It Was The Pork That Did It!

Workplace violence, The Weather, El Nino, guns, simple rage, you name it, the race was on to find the motive behind the apparently inexplicable shootings in California. But now the search is over, and the culprit is pork!

According to eye witnesses who were in the Inland Resource Center in Loma Linda, CA and attending the Christmas Party where the attacks took place, Muslim employees of the county had previously asked that Pork products not be served. When one of those Muslims arrived at the event and saw that, in addition to many other foods, Bacon and Pork Sausage was being served, he angrily confronted other party-goers - allegedly saying "I'm tired of these insults to Islam" - and then stormed out of the event.

Less than an hour later, he returned with two others in a pre-planned revenge attack and started shooting.

A Typical Pork Recipe

We have the motive. Dietary insensitivity, destroying Sayed's safe space, is the cause of this latest tragedy. We must therefore ban guns and outlaw Christianity.

Problem? Solution.

Your Pal,

LSP

Cooking With LSP

So how do you cook with LSP? I hear you ask, in that incredulous way. Well, I'll tell you. Get a couple of thick pork chops with plenty of fat on them; rub salt, pepper and olive oil onto the chops, and let them sit while you preheat an oven to 400 degrees. Enjoy a glass of wine while you're at it, why not? 

Then heat up an iron skillet with some oil in it until the thing's smoking hot, and put the chops in the skillet. It'll smoke. Don't freak out, it's supposed to. Watch those chops fry, a minute a side, and enjoy the aroma of cooking pork as you test out the wine. Frying done, put the chops in the oven, in the skillet. I like to add a good slice of butter on them at this point, but that's just me.

Typical Street Scene in LSPland

Let the meat cook for 4 minutes max, 2 minutes a side, then remove the skillet from the oven. Place the chops aside, under tinfoil, and get that skillet on a hot burner. Add chicken broth, some crushed garlic, and a bit of rosemary to the pork drippings. Maybe tip some wine in, just for kicks, and thicken with flour as you whisk away like a PR spin. Cut the sauce with lemon juice, if you like, to taste.

A Wrench, A Crush Washer, And A Flash Hider

Put the chops on a plate. Add mashed potatoes and some other vegetable, like yellow squash, or carrots, and pour the gravy. Behold the glory of the chops, say grace, and eat your food like a champion.

And that's cooking, with...

LSP.