Lord of the Dance

Churches have to grow, it's a fact, and I'm grateful to Team LSP for coming up with some good suggestions that will help me achieve this goal at the Missions. 

Altar

Here's one: "I know this artist who paints as a form of worship, right up at the altar. At the end of the service, she has completed a masterpiece. You should invite her to train them to do altar paintings." Good idea!  

A Praise Band, "Getting it On." Note Dancer.

Here's another one: "We should get drums, fog machines, and hire a barista." I like it, but that's not all.

Oh Yeah.

"You need Liturgical Dance!" I think that goes without saying and I'll get right on it. So thank you, Team, for your help. Well done.

Rumors that Jay Z is some kind of Illuminati shill puppet for the NWO are just that, rumors.

God bless,

LSP

Ancient Aliens, the Smoking Gun?

The holy grail of ancient alien theorists may have been found, in the Church of England's General Synod!

Photographs show what appear to be ancient aliens hiding in plain sight, in the CofE's most revered governing body, the General Synod. 

The off-world Synodians look similar to men and women, though some speculate that the mysterious creatures may be genderless and have moved beyond "male" and "female" thanks to advanced technology.

Ancient alien theorists believe that the earth was visited by aliens many thousands of years ago, and may one day return.

Is the wait over?

LSP

Farmer's Doorstop Turns Out to be Church of England Bishop!

In 2002 a Norfolk farmer was plowing his field in East Rudham, when he discovered a bent Church of England bishop in the soil. The farmer took the bent bishop back to his farmhouse, where he used the object as a doorstop for 12 years, until a friend suggested he had it checked, by experts.

Ecclesiastical experts identified the the bishop as a "ceremonial dirk," which had been bent prior to burial.

The farmer agreed to sell the bent old bishop to Norwich museum for the film rights to Love Free or Die, the former Bishop of New Hampshire's blockbuster movie.

The Rt. Rev. Gene Robinson is reportedly being used as a doorstop at the Center for American Progress, in Washington DC.

The identity of the bishop discovered in Norfolk is currently unknown.

LSP

God of Surprises

It's not every day that the numbers-thin Church of England is rescued by a stray cat on the icy streets of a provincial Russian town. So here's a helpful prayer, to mark the event:

God of Surprises, 

you call us

from the narrowness of our traditions

to new ways of being church

from the captivities of our culture to

creative witness for justice

form the smallness of our horizons

to the bigness of your vision.

Beautiful, isn't it, and while we're at it, why not join together in song? Here's one, from Worship and Rituals in a Feminist Key. It's called "You're a Lot Like Me."

(Chorus)

In the very middle - In the very middle - You're a lot like me

A shining rainbow personality

The clothes and the skin -- are just the car you're in

In the very middle you're a lot like me.

(Verse)

Some got castles - Some got shacks - Some got backpacks on their backs

Many different ways to dance and sing

But the most important thing is :

(Chorus)

In the very middle...

How very uplifting.

LSP

                                                                                  

Church of England Saved by Stray Cat

The diminutive Church of England, which has been steadily shrinking for decades, may have been saved, by a stray cat.

The tiny church was found by Masha the cat, where it had been abandoned on the snowy streets of Obninsk, in a small box.

"When I heard her meowing, I thought that perhaps she had injured herself," said local resident Irina Lavrova, "You can imagine my shock when I found her lying in a box next to the Church of England."

Others aren't so sure, believing that the abandoned church may have been US Foreign Policy, or even a baby.

Church of England, Foreign Policy or baby, well done Masha!

LSP

The Dumbest Speech Ever

President Obama addressed the nation yesterday in what some pundits are calling the dumbest State of the Union address ever, tailored to the intellect of an average 14 year old.

Others feel that Obama's an empty fraud, going through a contrived act that fails to hide the hollow sham of his presidency. Nick Gillespie, writing for Time, nails it:

"Arguably the most frustrating thing about Obama’s presidency is that he himself often barely seems to be inhabiting it. He reads about things in the newspapers, just like the rest of us, only playing commander in chief when it suits his fancy. That’s no way to run a country, especially one in which your position is weaker than it was just last year."

But Barack Hussein Obama doesn't care, he's only got two more years to shill and then he can retire, limolib elite rich, on the proceeds of the dumbest speeches ever.

Nice work if you can find it,

LSP

United Kingdom of Gayness

The news is coming in fast and furious from the Sceptered Isle and it's pretty gay. 

No sooner had Stephen Fry tied the rainbow knot with Elliott Spencer, than Edinburgh played host to the world's first ever pagan gay wedding.

Tom Lanting and Iain Robertson, who describe themselves as "hedge witches," were married in a wedding ceremony in an Edinburgh cellar this weekend.

According to the BBC, the gay pagan marriage ritual included "jumping the broom" and "handfasting," as well as drinking a bottle of mead. 

A well known paranormal expert in the U.K. commented, "There's one religion which has always said it has no problem with same-sex marriage. Satanism."

Vicious rumors that Stephen Fry is in a relationship with a 27 year old boy are entirely true.

Mind how you go,

LSP

Monday Shoot

Monday being Martin Luther King and General Lee Day, I figured it was a good idea to shoot some guns. So I went to the range with GWB, who wanted to practice with his new Sig and check out a Christmas gift of a spotting scope.

So we blasted away, which was a lot of fun, then went for an armed excursion in some nearby woods. That was good too, although hoped for squirrels didn't materialize, despite the great stealth and calling expertise of the hunters.

Then, right at dusk, the air was filled with wild howling. It was an eerie, untamed sound and it taught me something, Viz. If you want to call coyotes, set up near the woods by the range. 

Shoot straight,

LSP

Bobcat Hunt

I went out last night in search of bobcats with my philisophical friend, GWB. Two had been shot last week in the dry creek of a parishioner's ranch and that's where we went.

As always, it was good to get out under the stars in the clear country air and the possibility of getting a varmint didn't hurt either. So we called and spotlit and called again, trying out several setups, but the cats weren't having it, not were the coyotes.

But the skunks were, and seemed content to amble across the line of fire towards their various destinations. Too bad we weren't skunk hunting.

Speaking of which, a skunk once barricaded itself in the downstairs bathroom of the Compound. For a couple of days. 

I advise against duplicating that experiment.

Cheers,

LSP

Mad Peacock

After the first Mass of the day we all gathered in the parish hall for "coffee hour," and the talk was mostly about bobcats and goats. Then we were interrupted by an unearthly noise.

It sounded like some kind of alien being, high and crazy, but it was just a mad peacock. Up in a tree.

I'll be going out on a bobcat hunt later this evening.

Keep living the dream,

LSP

Tom Wolfe, Literary Genius or Southern Fop?

I like reading Tom Wolfe's books, and what's not to like? He can write with a laser-like accuracy that's as enjoyable as it's at times disturbing, which leads some to rate him as a latter-day American Dickens or Dostoyevsky.

I'm sure Wolfe would modestly dispute such claims and with that in mind, I once asked a woman of the South if she liked the famous author.

"Mr. Wolfe," she exclaimed, "is a Southern Fop."

She may well have had a point. Here's Tom Wolfe on Hunter Thompson, who he thinks may have been the "great comic writer of the 20th century."

From Bauhaus to Our House,

LSP

I Was Hungry

I took some time off from the tireless campaign against Harvard's lesser, limolib, comsoc ally, Duke, to visit our food bank. 

The food bank feeds a lot of needy people in  our town and it used to provide some help with utility bills. That's stopped now, for the present, and food's the focus.

I used to volunteer there on a pretty regular basis but I've been slack for the last couple of years and that's going to change. After all, there's that bit in Scripture about "I was hungry and you fed me," and we ignore that at our peril.

Does that make me some sort of comsymp leftist shill for the New World Order? On the contrary, it's about charity with accountability at the local level. Let's have more of that and less Leviathan in DC, please.

The Boss of this concern is a good friend, who excitedly told me that someone "from Bynum" had shot a bobcat on his land the other day. Our conversation went like this:

"How big was it?" 

"About as big as a tailgate!"

"Whoa..."

"They used a rabbit distress call, up comes the bobcat, they shot it, then they left!"

"Hunh."

"Well, you come on out and have at it!"

"I sure will!"

And I will. You never know, I might shoot something.

My friend is a very good man and we used to shoot pistols against round bales, which was a lot of fun. He can't do that now, but I understand he still takes the odd shot from a 410 (purchased, ahem, for his wife) now and again. 

God bless,

LSP