Abductee Says Do Not Contact Evil Aliens

Alien abductee Daryl Sims has issued a dire warning to humanity in an explosive online interview, do not contact aliens because they are malevolent and evil con artists: 

"When people have a positive contact experience, that means you have accepted the program. Some people have died as a result of attempting alien contact while others have been injured. 

  They Come to Help!

"You will experience a feeling of awe and that the aliens are here to help the planet and all these wonderful things – none of which they have ever done."

Sims continued, stating that abductees have been kidnapped by space aliens and regret the experience, they "don't like what happens":

Off-World

"On the other hand, there is another group called alien abductees, who feel they have been kidnapped or taken without their will. These people often remember parts of the event, sometimes all of it and they don’t like what happens."

 A Typical Grey

Spokespersons for the Episcopal Church, Anglican Church of Canada, the Church of England and Pope Francis declined to comment.

Here at the Compound we urge extreme caution when interacting with extraterrestrials.

Ad Astra,

LSP

Alien, Rock, ACoC Bishop?

ACoC Bishop?

A concerned and worried Anonymous has just sent this in:

"so today i was cleaning up my yard where my old pourch use to be, and i saw this wierd looking roke half barried so i picked it up and brushed it off and i realized it want a rock its a fossle. 

Terrifying Space Creature

"it scared the living shit out of me. it looked like that little alien guy off of men in black. but anyways i decided to do some reasearch on google looking though pics and from the discription they look freakishly alike.... i want to go and get this checked out but i dont know where? i live in montana..."

We run this Church

Has Anonymous found a fossilized space creature? An old rock? Or just some run-of-the-mill Canadian Bishop?

Mad Grey

Team LSP awaits the photos.

Archbishop of Toronto?!?

In the meanwhile, shoot straight, if you can find any ammo.

Cheers,

LSP

Church of England Ruled By Grey Alien?

For the world's third largest Christian denomination, Anglicanism, there's a new boss in town, Archbishop Justin Welby.

Justin Welby

After months of gridlock, the secretive group known as the Crown Nominations Commission, have finally settled on a replacement for the outgoing Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams. Bypassing several senior candidates, such as "Ebor" Sentamu, Archbishop of York, the Commission settled on rising star Justin Welby, Bishop of Durham.

An old Etonian and oil executive, Welby felt the call to ordained ministry in the 1980s and was ordained in 1993. He soon shot up through the ranks, becoming Dean of Liverpool in 2007 before surging through the stained glass window to become Bishop of Durham in 2011. It would only take a year before his meteoric rise to power culminated in this month's appointment to Anglicanism's top job. 

Overlord

Mainstream Media attributes Welby's uncanny ability for promotion to raw ambition, a gilded background and natural diplomatic talent to "spin fudge." According to the New York Times, the new Archbishop of Canterbury has shown himself capable of being both against gay marriage and also for it, making him uniquely suited to lead the Church of England.

A Grey?

However, Ancient Astronaut theorists are unconvinced, believing that Welby's stellar climb to become the most important Anglican in the world can only be explained by extraterrestrial agency. "We don't have the technology," said one pundit, "to take a clergyperson from Durham to Canterbury in the space of a year. It's impossible! Only advanced alien technology could pull it off."

Behold your Master

Justin Welby, Archbishop of Canterbury. Top level ecclesiastical OE, or Grey Alien spacelord puppet.

You be the judge.

LSP