Saturday, July 22, 2017

Infest-ival, A Guest Post By Jules Smith

Here at the Compound we're delighted to bring you this guest post by Jules Smith, on a three day assignment at a hippy festival, a freak fayre, somewhere in England.

Duty found me knee-deep in the English countryside at a hippy festival. Despite not wanting to catch any germs, I felt it was in the interest of the farming community to find out what’s infecting the crops and destroying the greenbelt. 

I went armed with notebook, pen, camera and a vat of hand sanitiser. And here I am, thankfully still alive but not without the help of aspirin and bottles of home-brewed cider to erase the alarming visuals. 

I’m only one day into this three day event but here’s what I’ve uncovered so far. Brace yourself.

Disco cutie. Wouldn’t you just want to take him home to meet your mama... 

The King. Actually introduced himself this way. I kid you not. He told me he was trying to take over the world and sort out American and English politics. Because naturally, a fruit loop with clothes pegs clipped to his crown is what we’ve all been missing. I don’t know about you, but I’m won over. God. Help. Us.

Bride of Dracula - Trying to eat someone's baby.

Fashion takes itself to a whole new level. Even Primark are slamming their doors. (WTF is he wearing?) Even the guitarist is stumped and he's wearing to sunglasses to shield the intensity. 

Get your frikkin hair cut and take that stupid hat off.

Look! A sheep! Shoot it! (Although in this neck of the woods he might be coming a cropper in another way when a loved-up hippy on magic mushrooms spots a sitting duck or "sheep.") 

Quick! A bear! Shoot it! Don’t pay any attention to the red, military coat on the left. This person has absolutely no comprehension  of “fighting warrior.”

I can do two hula hoops at once but …errr… I can’t brush my hair.

The infested, tantra, hippy love nest. (throws up in mouth)

And looky do. I can carry my drink around in an inflatable unicorn! It’s a five pound deposit in case you don’t bring it back. I keep setting them off down river with puncture wounds. Worth a fiver of anybody's money. 

I want to see how badly they cry when they run out of unicorns and I replace them with MAGA mugs. Heh.




B-Dog said...

This should help to explain why you are seeing what you are seeing

LL said...

LSP, I was enlightened by Jules' post. British hippies are every bit as weird and disgusting as American hippies.

LSP said...

Thanks, B-Dog, helpful infovideo.

LSP said...

I think it's a powerful post, LL. It reminds me of the cult classic, Solstice/Equinox in Austin, which proves your point - hippies are hippies on both sides of the pond. Of course the UK crew have real Stones to visit, instead of Austin's faked up fiberglass version. Whatever.

Jules said...

I'm still here. The plot thickens. I might never run out of whimsy...
I'm now going on bloody errands for two bit, narcissistic musicians riders! Me! Boy, they picked the wrong person for that. I'm wet, cold and sick of hippies.

LL said...

In much the same way as Burning Man attracts the same self-propelled STD spreaders, hippies are essentially human lice. They're parasites who manage to survive on the charity of others (or they sell narcotics). Lately (particularly in England), they've managed to be ordained as Anglican Bishops. You know that won't end well, but it's provided a much higher life for the pederast/free spirits. It's only in Africa that we see a real push-back to the philosophies put forward by Lambeth Palace. How's that for a turn around.

I'm not speaking of the wicked clown, Desmond Tutu.

There are some genuinely godly churchmen in Africa who wish to follow God instead of mammon. You know that doesn't sit well with Archbishop Welby.

Anonymous said...

Standing in a muddy field, on a wet weekend, listening to bands you have never heard of, drinking dodgy booze and being ripped off by clowns - Jules you're living the dream. Next year try Weeting Traction Engine Rally 2018 it is their anniversary and is the real England. Honest.

LSP said...

Juliette, they should be serving you! Have a word with the Supervisor, ASAP. And thanks for the post!

LSP said...

That's a very good point, LL, and I'd almost forgotten about Ole Rascal TuTu. As for Lambeth Palace, well, that was taken over by Mantis People long ago.

LSP said...

Anonymous, be fair, Jules is on assignment. We'll see if the team can rise to the laudable #WTER18 but, and I'm only guessing, Juliette might need a room at a pleasant hotel... or even a good Inn. That's just speculation.

LL said...

When Juliette puts on her emergency clown nose, we know that things are getting serious.

I suspect that she's trying to recruit people to her new Clown Church...where better to gather a flock?

LSP said...

That, LL, is all too feasible. We have been warned.