JUICY!

 

We all know what happened. Super famous celebrity Empire talent Juicy Smollet was attacked in Chicago outside a Subway, where zhe was getting a sammich. 

Yes, at 2 am, in -20* weather, Juicy was savaged by two men in ski masks who put a noose on the world famous screen idol, poured bleach on zhim, hurled racial slurs and shouted, horrifically, "This is MAGA country!" before running off into the freezing night.

Guilty, M'Lud

What an horrendous hate crime! Except that it wasn't. Leaving aside curious anomalies like bleach freezing at -20, Juicy's story began to unravel when it was revealed that zhir attackers were, in fact, two Nigerian brothers who were Empire extras and physical trainers. Smollett paid them $3,500, by check, idiotically.

Jericho Green gives magisterial commentary on Juicy's faux hate crime here, here, and here, check it out. In the meanwhile, the hapless victim of his own risible screenplay's been found guilty by a Chicago court and has to serve 30 months felony probation, 150 days in gaol and pay a $120k fine.

#MillSoc Fraud

Here at the Compound, Blue snarled, "I think that lying thespian fraud got off real light." I looked at the aged cow dog, curled up on a Moslem rug with his absurdly spotted tail and replied, "Quite."

As of 2022 Juicy's net worth was an estimated #MillSoc $1.5 million. So utterly oppressed. 

Cheers,

LSP

***

UPDATE JUICY SAYS NOT SUICIDAL

If I did this, then it means I stuck my fist in the fears of black Americans in this country for over 400 years and the fears of the LGBTQ community. Your honor, I respect you and I respect the jury, but I did not do this, and I am not suicidal. And if anything happens to me when I go in there, I did not do it to myself, and you must all know that. I respect you, your honor. I respect your decision. Jail time [pause]. I am not suicidal.

 

What?!? Why would this rich, successful, protected class thesp be driven to suicide? Did Juicy somehow annoy somebody? Magnum mysterium. 

Basta

Have you heard the news? Quondam presidential hopeful Michael Avenatti, popularly known as Creepy Porn Lawyer (CPL), has been found guilty on all counts of attempting to extort money from Nike. He awaits sentencing.

Race Cars! No coke obvs

Avenatti, signature sign-off Basta, who obviously isn't a coke addict, represented famous prostitute Stormy Daniels in a case against Trump, which ended badly with Stormy being ordered to pay 45's legal costs. But the once and not so future president started to sink under the sheer weight of hubris and totally fictional cocaine bills.

Prostitute. Clearly no coke

Before you could say "8 Ball," CPL was hauled before the court for fraud, extortion, skulduggery and malfeasance. Nike, it seems, didn't take kindly to the wannabe race car driver's cokehead's attempt at blackmail, and his former wife's not too keen either. 

No Coke Involved Whatsoever

But look, here at the Compound we don't sit and gloat. No, we hope that a coke free CPL has learned his lesson and will rise from the ashes to use his skills to help us all in the not inconsiderable task of making America great again.

A Man in Full without any coke whatsoever

I know, you're saying, "Is this a chapter in a Tom Wolfe novel,  like Bonfire of the Vanities or A Man in Full?!?" What can we say? Cinéma vérité.

Basta,

LSP