Summer Solstice

Thanks to a noted member of the intelligence community we all know it's the Summer Solstice. How very beautiful.

It seems innocent.

But is it?

Better mind your wallets.

Hippies are thieves.

Harambe weeps,

LSP

Burning Man Freak Fair Infested By Bugs. Shocka.

This year's Burning Man hippy throw-down was infested by bugs. "What!" You cry out in amazement, "A freak fair, infested by bugs!" 

Yeah, that's right, bugs, in the Nevada desert. The hippies brought them there.

Hippies Goofing Off Around a Fire

Hippies are notorious for bad personal hygiene, thieving, hustling, and lying around, out of it, when they're not goofing off around fires or dressing up like Indians.

"Indian"

There's very little water in the Nevada desert, which makes cleanliness difficult. Far out, eh?

Make of that what you will.

LSP

Texas Passes FFHA

The State of Texas has just passed legislation allowing shop owners to restrict thieves from entering their premises, and angry Austin locals are furious.

"The FFHA puts Texas back in the dark ages," stated one outraged Travis County resident, "It's like the Nazis have taken over, why should I have to use the side door? That's discrimination and it's barbaric."

Governor Greg Abbott signed the Freedom From Hippies Act (FFHA) into law after receiving complaints from shopkeepers and small businesses about hippies stealing merchandise, and driving away customers.

"It's not discrimination, it's just common sense," said Abbott, "Business owners have a right to protect themselves from thieves, and the FFHA guarantees that. This is mostly an Austin problem, but we need statewide protection."

However, major corporations are threatening sanctions against the Lone Star State. Apple CEO, Tim Cook, has announced that the tech giant may stop doing business in Texas, and Facebook is reportedly considering suspending the state's social media accounts.

Governor Abbott remains adamant that the FFHA will remain in place, despite these threats, "The Texas economy is booming and this new Act will help ensure that continues, with or without Tim Cook."

Hippies, use the side door.

LSP