Tuesday, October 20, 2015

The Georgia Cryptid, Altamaha-ha

Georgia, affectionately known as the Peach State, is no stranger to the strange, anomalous creatures known as "cryptids." Perhaps most famously, Georgia is home to a legendary monster, the Altamaha-ha, a mysterious aquatic animal.

Similar in appearance to the famous Loch Ness monster, with a long neck, tail and fins, the Altamaha-ha, or "Altie," is seen on a regular basis.

According to Danny Grissette of Altamaha Coastal Tours, "I see it at least once a year. We hear it a lot, too. It seems to know where your back is — you can hear it splash behind you, never in front of you." 

Eyewitness reports suggest that the beast is a mammal, with lungs, that undulates "up and down."

"You don't have any hard evidence like fossils, which can indicate the placement of muscles," said one Altie sculptor, Rick Spears. "They say it undulates up and down, but fish and reptiles move from side to side, so it's mammalian, and some people say it breathes steam or warm air, which suggests that it has lungs."

However, skeptics aren't convinced and believe the monster is probably an otter, a manatee, or even a dugong.

"The common river otter sometimes exhibits a following behavior, where several of the animals will swim in a line surfacing and dipping, creating a very compelling illusion of a single undulating creature," stated cryptid expert, Blake Smith. "Dolphins and, presumably, manatees or dugongs could also exhibit the same kind of behavior." Others dismiss the creature as a "sturgeon on steroids."

The Episcopal Diocese of Atlanta, led by Bishop Robert Wright, declined steadily from 2003-2014, losing over 16% of its Sunday worshiping attendance.

Perhaps Wright will reverse this disturbing trend. Or not.



LL said...

I expect that most sightings of the Altamaha-ha occur after people have been drinking or injecting hard drugs. Likely the sight of Bishop Robert Wright would lead me to hard liquor to remove the stain from my eyes.

Can't you excommunicate the wicked ones, LSP?

LSP said...

It does seem that that the people of Georgia are resorting to hard liquor and narcotics to dull the pain of their Atlanta bishop. And who can blame them?

Multiple excommunications are definitely in order.