The War On Weather!

As I sat here on a typically chilly late May in Texas, cleaning the kind of gun that isn't allowed in, say, England or Connecticut, my thoughts stray to war. And not just any old war, the kind of war we used to fight against Nazis, Communists, Yankees, or even peace-loving Muslims. No, not that kind of war at all, but a new battle, a fight against the vast, impersonal forces of nature herself.

Our Commander-in-Chief, and Secretary of State, have spoken. Climate Change is America's new enemy, a threat that eclipses the illusory specter of terrorism brought on by oppressed and poverty-stricken peoples of color who are looking for jobs.

Taking Cover

But that's by the by, the weather is our true aggressor, and the nation's Commander is going to make that clear to the Coast Guard today. Thanks to the New York Times, we have excerpts from his rousing speech.

“I am here today," Barack Hussein Obama will announce, "to say that climate change constitutes a serious threat to global security, an immediate risk to our national security, and, make no mistake, it will impact how our military defends our country.”

A Scene From The War On Weather

How will we fight the weather and how will our military defend us from it? The answer is straightforward and as elegant as it's powerful. We will levy a tax on everyone who uses the weather, and then we will deploy our military to enforce the tax.

Weather Terrorists who refuse to pay the tax and fight our common enemy, Climate Change, will be sanitized with the full force of the greatest fighting machine the world has ever known, and we will win this war. Against the weather.

Ready For War, Against The Weather

Thunder, lightning and heavy rain are predicted here in Dallas, where it's colder because we've made the world warmer.

The sooner this enemy is defeated the better.

Your friend,

LSP

You Sad Loser!

I went to Best Buy today, just to check things out and see what pop-tech was up to. I walked away feeling like a sad loser because:

A) I don't have a phone with a "6" after it's name.

B) My laptop isn't a touchscreen with at least 8 MB of RAM and a 1TB hard drive.

C) I don't own a wireless home-wide sound system that can stream music to any room in my house at the touch of a smartscreen.

Remember, everyone, you must buy moar, much moar, then you'll be happy. Repeat that enough and you never know, it might even come true.

On the other hand, you might decide that God and the demon Mammon are incompatible. The same thing goes for Lamashtu as well, but maybe that's a different story.

Kick out the jams,

LSP

Rainbow Nazis

Via The Fact Compiler.

You. Must. Obey. 

Vicious rumours that Team LSP celebrated Queen Victoria Day by a visit to the pub, are entirely without foundation.

LSP

Happy Victoria Day!

Today I invite you to take a break from life's vicissitudes and have a holiday, because today is Victoria Day!

Typical Victoria Day Celebration

That's right, today we stand with our friends in Canada and celebrate Queen Victoria's birthday, a few days early to be accurate, but who cares?

Canada

So have some fun, turn off Steffie-the-Hobbit, don't get into any scraps with roving gangs of outlaw bikers, maybe take a break from compulsively reading the bad news which sweeps over us like an arching tidal wave. Whatever it takes.

Calgary

I might go on a Cell Phone Jihad, in which participants shoot up their old cell phones with high power rifles. Or I might not.

There's no rule. On Victoria Day.

LSP

Well Done, Napoleon

Well done, Obama, you latter-day Napoleon.

Ramadi, capitol of Iraq's Anbar province, which borders Saudi Arabia and isn't even remotely strategic to anyone who lives in opposite land, has been overrun by ISIS savages.

As I understand it, 1,300 US soldiers and Marines died, fighting for Ramadi. All for what? So ISIS can rule there? Well why not, it's not like there's going to be an Apple Store there any time soon, or a Walmart outlet, or anything gay like that. I mean to say, there's no likelihood of a Pride rally being held in Ramadi, so why bother defending it. 

In the meanwhile, the same Muslims who enslave and rape women, and behead children, are in control of Iraq's western province.

Good work, Obama, you Rainbow Rommel.

We scorn you.

LSP

Waco Biker Shootout

Rival gangs of Outlaws clashed in Waco this evening in a shootout that left 9 bikers dead and 18 injured.

The fight occurred at the Twin Peaks restaurant, where fighting started in a restroom, then spilled over into the bar and parking lot, escalating from fists and chains to gunfire.

Police were present at the scene, with one officer, Patrick Swanton, stating, “In 34 years of law enforcement, this is the most violent crime scene I have ever been involved in. There is blood everywhere. We will probably approach the number of 100 weapons.”

According to Swanton, bikers began shooting at police, “This is one of the worst gun fights we’ve ever had in the city limits. They started shooting at our officers.”

No police or onlookers were injured (thank God). The fight centered on the Cossacks and Bandidos gangs, neither of whom are known as charitable organizations.

I drive by that restaurant quite a lot, on my way to visit the sick, or Cabela's. 

Be safe,

LSP

Behold The Hobbit

George Stephanopoulos is known around the world as a Hobbit who masquerades as an investigative journalist with a passionate love of tough, reasoned reporting, reporting that's all about uncovering the truth. Except when it comes to the Clintons.

That's because the Hobbit loves the wealthy Clintons so much that he gave three annual checks of $25,000 to the Clinton Foundation.

Dark Hobbit

And it's not just about money for the famous show-biz Hobbit, it's about time, too. That's why the small but rich celebrity spends so much it with the Clinton Global Initiative, on panels, giving prizes, sometimes simply attending, and entertaining all the millionaire socialists with its cute little hobbit tricks.

Goofy Hobbit

Tricks? You know, like failing to tell its viewers of all the support its given the Clintons over the years while pretending to be a fact-finding journalist.

Short Hobbit

Maybe the dismally tanking ABC will rid itself of its Hobbit liability, and the financially secure but truth-challenged little beast can trundle off to Mordor with Piers Morgan, in search of something precious, like a Hillary Presidency.

One Foundation To Rule Them All

Because as everyone knows, the Hobbit is all about Clinton Cash, not the news.

Dachas in Martha's Vineyard all 'round!

LSP

Drone Strike!

It was a pretty normal afternoon, here in this slice of rural paradise. Just me and the dog, Blue UAV, walking around town, taking in the sights, flying the flag.

Then, somehow, I found myself in a person's backyard,  listening. "Listening to what?" I hear you ask.

Listening to an anguished tale of being targeted by drones. The city drones, which are being operated by the County Drone Force. (CDF) Our conversation went like this:

"I declare. I am being targeted by drones."

"That's just terrible."

"It is! They come at night and hover, just over there."

"Where?"

"Why, just beyond that tree. Maybe they think I won't see them, but I do!"

"Good heavens."

"Yes. This town is positively trying to drive me from my house. But I will give it to them. For the children."

"For the children?"

"Yes, for the children. Have you read the Book of Revelations?"

It is a terrible thing to fall into the hands of an angry drone.

God bless,

LSP

Well Done

Abu Sayyaf

According to AP, U.S. Special Forces killed a senior ISIS commander, Abu Sayyaf, and captured his wife, as well as freeing a Yazidi woman who was being kept as a slave.

The raid took place in Syria, where Sayyaf was killed after what was described by a National Security Council spokeswoman as an "intense firefight" with some "hand to hand combat."

All US forces returned to base. 

More, please.

LSP

Who Are These People?

Some say that Cameron and Osborne are Edwardian Prefects with the minds of ASDA managers.

With Michael Gove as their fag.

(U.S. readers take note: "fag," in this instance, does not mean a privileged and protected class of wealthy, white, upwardly mobile, litigious citizens, but a junior boy at boarding school who acts as a servant to the senior boys.)

Carry on,

LSP

Big Cash In Bed With Big Gay

You might think that Indiana's Religious Freedom Restoration Act was rolled back by enraged squadrons of oppressed interior designers and hairdressers. Try adding Corporate America to the equation.

Here's Patrick Deneen, writing for First Things:

"This past spring, we saw something quite different and revealing and worrying. With the imprimatur of American elites, which was clearly given in the furor over Indiana’s RFRA, religiously based opposition to gay marriage is now more than ever likely to be treated by our society as tantamount to a hate crime. This elite-sanctioned attack on “bigotry” will not stop at Memories Pizza. It will be extended first to religious nonprofit institutions that insist upon the view that marriage is between a man and a woman—the schools, the colleges, the adoption services—and then will reach inevitably into the sanctuaries of the churches ­themselves. The narrative of bigotry will demand nothing less, and the protection that might have been afforded by RFRA and the First Amendment has been shown to be a parchment barrier in comparison with the might and power of cultural and financial elites."

Big Cash in bed with Big Gay? Better believe it. You can read the whole thing here.

Have a blessed Feast of the Ascension.

LSP

Wednesday Night Jukebox

It's Wednesday night and I'm cleaning a pistol, listening to Mr. Cash, and wondering where the Anglican Communion has got to.

Maybe it's in high orbit somewhere, maybe it's on Mars, or deep beneath the icy waters of Enceladus. Perhaps the Large Hadron Collider will discover it when they break into a new dimension. I don't know, maybe that's what will happen.

In the meanwhile, I heard a voice in the midst of the four beasts.

Do not take that lightly.

LSP