Cooking With LSP, Spaghetti -- UPDATE

"What!" you say in that exasperated I've got better things to do with my time tone, "Cooking with LSP? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard." Not so fast, large international readership, you can cook with LSP and here's how.

Tomatoes

Go to Walmart and marvel at the guy with a shaved head and an eagle tattooed across his scalp, then pick up 2 Ilbs of ground beef, 80/20, an onion, some garlic, a big can of tinned tomatoes and its diminutive brother, tomato paste. Guess what, none of this is expensive or even hard to find.

Spyderco

Then take your haul home in the rig and get down to business. First, chop up the garlic, around 3 cloves, and a medium onion. Perhaps you use a Spyderco Perseverance for this arduous task, perhaps you don't, there's no rule. 

Next step. Make like a Sovereign and pour a tablespoon of olive oil in a pot, add the onion and garlic and heat it up until translucent; do not burn the garlic like a fool.

Mix It Up

Add two thirds of your six buck Walmart 80/20 and brown it off. Stand back in amazement as the fat renders off the ground beef and pour in a big can of whole tomatoes and half a can of tomato paste. 

Feeling confident in your culinary expertise, spice it up with some basil and a couple of bay leaves. Don't be shy of salt and pepper and, if you're not on the pledge, some red wine.

Optional

Speaking of which, this is a good time to have a well deserved drink. After all, you've earned it, but don't forget your food! Stir the in potentia Spaghetti Bolognese around with a wooden spoon, bring it to a boil and then reduce heat. Let that bad boy simmer away covered for an hour or so, give it time to rest, then serve with spaghetti and Parmesan cheese.

Come Together

And that's the way I do it. Some people use fresh as opposed to canned tomatoes and I admire that, way to go; I can't be bothered. Others add carrots, celery, mushrooms, corn, sugar, whatever. I don't, I think that's a mistake.

Don't add carrots.

Sidearms are not essential to this recipe but they help, and remember...

Every gun is a loaded gun.

Your Old Pal,

LSP

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UPDATE   UPDATE   UPDATE   UPDATE

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The handgun is NOT optional.

A pinch of sugar, chili powder, and mushrooms are advised.

Gunpowder may be used. Marmite may be used.

END

Obey Your Rainbow Rulers

Great Britain's Monarch, Sir Elton John, has forbidden British press from reporting on his star-studded sex life, involving steamy three-ways with his husband David Furnish and other male celebrities.

Elton John and David Furnish

Because of a court order, it is now illegal for media to publish stories about Elton John and David Furnish cavorting with their lovers in children's swimming pools and having olive oil wrestling bouts with Canadians.

John Bercow

The pink gag order extends to England's Parliament, where the Speaker of the House of Commons, John Bercow, has banned MPs from revealing the identity of England's Rainbow Rulers, Elton John, and David Furnish.

Er...

Thanks to what is known as a "back door injunction," British citizens and MPs face punitive fines and prison if they publicly reveal the identities of their Queens.

You can read about England's new-found freedom of speech here, here and here.

Some Guy in a Dress

In related news, the US Navy is actively recruiting transsexuals. "The hope," said one senior naval officer on the condition of anonymity, "is that the enemy will die laughing."

Rule Britannia,

LSP