The War On Weather!

As I sat here on a typically chilly late May in Texas, cleaning the kind of gun that isn't allowed in, say, England or Connecticut, my thoughts stray to war. And not just any old war, the kind of war we used to fight against Nazis, Communists, Yankees, or even peace-loving Muslims. No, not that kind of war at all, but a new battle, a fight against the vast, impersonal forces of nature herself.

Our Commander-in-Chief, and Secretary of State, have spoken. Climate Change is America's new enemy, a threat that eclipses the illusory specter of terrorism brought on by oppressed and poverty-stricken peoples of color who are looking for jobs.

Taking Cover

But that's by the by, the weather is our true aggressor, and the nation's Commander is going to make that clear to the Coast Guard today. Thanks to the New York Times, we have excerpts from his rousing speech.

“I am here today," Barack Hussein Obama will announce, "to say that climate change constitutes a serious threat to global security, an immediate risk to our national security, and, make no mistake, it will impact how our military defends our country.”

A Scene From The War On Weather

How will we fight the weather and how will our military defend us from it? The answer is straightforward and as elegant as it's powerful. We will levy a tax on everyone who uses the weather, and then we will deploy our military to enforce the tax.

Weather Terrorists who refuse to pay the tax and fight our common enemy, Climate Change, will be sanitized with the full force of the greatest fighting machine the world has ever known, and we will win this war. Against the weather.

Ready For War, Against The Weather

Thunder, lightning and heavy rain are predicted here in Dallas, where it's colder because we've made the world warmer.

The sooner this enemy is defeated the better.

Your friend,

LSP