancient Greek Formula." Who knew that the Athenians of old had Hydrolysed Corn Soy Protein? Well, now you do. 

Dove, Onion, Heavy Metal

Take time to stand back and admire your handiwork, thinking yourself fortunate that the kitchen's protected by a .38 Special, or a Glock, or a mighty .460 Magnum, or whatever. The gun's up to you.

Set it Aside!

Next step, fry some bacon in a piece of heavy metal, set it aside when crispy, and brown the dove in the drippings along with a chopped onion and some extra Ancient Greek Formula. That done, put the dove and onion aside with the bacon and congratulate yourself on a successful evolution. Good thing you've got that pistol, right? 

Random Dogs on a Rug

Add 3 tablespoons of flour to the drippings and stir it up, don't be scared, whisk away! As it starts to thicken, open a can of chicken broth and add that, too. Stir, and ponder the delicious aroma rising from the heavy metal. Congratulations, you've made gravy, just be sure you don't get it on your elitist inside-the-Beltway tasseled loafers.

Come Together

Reverie over, add dove, onion and bacon to the pot and stir it around. Cover and bake at 350* for an hour and serve with Yorkshire Pudding, or rice, or mashed potatoes, your call. Maybe include a vegetable of some sort, like carrots, it's up to you, there's no rule.

SOVEREIGN

When it's all together on the mahogany, fall upon your scoff and eat it it, like a Sovereign. And that's cooking, with...

LSP

Cooking With LSP, Friday Fish Fry

Just because you've cleverly caught some fish and filleted them doesn't give you license to stare at the things in slack-jawed, alt right consternation, like someone who's observing the Church of England's General Synod, or Hillary Clinton's truth disorder. No, you've got to eat them, and Friday's a good time to do it.

Watch The Temp Rise

That's because you're not supposed to eat meat on Fridays, as a small token of abstinence in commemoration of the Crucifixion. That said, the ten golden, crispy Bluegill nuggets didn't seem that abstemious, but hey, they weren't steaks. 

Don't Get The Plastic Bowl Hot. It'll Melt

I used the old beer batter method and invested in a candy thermometer to gauge the temperature of the oil in the cast iron pot. Keep it at 185* and get that fish moving! First, dredge the fillets in flour. I used a blue plastic bowl from Walmart which cost $1.00, but you might go for something more fancy and 1%. 

Blue Davos

Maybe a silver bowl or a handy bit of Waterford crystal that's knocking around; whatever, that's up to you, your call. Next, immerse the fish in batter (1 cup flour, 1 egg, salt, 1 bottle light beer) and put it in the pot. Watch the fillet boil and pop in the hot oil, then remove after a few minutes, put aside to drain, and repeat.

Ah Hah!

You can serve the fish with some kind of "side," like a deep fried Mars bar or a fried cherry pie. I chose onion rings, like a member of the ruling globalist elite, and didn't regret the choice.

After admiring your fry up, serve it with some lemon, or whatever else you like, and eat your scoff like a warrior. And I tell you this, it tastes better when you've caught it yourself.

And that's cooking, with...

LSP

Cooking With LSP, Poppers. Jihad Version

"You can't cook with LSP!" you exclaim indignantly, "That's as dangerous as it is absurd." Not so fast, my friend. You can, and here's how.

Buy some Jalapeno peppers, larger ones work better, and cut them in half. Then scoop out the seeds and fill the pepper shells with cream cheese. You can use a Spyderco Perseverance to cut the peppers, but any knife will do. Just make sure it's sharp!

Next, wrap the cream cheese filled peppers in bacon. Go on, use a slice per pepper, then skewer the bacon-wrapped awesomness with a toothpick. Stand back and admire your handiwork, life is good.

Put the poppers in the oven at 400 and bake, turning half-way through, until the bacon's done, for about 20 minutes or so. then remove those bad boys from the oven and savor the delicious smell of cooking pig that fills your house. Have a beer, maybe a glass of wine, you've earned it.

After you've let the poppers rest a bit, say grace, and eat them, like Charles Martel. 

And that's cooking, with...

LSP

Cooking, With LSP

You can't cook with LSP, you mutter, darkly. Ah, but you can, and this is how it's done. Get a rifle, maybe a .270, a 30-06, or a .303, even a 5.56 will do, whatever, and go out and shoot a ferocious hog. Smaller is better.

Paint the Deck, LSP

Turn the vicious tusker into spicy sausage. That done, slice up the meat into patties and put it in a frying pan. Smile contentedly as you dial up the heat, and watch that sausage fry, filling your house with the delicious smell of sizzling wild pig.

Serve it up with eggs, any style you like, and mushrooms, or with nothing at all, there's no rule. Then say grace and eat your meal like a warrior.

And that's cooking, with...

LSP

Cooking, with LSP

You can't cook with LSP! I hear you say in that half-dismissive, half-indignant way of yours. But you can! And here's how.

Get some 80/20 Chuck, separate it out and add seasoning, salt and pepper, not Worcestershire Sauce, Tabasco or some other thing. You're making hamburgers, not Bloody Marys. Wash your hands in cold water and shape that meat into balls, then press them into 3/4" patties. Put those patties in the refrigerator as you fire up the Weber. I prefer two chimneys of charcoal. 

Cold Steel Force Recon 1

Why? Because you want the grill to be hot. Then have a glass or two of ice-cold beer, why not? There's no law against it, and when the charcoal's ready, spread it out and cover the grill to preheat it for around 5 minutes. Uncover and get the patties; put them on the hot grill. It should sizzle. 

Glorious Gloucesters

Cover the grill and let the meat cook for 4 minutes. Uncover and flip the burgers. Cover again and cook for another 4 minutes. Take the burgers off the grill, and cover in tinfoil. Then toast some buns; be careful, they don't take long, and use Sesame Seed buns, not some weird "artisanal" high-stepping tomfoolery. 

Dallas

Lay out sliced onion, tomatoes and iceberg lettuce, English mustard, ketchup, and Duke's Mayonnaise. Say grace, and eat those burgers like a chieftain.

And that's cooking, with...

LSP