Showing posts with label Archbishop Fred Hiltz. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Archbishop Fred Hiltz. Show all posts

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Anglican Church of Canada Spotted Over Yorkshire

Two stargazers were shocked when they spotted ACoC (Anglican Church of Canada) flying high above England's famous Yorkshire Dales.

Jayson Morehead, 21, and Keith Downlow, 23, got more than they bargained for when they went camping in the Dales to "look at the stars." 

"We were looking at the stars," stated Morehead, "When it just popped up on the horizon, blinking red, purple and rainbow [sic]. Then disappeared back where it came from. I was not sure if I saw it but looked at Keith and his face was white.

"It was there one minute, then next it lit up like a bolt of lightening. It was like a flash and whoosh, it was gone. If I'd blinked I would have missed it.

"It was absolutely incredible. The stars were dots in the night sky and the Anglican Church of Canada was the size of a 5p. It was hard to judge how far away it was but it was definitely higher than the hills."

Why the diminutive ACoC was flying above the Yorkshire Dales only to suddenly disappear remains a mystery.

Fred Hiltz declined to comment.

Ad Astra,


Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Anglican Church of Canada ODs on Zombie Drug

Scores of zombielike Canadian bishops were seen staggering blindly through a Toronto suburb, weeping, babbling and foaming down their purple shirts.

But this wasn't a movie, it was a scene from the Anglican Church of Canada's (ACoC) General Synod. "I thought I was watching The Walking Dead," said one shocked Synod delegate.


“These guys were wandering around, stumbling all over the place, and were completely out of it, they didn’t know their whereabouts, and some couldn’t even get up off the floor. One guy, I think it was the Bishop of Ottawa, was even trying to hold himself up with a Johnny pump [fire hydrant]. It was ridiculous.”


The disturbing scenes came after the Synod narrowly failed to vote in favor of allowing same-sex marriage, prompting a number of bishops to "lose it." According to one member of Synod:

"After the initial vote, a lot of people, especially bishops, seemed to lose it. People just kept showing up and then quickly dropping to the ground, flopping over, or crumpling onto the floor. They all seemed oblivious to their surroundings and just couldn't stay on their feet. It was obviously a bad batch of K2."

High on K2

K2 is a form of legal synthetic marijauna, which is known for its dangerous side-effects. After discovering that the Synod had in fact voted in favor of gay marriage rituals, affected members appeared to recover.

Loved Up

Reports that ACoC's bishops have resorted to a deadly mix of K2 and the illegal street drug Ecstasy are unverified.


Thursday, September 22, 2011

Market Meltdown - Anglican Church of Canada Launches Stimulus

As investors fled today's market, dumping everything from equities to gold, ACoC, the small-footprint Canadian Anglican franchise, launched its own brand of stimulus - handing out free tokens in Toronto.

Led by top ACoC official, Bishop Mark MacDonald, clergypersons gave away gratis invites to commuters on the metro area GO Train, asking them to "go back to church." 

Dressed in full bishop's regalia, including a "button blanket" depicting an eagle, a wolf, a raven and a killer whale, MacDonald acknowledges he shocked some passengers. "People aren't used to seeing somebody dressed like that, especially at seven o'clock in the morning," said MacDonald in a statement to press.

According to Bishop Patrick Yu, who handed out tokens at Agincourt GO station, ACoC's giveaway gambit might not result in more people going to church. "The success isn't how many people come," said Yu to the Toronto diocesan website, "it's how many people do the inviting."

Others are less optimistic. "Is this Halloween?" remarked one commuter.

NASA scientists predict that ACoC, or similar space debris will fall to earth on Friday, but that's one chance in thousands. "We take in about 450,000 observations per day, and that helps us track the 22,000 space objects that we track currently. The small Anglican Church of Canada is one of them," said Major Michael Duncan at the Defense Department.

Experts are unsure as to whether ACoC's efforts to boost value in time for Back to Church Sunday will coincide with the tiny ecclesial body's possible re-entry into earth atmosphere.

ACoC leader, Fred Hiltz, was unavailable for comment.



Saturday, July 23, 2011

Bishop, Alien, Monkey?

Villagers in China have made a shocking discovery, a strange creature that could be one of the long lost Bishops of ACoC. (Anglican Church of Canada) 

Mrs. Mao Xiping thought it was a harmless rabbit until she noticed that the creature had an 'alien face'. Her neighbours agreed it was like nothing they had ever seen before and thought it acted 'a lot like Bishop Ingham, gobbling up everything in sight.'

Space Aliens
After devouring cucumbers, peaches and local churches, the creature was caged in a washing basket and taken to police, who arrested it.

'It has a voracious appetite,' said Mrs. Mao, who remains convinced that she caught ACoC's litigious Bishop of New Westminster.

But experts aren't convinced. 'It could be a Canadian Bishop, or an alien, or a monkey,' said one scientist, 'It's hard to tell.'

When last seen, the tiny ACoC was heading into the icy vastness of deep space.

Archbishop Fred Hiltz was unavailable for comment.


Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Anglican Church of Canada - Spotted!

The elusive Anglican Church Church of Canada (ACoC) has been spotted, this time over Nowra, Australia.

Appearing to be little larger than a brightly lit soccer ball, the diminutive Church was seen to hover briefly over streetlights before vanishing into the night sky.

Pundits predict that ACoC has resumed its earlier trajectory beyond earth orbit, though some experts believe that the Nowra sighting was a preliminary to a long awaited "full disclosure event."

ACoC's Archbishop, The Rt. Rev. "Fred" Hiltz was unavailable for comment.

Ad Astra,


PS. Some readers of this blog believe I've galloped through a barn. This is untrue.