Showing posts with label space junk. Show all posts
Showing posts with label space junk. Show all posts

Monday, September 19, 2016

Will Solar UFO Save Hillary?

Remarkable footage shows what appears to be a UFO, orbiting the sun. Experts are speculating that the mysterious object is "sucking energy" from the sun to power Hillary Clinton's flagging efforts to win the White House.

According to one UFOlogist, video footage "shows three long appendages protruding from a main object. It also shows a fourth arm… That is more than two times long as the higher arms. All four arms are solid objects, not trails. 

Orbiting UFO

"It's sucking energy from the star to beam back to Hillary. She needs the extra power."

Hillary recently told a rally in Philadelphia that she was "discouraged" and "depressed."

“Now of course, politics can be discouraging,” stated Clinton to supporters at Temple University, “This election in particular can be down right depressing sometimes.”

Low Energy

Maybe that will change when the mystery starship begins sending badly needed solar power  to Hillary's faltering low energy campaign, but some observers aren't convinced.

Down Right Depressing

"It's just a piece of space junk left over from Jeb!'s dismal campaign," said one source on the condition of anonymity. "All the sun energy in the solar system couldn't save him and it won't help her, either. She's just low power. Maybe she's drained by the 'Oh Shit guy' and the ongoing email disaster."

Useless space junk left behind by Jeb!, or desperate hi-tech experiment to save Hillary's bid for power?

You, the reader, be the judge.


Monday, April 11, 2016

Snake Hunt!

What do you need to go on a snake hunt? A knife might come in handy, so take one. Take a hat, too, to keep the scorching April sun off your head. Wear boots, as an extra layer of protection against the sharp fangs of the snakes and vicious Texan thorns. But what about a gun?

A Hat

Yes, you'll need one. I chose a battered Mossberg 12 gauge pump. OK, it's not a fancy-pants, Ivy League, boarding school, Illuminati elite, Country Club double, but so what? It gets the job done.

Spot the Space Junk

Now that you're loaded for snake, set off and check out the serpentzone. I poked around in a pile of space junk that I knew a rattlesnake was fond of. How did I know? Because I saw it there the other day, with GWB. No luck. Next, peer down into a small ravine and gaze at the clear water of its creek. Tranquil, that's for sure, but still no snake.

So Where's the Snake?

Don't give up, like a beaten army, scout along a treeline and observe various animal bones while looking for Indian artifacts, maybe there'll be a snake. No, there wasn't; there were plenty of wild flowers, most attractive, but still no snake. Perhaps the snakes will be at the Beach, I thought, after all, they love water. Especially Water Moccasins. 

The Beach. Watch out for Snakes

Alright, go to the beach and look in wonder at the height of the water, chances are there'll be a snake. They do, in fact, like to congregate in places like the Beach, so if you're thinking of using this snake hunt as a guide, be careful when knocking about the shorelines of snaky tanks, I was. Regardless, the serpents were hiding, unlike the frogs which were in abundance.

Snake Territory

I called it a day after the Beach and counted it a successful armed stroll through the Texan countryside. And there's nothing wrong with that. At all.

As I write this serpentine wisdom, big lightning fills the eastern night sky like an artillery barrage, but it's silent so far.

Your Pal,


Friday, April 1, 2016

The Diocese of New Westminster Crashes in Pershore!

Residents of a sleepy market town in Worcestershire, England, got a rude awakening when the Diocese of New Westminster fell to earth early this morning.

Pershore High Street

The piece of space junk crashed onto Pershore's Church Walk, near the toney farming community's historic abbey, narrowly missing cars and startling locals.

"I was on my way to buy some smoked salmon and pheasant," stated Annabelle Harley-Ffoulkes, "when there was an appalling noise. I thought it was one of those beastly women vicars at the Abbey, but it was just the Diocese of New Westminster. I was pretty relieved, I can tell you."

Typical Pershore Street Scene

The Diocese of New Westminster went into orbit in the early 1990s, along with the Anglican Church of Canada (ACoC), and communicated sporadically with earth until it crash landed in the prosperous farming community.

Space Junk

There are an estimated 500,000 pieces of man made debris, or space junk, orbiting the earth at speeds of up to 17,500 mph. Pershore is home to 8000 people.


Thursday, September 22, 2011

Market Meltdown - Anglican Church of Canada Launches Stimulus

As investors fled today's market, dumping everything from equities to gold, ACoC, the small-footprint Canadian Anglican franchise, launched its own brand of stimulus - handing out free tokens in Toronto.

Led by top ACoC official, Bishop Mark MacDonald, clergypersons gave away gratis invites to commuters on the metro area GO Train, asking them to "go back to church." 

Dressed in full bishop's regalia, including a "button blanket" depicting an eagle, a wolf, a raven and a killer whale, MacDonald acknowledges he shocked some passengers. "People aren't used to seeing somebody dressed like that, especially at seven o'clock in the morning," said MacDonald in a statement to press.

According to Bishop Patrick Yu, who handed out tokens at Agincourt GO station, ACoC's giveaway gambit might not result in more people going to church. "The success isn't how many people come," said Yu to the Toronto diocesan website, "it's how many people do the inviting."

Others are less optimistic. "Is this Halloween?" remarked one commuter.

NASA scientists predict that ACoC, or similar space debris will fall to earth on Friday, but that's one chance in thousands. "We take in about 450,000 observations per day, and that helps us track the 22,000 space objects that we track currently. The small Anglican Church of Canada is one of them," said Major Michael Duncan at the Defense Department.

Experts are unsure as to whether ACoC's efforts to boost value in time for Back to Church Sunday will coincide with the tiny ecclesial body's possible re-entry into earth atmosphere.

ACoC leader, Fred Hiltz, was unavailable for comment.



Monday, November 22, 2010

Archbishop Abducted!


According to the controversial gay bishop of New Hampshire, Gene Robinson, the Archbishop of Canterbury has been abducted by aliens.

"Aliens have come and taken Rowan away from us. They have left something that looks like him but we don't recognise him anymore," stated Robinson to the U.K.'s Daily Mail.


Experts are divided on the date of Rowan Williams' abduction but some believe that the bearded bishop was replaced by a space creature when he became a druid, at the Gorsedd of Bards ceremony in 2002.

Others disagree. Anglican Samizdat thinks it unlikely that that the Archbishop of Canterbury has been replaced by an alien pod.

"This can’t be true: if aliens had abducted Rowan, they would have replaced him with someone whose looks would allow him to pass for a normal human specimen."

Gene Robinson sparked outrage when he became the world's first openly gay bishop in a worship ceremony at an ice rink in 2003. He lives with his "dearly beloved husband," Mark.

Five bishops have left the Church of England to become Roman Catholics.