Sunday Joy

Here at the Compound we hope you enjoy this "Letter to our subscribers, from the New York Times" as much as we do. Via Chadwick Moore at the Spectator:

Dear Valued Subscriber,

For a mere $39.99 a month, about what you pay your Guatemalan nanny, you depend on us for thought-provoking personal reassurance, award-winning arrogance, hard-hitting sycophancy, and up-to-the-minute coverage of Orange Man – who is very, very bad.

The New York Times remains the world’s most prestigious Viewpoint Validation Service because we understand the crippling emptiness permeating the wealthy liberal soul – we are that emptiness – and you entrust us to make you feel good, smart and worthy every day.

While News and Opinion whisper watered-down postgrad nothings in your ear, Style and Dining guarantee you’ll be validated on the outside, as well as inside. Style and Dining remain committed to informing you on exactly what Brooklyn thought was cool three years ago. While the city that is our namesake – and the place you’ve built your entire identity around – might be a dead, stale cultural wasteland that no one cares about anymore, our Travel section reminds you that you’re a global citizen. Times subscribers don’t have homes, they have bases.

But even the pre-eminent VVS is vulnerable to mistakes.

As some of you are aware, we failed in our commitment to ferociously guard the sanctity of your echo chamber this week. A headline appeared on our front page suggesting Orange Man spoke against racism. While the headline was factual, it was a flagrant betrayal of the service you expect us to provide and we literally stopped the presses to fix it.

We listened to our readers on how to proceed from there. The headline writer was an elderly holdover from the days when we were a newspaper. But today’s lovepaper business is different. Inspired by the Texas revolutionary Joaquin Castro, our editorial board decided to take out a full page ad in our own paper to publish his home address and pictures of his family. Then we mobilized our 52,247 interns to brigade his employer, us, with phone calls to report that we have a racist in our ranks. The writer was immediately fired. Our interns, known as TimesHelpers, chucked milkshakes at him as he sadly strolled through the lobby with his little NPR tote bag full of desktop knick knacks. Just as he reached the door we unchained Sarah Jeong and watched gleefully as she dismembered and ate him alive.

Our customers’ pomposity and fragility are important to us. We don’t use words like ‘neurotic’ and ‘repellant’ to describe our readers the way shopkeepers, waiters, and dry-cleaners might. We think your quirkiness is the natural byproduct of the cosmopolitan, emotionally lavish life that you lead.

We know if we aren’t delivering our best, every hour of every day, somewhere a Yale grad might lose an argument if she can’t reference our content as the final authority. The Times subscriber understands that reading about something makes you a better person than doing something. You depend on us to be informed daily about the wretched lives of blacks and immigrants as a fair tradeoff for keeping them out of your own communities and schools.

Point of privilege, when tens of thousands of you threatened to cancel your subscription this week, we had a chuckle. You were never going to leave. Our authority is the only thing that gives you authority. And, besides, where else would you go, the Washington Post? That lovepaper is named after a slave owner. And it’s not like you’re going to subscribe to the Wall Street Nazi.

But we still listened to your grievances. Because of your diverse needs, on Monday we will launch the most intimate Viewpoint Validation Service on earth with TimesPersonal. Our new premium service will give platinum members the option to select how they’d like to see a story reported before they read it. Platinum members will be able to pick from options like, ‘Skip to the white nationalism,’ ‘What’s the real estate value,’ and ‘Trump’s fault.’ TimesPersonal comes with our new TimesTrauma feature that algorithmically eliminates potentially triggering content from your personal edition of the Times. Going forward, subscribers can log-in to our TimesRapeWhistle portal to flag content they feel may have been published without consent from the greater Times community.

We know that from the first day you picked up our product, you’ve seen us as not just a newspaper but a social status accelerant. We will never forget our commitment to selling our subscribers more than just words, but personal brand and identity. In these dark and divided times, where 63 million white supremacists use the internet to ridicule their moral superiors with things called ‘memes,’ we have an even more important calling: to protect your truth.

Sincerely,

Dean Baquet

Minister of Feels, The New York Times Viewpoint Validation Service

he/him

******

Rather good, eh?

LSP

Musical Interlude

Calm down everyone and kick back, trust the plan.

KAG,

LSP

Epstein's Dead

Millionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein's dead.

The camera that was supposed to be watching him malfunctioned?

How very convenient.

To put it another way, don't mess with the Clintons.

But has Epstein's case, in which the rich and powerful are implicated in sex orgies with underage girls, gone away?

Good question,

LSP

White Supremacy!

I was, like, sleeping, when I heard this noise under my bed. OMG. A White Supremacist! Then I looked out the window and there's this phalanx of white supremacists with all these tikki torches and skinheads and Seig Heil!

Better get the awesome power of the state to deal with all these Nazis, especially if you're the risible and failing New York Times which went editorial with this:

The resources of the American government and its international allies would mobilize without delay. The awesome power of the state would work tirelessly to deny future terrorists access to weaponry, money and forums to spread their ideology. The movement would be infiltrated by spies and informants. Its financiers would face sanctions. Places of congregation would be surveilled. Those who gave aid or comfort to terrorists would be prosecuted.

Yeah, terrorists, ie anyone who isn't a comsymp leftist shill of the NWO. Think a country should have a border? White Supremacist. Don't vote Democrat? White Supremacist. Clean up trash in Baltimore? White Supremacist. Two biological genders? White Supremacist.

And on. Are these risible socialist morons tragic victims of dropped-on-head-as-infant syndrome? To find out we asked Eva. She replied, quick as a whip:

"Yes."

Eva's got a point. There is no White Supremacist movement here in the US outside of jail. At what point will this pathetic, divisive, laughable, fake news, nonsensical, racist, mythical, lying, vote grabbing, hysterical, utter rubbish come to an end?

We're waiting, ARs loaded.

KAG,

LSP 

English Cathedrals Go Full Clown Big Top

You're probably tired of Furries, the awesome Eva Peron who is not like Stormy Daniels btw, Cossacks, random cooking tips and great art, so let's shift gear. That's right, move it on up to higher things, like the way Church of England cathedrals are going full clown big top.

No kidding, Rochester cathedral's installed a 9 hole crazy golf course in the nave and Norwich cathedral's put a giant Helter-Skelter fairground ride in its "worship space." Why? Mission, of course.

Crazy Golf often involves bridges, you have to putt your ball across all these little bridges, you see, and Rochester cathedral's canon figure Rachel Phillips gets to the heart of it:

So while people are here, having fun and playing crazy golf, they will take the opportunity to reflect on that wider theme of building bridges that they might find that they would like to pray, light a candle. Maybe talk to somebody.

Quite. About what? 

Some think this latest foray into, ahem, mission, crosses the line into blasphemy. I'd agree and suggest that yet again we're confronted by people pretending to be something they don't believe in anyway.

By the way, I have it on good authority that downtown Norwich on a Saturday's like "Hell with the lid off."

Well done, CoE,

LSP

Beto's A Furry

OK, so you've got three enormous screws in your hip, whaddya do? Hop, literally, into the rig and drive to Dallas. Gotta change it up. The next day, mission accomplished, swing by 7/11 for early morning coffee and donuts. Take pics of the neighborhood while you're at it, such is the marvel of modern technology.

And why not, the old place looks pretty good. Well done Ma LSP for getting a house here back when you could afford them without being some kind of big tech, MillSoc mountebank. 

That in mind, a few months back all these $500k+ bungalows were awash with Beto signs. Remember him, Beto? Confused? Me too, so I reached out to a member of the community for clarification. What is this "Beto?"

"Beto? He's a washed-out has-been that never really was. Like an imaginary faux Mexican sandwich that somebody forgot to make. I was looking forward to Wonderbread but all I got was this ersatz Irish stew faked up as charro beans with hot sauce. And he's a Furry."

Whoa, a Furry?!? What's a Furry? The internet says this:

A furry is a fictional (make-believe) animal character who has human traits, like walking on two legs or talking. People who like this art are also called furries, and together they make up the furry fandom. Another word for furry is anthropomorphic, which means "people-like."

Beto failed to seize control of Texas because no one wanted to vote for a Furry. Now he's pitching at the Presidency. Will his bizarre blend of faux mex meets faux fur meets MillSoc Irish rich boy make it at the polls?

You decide,

LSP

Come Back Weather Underground All Is Forgiven

The national convention of the Democratic Socialists of America 🤷‍♂️ pic.twitter.com/ozsqlkJG8Y

— Amir Sariaslan (@AmirSariaslan) August 4, 2019

Have you been following the Democratic Socialists of America? Come back, Weather Underground, all is forgiven. In the meanwhile there's Beto. He wants to be President of the most powerful country in the world, ever. But he's a furry.

More on this later.

Bombs in the cellar,

LSP

Cossacks!

Watch this inspirational video and ask yourselves why our MillSoc, rainbow riding, globalist overlords don't like Russia. The same country that got away from under the talons of the Beast and's building 1000+ churches a year. Hope for us all?

Speaking of which, some think the Ukraine was supposed to be the start of a "color revolution" that'd overthrow Putin and install an  Illuminati LGTBQTI++ regime in the Kremlin. Hillary had nothing whatsoever to do with that, obviously.

God bless,

LSP

Inspirational Sundays

Well, well, well. Who's to blame for not one but two mass shootings right on the heels of the epic fiasco of the DNC debates? An old pal from the Rustbelt, aka Detroit, supplied the answer. It's the President's fault for "openly fomenting hatred of Latinos."

Flummoxed, I went right to the source, Eva Peron, "Did 45's brazen, literal racism towards people of color, towards mujeristas from the countries of Latin and South America, cause the tragedies of El Paso and Ohio?"

Eva replied with typical heart-winning candour.

Do not be ridiculous. These were crazies, freaks, a mental health issue. One, a deranged socialist and Devil worshiper who loved the so-called "Fauxchahontas," the other? An eco-nut. Deranged.

And why blame guns? Are they more deadly than in 1947? Why so many shootings now as opposed to then?  Is it the gun's fault? No, it is the person, the people, society. This has become sick."

Chastened, I returned to the City of God and pondered the devolution of the West. It's a strange and abhorrent thing to watch the collapse of an entire civilization unfold before your very eyes.

LSP

Cooking With LSP

Ah well, it's down to this, yet another implausible "cooking" episode with LSP. So what's the score, you gonna shoot the sauce with the Glock? 

Not so fast, epicures, the pistol's optional. You can make macaroni cheese with a CZ, a Sig, a mighty wheel gun or nothing at all. Go ahead, be defenseless in the face of the culinary threat, your call, there's no rule.

Now that we've cleared the #2A air let's get down to business. Melt 4 tbls of butter in some kind of pot, use Le Crueset if you want to ape the ways of our transnational, Illuminati elite overlords. Next up, whisk 4 tbls of flour into the melted butter. Easy as bleachbitting your hard drives with FBI help. Whisk it about on medium heat for a minute or two then add 3 cups of whole milk.

Use Shells

Stir it around for a while 'til it starts to thicken; don't worry, it will. Then grate a rectangle of cheese into the sauce and stir that, more milk if needed. Sauce in hand, add salt and pepper, some dry English mustard, Worcestershire sauce and Cayenne pepper. Who likes a bland dish, right?

In the meanwhile you've boiled up some water and pasta shells are merrily cooking away. By the way, use shells, readers,  they're better than the globalist, macaroni alternative. Add the happy natpop shells to the sauce, stir, grate some cheese, crack some pepper over the thing and...

A Typical Glass of Wine

Sling it all in the oven at 375/400 before kicking back for a glass or two of the right stuff. Hey, you've earned a break so take it. R&R over, pull the dish out of the oven and let it rest, it should be sizzling and golden brown to boot.

One I Took Earlier, Note Heavy Metal

And there it is, a delicious unity of cheese and pasta. Well done, mission accomplished. With that in mind, behold the dish and fall upon your scoff like...

Grounded

A warrior. 

#KAG

LSP

Art's Not Dead

Art is dead? Hardly.

Your friend,

LSP

Behold Your MillSoc Rulers!

Everyone knows that the billionaire leftists that run Google invited their rich-beyond-your-wildest-dreams friends to Sicily to get it together and talk climate change.

Prince "Barefoot" Harry, Obama, superstar pop genius diva Katy Perry, Leonardo "Bear" Di Caprio, you name it. All flew to the sunny Med in their private jets and yachts to talk about how you, the proles, can stop polluting the environment.

Easy solution. You aren't allowed to travel because guess what? Your wages'll be so low because of immigrant labor and asset stripping that you won't be able to afford a flight, much less a yacht. Like, how dare you pollute the planet, serf?

In the meanwhile, our Millionaire Socialist overlords cavort and play, unless they're Epstein. He's in jail without bail, let's pray this encouraging trend continues.

Lock them up,

LSP