We all know what happened. Super famous celebrity Empire talent Juicy Smollet was attacked in Chicago outside a Subway, where zhe was getting a sammich.
Yes, at 2 am, in -20* weather, Juicy was savaged by two men in ski masks who put a noose on the world famous screen idol, poured bleach on zhim, hurled racial slurs and shouted, horrifically, "This is MAGA country!" before running off into the freezing night.
What an horrendous hate crime! Except that it wasn't. Leaving aside curious anomalies like bleach freezing at -20, Juicy's story began to unravel when it was revealed that zhir attackers were, in fact, two Nigerian brothers who were Empire extras and physical trainers. Smollett paid them $3,500, by check, idiotically.
Jericho Green gives magisterial commentary on Juicy's faux hate crime here, here, and here, check it out. In the meanwhile, the hapless victim of his own risible screenplay's been found guilty by a Chicago court and has to serve 30 months felony probation, 150 days in gaol and pay a $120k fine.
Here at the Compound, Blue snarled, "I think that lying thespian fraud got off real light." I looked at the aged cow dog, curled up on a Moslem rug with his absurdly spotted tail and replied, "Quite."
As of 2022 Juicy's net worth was an estimated #MillSoc $1.5 million. So utterly oppressed.
Cheers,
LSP
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UPDATE JUICY SAYS NOT SUICIDAL
If I did this, then it means I stuck my fist in the fears of black Americans in this country for over 400 years and the fears of the LGBTQ community. Your honor, I respect you and I respect the jury, but I did not do this, and I am not suicidal. And if anything happens to me when I go in there, I did not do it to myself, and you must all know that. I respect you, your honor. I respect your decision. Jail time [pause]. I am not suicidal.
What?!? Why would this rich, successful, protected class thesp be driven to suicide? Did Juicy somehow annoy somebody? Magnum mysterium.
8 comments:
Well, at least he was calm and rational at his sentencing.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PX32m0rBebA
Justice, however diluted, was served. Any bets he will actually do the entire jail time? And at what facility?
Jesse at home one week before and half lit - I think it would be good for my failing career if I stage an attack on myself. I could pay the brothers to attack me and scream Maga in some form. If I do that I'll be a Hero! Let's see, acting roles will come my way, my salary will increase, I'll become a household name and all my gay n black friends will benefit. Win, Win, Win! Let's do it.
A couple of months later he still doesn't understand why he's in trouble, nobody wants him around and he's a household name but with laughter. How could it all go so wrong? Why? How dare they question his honesty? Don't they know he a television star? He will go to his grave still believing he's 'done been wronged'.
Oh I know, Wild.
Bizarre. Who put Juicy up to it?
Now those are very good questions, WSF. Perhaps part of the secret "plea deal"?
But lass, could it be that Juicy's got another source of funding besides the rubbish Empire? Just a thought.
Poor Juicy. To be born in a time when the demand for racism far exceeds the supply. Now that is oppression!
Yes, Infidel. It is VERY unfair.
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