Babylon Bee Satan

 

Is it just me or is the Bee taking over where SNL dismally let off? Here's Satan telling Democrats to tone down the evil:

And there you have it,

LSP

Domestic Extremists All Helpfully Label Themselves For FBI

 

Via The Bee:

U.S. — Law enforcement officials with the Federal Bureau of Investigation were overjoyed this morning to discover the nation's most dangerous domestic extremists had helpfully labeled themselves with a strange black "X" on their foreheads.

"Wow. This makes our job so much easier," said FBI Domestic Extremism Investigator Chet O'Grady. "This morning our field offices across the country reported they had observed hundreds of people arriving at various suspected extremist locations, where some strange guy wearing robes marked them with ashes on their foreheads. Now we have thousands more suspects to monitor this year. Jackpot!"

The bizarrely marked potential insurgents will be monitored for terrorist activity, such as attending school board meetings and praying outside abortion clinics. "These sickos are capable of anything," said O'Grady. "America can rest assured that we will be watching them very closely."

At publishing time, the FBI had nabbed several suspected terrorists at a local church basement fish fry.

What can we say, those dangerous domestic terrorists get everywhere. The Vatican is working in full cooperation with the ongoing investigation.

Thanks for the tip, Swankenstein.

Your Friend,

LSP

Epileptic Fit Pride

 

I'll just leave this right here.

Your Old Pal,

LSP

How Very Gay

 

Via the Bee:

 

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Take that, DeSantis! In a powerful statement against the "Don't Say Gay" bill, The Episcopal Church in Florida has released a new version of their hymnal in which every song title and lyric is replaced by the word "gay." 

"We condemn DeSantis's bigoted attempt to prevent the sexual indoctrination of small children," said Episcopal Bishop Caiya Diddle. "That's why, starting today, all twelve Episcopals in Florida will sing the word 'gay' over and over and over again every Sunday until this bill is overturned." 

In addition to the song change, preachers will throw out their usual Sunday sermons and just say "gay" over and over again for 30 minutes. They will also replace traditional Sunday School with drag queen story hour so kids can get their fill of kinky classroom instruction they can no longer get in school.

"Here in the Episcopal Church, we loudly and proudly say 'gay,' just like Jesus did," said Diddle. "I look forward to singing my favorite song, "Gay," with my tiny congregation, followed by the old classic "Gay Gay in the Gay."

UPDATE: All members of the congregation have been arrested as part of a sex-trafficking sting.

 

Then there's Chechens,

LSP

You Utter Racists!

 

We must call people racist even harder. What a winning electoral strategy. Via the Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Still reeling from their election losses, Democrats have vowed to adjust their strategy by calling people racist even harder. 

"The real reason we didn't win these elections is because we weren't calling people racist hard enough," said Joy Ann Reid, Democrat activist/journalist. "We called voters racist on the hour, when we really should have been doing it every minute. And we should have been doing it with more anger and passion.

"I really think it was that we didn't try hard enough to look like insane deranged lunatics. We really need to lean into that more." Reid then screamed at the sky to demonstrate what her fellow Democrat activists should have been doing the whole time.

Terry McAuliffe acknowledged his failure to call people racist with enough frequency and fervor. "I tried my hardest to suggest that the people I wanted to vote for me were hopelessly racist and bigoted. I failed at that task. Next time, I'll just wear a T-shirt 24/7 that says 'you are a racist, dummy' so people will get the picture." McAuliffe went on to say that he also thinks not emphasizing his plan to steal children's minds from their parents enough was a missed opportunity.

 At publishing time, the Lincoln Project had vowed to dress more people up as (Tiki) Nazis to really sway the election in their favor.

 

No further comment,

LSP

The Waiter

 

Behold genius, thanks to our man in California,

LSP

GREATEST PRESIDENT EVER

Via Babylon Bee: 

Sources are reporting that Trump has dealt a killer blow in his ongoing war against his sworn enemy, the U.S. Post Office. In a move of sheer, mind-blowing brilliance, Trump directed the Post Office to put his face on every single stamp, forcing the Democrats to reverse course and abolish the institution once and for all. 

The new stamp, dubbed "The Trump-Stamp," to be used on all pieces of mail features a smiling Donald Trump, with the caption "GREATEST PRESIDENT EVER."

Read on, or perhaps you'd like to watch the Democrat Convention. Unlike everyone else.

Speaking of which, have you seen all the people protesting in person that it's not safe to vote in person? What can we say, settled science.

Cheers,

LSP