The Horror

At last, it's happened. The Church of England has finally consecrated it's first ever Boy Bishop. Libby Lane, a 48 year old clergyperson from Manchester, has finally been made Bishop of Stockport.

Ole Rascal

The Archbishop of York, John Sentamu, was delighted at Lane's promotion to being a top decision-maker in the Church of England.

Libby

"It is high time we had women bishops," stated Sentamu, who is known as Ole Rascal, "I have been praying and working for this day. In a few years' time when more and more women will be bishops, I predict we shall be wondering how we ever managed without them."

Lane

One person objected to Lane's consecration, saying that it "was not in the Bible." 

The Church of England is setting up a "talent pool" to reverse its alarming decrease in attendance. 

Good luck,

LSP

God of Surprises

It's not every day that the numbers-thin Church of England is rescued by a stray cat on the icy streets of a provincial Russian town. So here's a helpful prayer, to mark the event:

God of Surprises, 

you call us

from the narrowness of our traditions

to new ways of being church

from the captivities of our culture to

creative witness for justice

form the smallness of our horizons

to the bigness of your vision.

Beautiful, isn't it, and while we're at it, why not join together in song? Here's one, from Worship and Rituals in a Feminist Key. It's called "You're a Lot Like Me."

(Chorus)

In the very middle - In the very middle - You're a lot like me

A shining rainbow personality

The clothes and the skin -- are just the car you're in

In the very middle you're a lot like me.

(Verse)

Some got castles - Some got shacks - Some got backpacks on their backs

Many different ways to dance and sing

But the most important thing is :

(Chorus)

In the very middle...

How very uplifting.

LSP

                                                                                  

The Curse of the Diocese of Gloucester

In today's fast-paced, equal opportunities church, there's nothing that breathes the sweet smell of success to a career clergyperson than being promoted to bishop. Well, unless you're unfortunate enough to become the Bishop of Gloucester.

Puritans Rigging up a Curse

That's because the ancient See of Gloucester has been under a curse since Laud, as Dean, dared to set up altar rails, provoking Puritan fury. 

The curse of Gloucester has apparently been active in recent decades. 

Bishop Michael Perham, a noted progleft shill and enthusiastic supporter of women's ordination retired from the troubled diocese after allegations of "indecent assault" against several young women in the 1980s. However, the case against him was dropped after police found no grounds for further action.

Perham's predecessor, Bishop Peter Ball, also had to leave the cursed See in 1993, after admitting to an act of "gross indecency" with a 19 year man. Ball was arrested this November over allegations of sex abuse with 8 boys during the 1980s and early '90s.

So we have to ask, what fortunate member of the Church of England's Talent Pool will get promoted to the poisoned See?

The bets are on.

LSP

Church of England Talent Pool, Caught on Camera?

The Church of England's elusive Talent Pool may have been caught on camera, running through Victorian sewers beneath Merseyside.

Filmed by engineers, the mysterious creature has long back legs and glowing eyes. Paranormal experts speculate that the pipe prowling Talent Pool has been feeding off fat deposits and waste water. 

Taken by surprise at the unexpected sighting, cameraman Ian Appleton stated, “I physically jumped when I saw the Talent Pool."

Others aren't convinced, claiming that the Talent Pool was just a hoax staged by United Utilities, as part of the water company's What To Flush marketing campaign which uses school visits, advertising and PR stunts to encourage customers to think before they flush.

Is the frightening creature filmed in Liverpool's sewers the CofE's fast-track to promotion, or yet another MBA inspired sales drive to reverse the declining denomination's fortunes?

You, the reader, be the judge.

LSP