Shock Poll, Church of England Loses Members as ISIS Laughs

Shocking new figures show that the numbers thin but buildings rich Church of England lost 1.7 million members between 2012 and 2014. During the same time, the Religion of Peace has gained 900,000 adherents.

Cof E traditionalists argue that the crisis-level decline is due to the small denomination's desperate bid to gain popularity by turning churches into mosques for a day, encouraging transsexual naming ceremonies, making women bishops and "going goddess."

What's gone wrong? Everyone knows that trans advocacy, women bishops and praying to Gaia are big crowd pullers. And turning your church into a mosque is guaranteed to fill those empty pews!

With Muslims.

ISIS laughs.

LSP

Post-Jihad Woodstock

No sooner had peace descended upon the battlefield than a butterfly landed on one of my deadly assault rifles.

The pressure was off, the Jihad defeated, so I shot the creature. No! Not with a gun, with my beat up old camera. It was a kind of Joni Mitchell moment, I felt.

Devil Witch?

Many people think that Joni Mitchell is  a Devil Witch. She had a hand in Woodstock, which was a large hippie festival.

Hippies Goofing Off in the Mud

As I pondered that, I drove off the range and got stuck in the mud. That was like Woodstock, but without the hippies, or music, or thieving. A friendly farmer pulled me out of the mud with the help of a chain. He's a keen sportsman and enjoys long distance hunting and everything in between.

Thanks, JM, for the mudside assistance.

Hippies, you can use the side door.

LSP

Cell Phone Jihad!

 

I fought the Jihad today. That's right, the Cell Phone Jihad. The primitive savages had taken over the Western Province of my kitchen cabinets and were poised to cut off the compound's food supply. So drastic action had to be taken.

Terrorist forces were comprised of a Motorola i776 flip, a Samsung flip, a Blackberry and my old nemesis, a Samsung Galaxy Rush.

I attacked these barbarians at 50 yards with two AR 15 battle rifles, and you know the saying, the gun is a tool. Would these two rifles be the right tool for the job?

They sure were. The Motorola flip was first down, shot in half by a 62 grain dose of 5.56, travelling at 3,000 feet per second. The Blackberry was easy prey and next to go, with the not-so-smart Rush soon behind. 

The Samsung flip was weirdly sturdy and stayed intact, despite taking two rounds in its annoyingly cheap and flimsy feeling case.

I enjoyed fighting the Jihad so much that I did it all over again. The cell phone terrorists took another beating and went down, for good.

So go ahead and fight the Jihad, just make sure you bring the right tools for the job.

Your buddy,

LSP

Oppressed Minority

This is Bruce Jenner, who is now Caitlyn, because he's a transsexual. This makes him an oppressed minority, which is why he's on the cover of Vanity Fair.

Bruce, sorry, Caitlyn, used to look like this.

Conde Nast obviously stands for necromancy.

Your Old Pal,

LSP

Go Fishing, Fool

In a mad bid to escape the fawning worshipers of Bruce "Caitlyn" Jenner, I drove to Lake Whitney. The Lake's a good 20' high and areas that are usually used for recreation are flooded. I checked some of those out, to see if there was a fishing opportunity.

Sure enough there was, with catfish readily visible in the shallow water, feeding off worms and bugs. Recce over, I went back to the truck, got a rod, and tried to catch a few fish.

Many different lures later, I was empty-handed, though I saw lots of fish and reckon that the right bait would've produced a good result. Maybe I'll try casting with worms and using chicken liver on a couple of stationary rods.

But whatever, it was good to get out on the bank and cast away. I find it peaceful and recollecting as well as exciting. What if the next cast gets a big strike! I always think. Well, we live and hope.

Fish on,

LSP

Holy Trinity

Yesterday was Trinity Sunday and I celebrated the Feast by grilling burgers. The meat came from a deer that a friend had shot, and right tasty it was too.

I like to think that my exposition of the Trinitarian mystery is faithful to Augustine and Aquinas, but I won't pretend any theological expertise. If you want something brainy on the subject, see here. In the meanwhile, I'll leave you with the Collect, and not the rubbish "contemporary" language one, either.

ALMIGHTY and everlasting God, who hast given unto us thy servants grace, by the confession of a true faith, to acknowledge the glory of the eternal Trinity, and in the power of thy Divine Majesty to worship the Unity: We beseech thee, that thou wouldst keep us steadfast in this faith, and evermore defend us from all adversities, who livest and reignest, one God, world without end. Amen.

God bless,

LSP

When the Levee Breaks, Again

This is Dallas yesterday, before today's rain. The City is warning some residents that evacuation may be necessary if the river rises much higher.

I'd think twice before living beneath the levee.

Take care,

LSP

Biker Mo-Draw, CIA Mo-Train

I guess everyone's waiting to see what the result of the Biker Mo-Draw contest will be. Will the followers of the Religion of Peace kill the cartoonists, and the bikers? Will there be yet another biker shoot-out, as Outlaw MCs and Jihadists duke it out in Phoenix? 

Who knows, that's unclear, but what we do know is that the CIA has been training peaceful moderate Muslims who then join ISIS. That's it, ISIS, the same ISIS that we seem strangely reluctant to fight or even bomb.

Here's one, the former head of the Tajik OMON, Gulmurod Khalimov, trained by America and now in Syria with his ISIS friends. This is what he has to say about his patron, the United States:

“Listen, you American pigs, I’ve been three times to America, and I saw how you train fighters to kill Muslims. God willing, I will come with this weapon to your cities, your homes, and we will kill you.”

I'd like to see him try, in Texas. In the meanwhile, you decide if we have an effective strategy against the ISIS savages, and may the best man or woman win the Phoenix Mo-Draw.

Cheers,

LSP

The Church of England Gets Even Gayer?

Is the Church of England about to get even gayer? A new proposal, asking the church's General Synod to create a special ceremony to celebrate a person's sex-change, says that it might.

The new transsexual naming ritual was given a trial run, when Rev. Chris Newlands, Vicar of Lancaster Priory, was asked by a transsexual if he could be re-baptized. According to the Guardian, Newlands told the person, “I said: ‘Let me have a think about it’. So we did and then we created a service, which was an affirmation of baptismal vows where we could introduce him to God with his new name and his new identity."

Hybrids

New identity as what? A woman/man hybrid, created by chemicals and surgery? This state of being, we're told by Joe Biden and others, is the "greatest civil rights issue of our time." Obviously the world and the dwindling Church of England can't wait to address it soon enough. 

Where's the Transsexual?

In the meanwhile, Christians believe that God created us male and female. Go right ahead and believe something else, but don't call it Christian and don't expect that very many people will be fooled if you do.

Your Old Pal,

LSP

Taking Care of Business

I had to go to Dallas to take care of business, which meant visiting the County Clerk. I'd forgotten what Government was like, and I won't comment.

I also wanted to see if the Levees were holding. They seemed to be, though that might change if it rains much more, and such is the War on Weather. Who knows, maybe we'll put a couple of warships on the Trinity river as an extra tier of protection against our new national threat.

In case you're wondering, it's trying to rain, here in the country. We obviously haven't been taxed enough.

Cheers,

LSP

When the Levee Breaks

Maybe it will, maybe it won't. That all depends on our new enemy, the Weather.

Keep to the high ground, weapons hot and ready to go.

LSP

Cooking With LSP, Poppers. Jihad Version

"You can't cook with LSP!" you exclaim indignantly, "That's as dangerous as it is absurd." Not so fast, my friend. You can, and here's how.

Buy some Jalapeno peppers, larger ones work better, and cut them in half. Then scoop out the seeds and fill the pepper shells with cream cheese. You can use a Spyderco Perseverance to cut the peppers, but any knife will do. Just make sure it's sharp!

Next, wrap the cream cheese filled peppers in bacon. Go on, use a slice per pepper, then skewer the bacon-wrapped awesomness with a toothpick. Stand back and admire your handiwork, life is good.

Put the poppers in the oven at 400 and bake, turning half-way through, until the bacon's done, for about 20 minutes or so. then remove those bad boys from the oven and savor the delicious smell of cooking pig that fills your house. Have a beer, maybe a glass of wine, you've earned it.

After you've let the poppers rest a bit, say grace, and eat them, like Charles Martel. 

And that's cooking, with...

LSP