Pioneer Column

 

Everyone's heard of Cecil Rhodes, mining magnate and driven son of the Empire, but perhaps you've forgotten his Pioneer Column, guided by the legendary Frederick Selous. The Column set north from today's South Africa to what would become Rhodesia in 1890. According to something called "Pindula":

The Pioneer Column was made up of individuals of various expertise. It was led by Frank Johnson who was formerly of the Bechuanaland Protectorate Police, and Rhodes's military advisor, before he became leader of the column. Johnson employed the services of Fredrick Selous who was a professional hunter with vast knowledge of Mashonaland. He was the guide for the Column. 

He then began to recruit volunteers to take part in the colonisation of Mashonaland. The volunteers were to be offered 3000 hectares of arable land and 15 mining claims as a reward for their services. The Pioneer Column was placed under the military directorship of an Irish Commander Lieutenant Colonel Edward Pennefather. 

The Pioneer Column was made up of 180 sappers, 200 volunteers and 62 wagons. No women were allowed. Another group soon joined the Column. It added 110 men, 16 wagons, 130 horses and 250 cattle. They set out from Mcloutsie (Fort Tuli, on the Shashe River, border with Bechuanaland) on 28 June 1890 and arrived at Fort Victoria on 12 September. The British flag was hoisted, symbolising occupation.

 

 

It's said that the 200 volunteers were chosen from amongst thousands of applicants for their exceptional qualities of character and ability. And go figure, their immediate descendants went on to create a civilised state from land occupied by hunter gatherers and savages.

Remarkable men, not least Selous himself, and, let the record show, Great Britain sold those pioneers down the river, ceding a once prosperous nation into the hands of corrupt communists, it's laughably called Zimbabwe now. What a betrayal.

That aside, and it's a large aside, can you imagine Rhodes and Curzon meeting, perhaps in the "Secret Society" or over a brandy at the Rand Club or at White's in London. "I say, Rhodes, you do try hard," pan to cigar smoke, flashing eyes and, "Yes!" Or something like that. And what can we say.

Dear Lord, Kyrie Elieson, but well done nonetheless

There were giants in those days,

LSP

Dogs of War

 

The Swiss were famous for it, the Hessians gave it a college try, some even wonder if the US military haven't been in the game as the armed extension of the House of Saud. That's as maybe and it's all going on in the Ukraine today. LL makes the compelling point that if you want to fight in a "stand up war" join a PMC (Private Military Company), with a sponsor, and people who know what they're doing. 

That in mind, we remember the world's most famous mercenary in recent times, Mad Mike Hoare. Born in British India to Irish parents, Hoare fought in WWII and retired at the rank of Major to Durban, South Africa, where he worked at the insufferably dull job of accountancy until recruited by Moïse Tshombe to put down the communist Simba insurgency.

Mad Mike's final exploit was in the Seychelles, where his team were arrested at the airport. The BBC comments:

When officers found a dismantled AK-47, the man panicked and revealed that there were more weapons outside.

At this point the entire plan unravelled, and amid the ensuing conflict at the airport the mercenaries commandeered an Air India plane and flew it back to South Africa.

When they arrived the mercenaries were jailed for six days...

 

 

There is, when you think on it, something remarkable about Hoare and here at DLC (Dallas Light Cavalry) HQ he's required reading. He was, miraculously, 100 years old when he died in 2020.

Rest in Peace, Colonel,

LSP

Excelsior!

 

Do you feel we're living at the very end of an age? That in mind, let's hear it for Procul  Harum. Grand Hotel, what an album. And it reminds me of a South African Latin teacher who used to command us to strike our heads against 18th C desks if we messed up vocab tests.

"I like Harum and Purple," he'd exclaim. "Strike your head against the desk ten times. Harder." Well, it was the '70s.

Cheers,

LSP

New Human Dwarf Species Discovered

A mysterious new dwarf branch of the human family has been discovered in a South African cave. Standing at under 5' tall, the previously undiscovered dwarf hominids have baffled scientists.

"It's a really, really strange creature," stated one anthropologist from the University of Johannesburg, "It's like a human, Homo Sapiens, but different, a lot smaller, with ratlike hands and less brain capacity."

15 skeletons of the bizarre dwarf race of near-humans have been unearthed, and might be as much as 3 million years old. Some speculate that they're a "missing link." But a missing link to what?

You, the reader, be the judge. And I'm sorry if this is an old joke, but I'm sticking to it.

Cheers,

LSP