In a savage new twist on the War on Weather, Russian bots have hacked UK Global Warming, pounding the Sceptered Isle with a freezing blast of Siberian ice and snow. A storm Brits call the Beast From The East.
A Russian Bot braves the snow in St. James' Park
The Beast has dumped centimeters of snow on the United Kingdom, knocking temperatures down into minus figures and bringing the country to a standstill.
The Beast Rolls In
Shocked Brits reacted to Russia's unprovoked act of climate change aggression by deploying units of the Guards Division and Household Cavalry.
Guards
Some rushed to Tesco's, ASDA and other supermarkets to panic buy milk, bread and similar essentials.
Horse Guards
“It’s snowing here and I’ve just been out to watch the panic buying brigade," stated one person on Twitter, "20 milk and 14 loaves battling it out in those trolleys like chariots and battering rams."
The Long Retreat From Moscow
Others have been left without heat and power, praying for an end to Climate Change and a return to Global Warming.
A Typical UK Road
"I reduced my carbon footprint but the climate changed anyway," said one stranded panic shopper at the Solihull Sainsbury's, "It's this snow, all I could find was a caramel log."
Panic Buyers
The Beast From The East has joined forces with Moscow backed Winter Storm Emma Watson, promising further disruption to United Kingdom.
Arduus Ad Solem,
LSP
7 comments:
I don't know what fake news you've been reading but I can assure you that the panic buying trolley consisted of beer and hard spirits; just in case the pub lorry couldn't make it from the brewery to the pub where meetings on how to kill the beast are being held.
The Beast From The East is horrendous. I feel like I am in Siberia. My boiler has packed up leaving me with no heating or hot water. I have t keep boiling the kettle and going outside to pour it on the frozen pipes but it isn't working. Ergo, I am dressed in a vest, two t-shirts, two jumpers, two scarves and a unicorn bobble hat. And that's INSIDE. I look like the Michelin tyre man. Vanity has no place in this Russian climate.
The Obama solution to climate change was to engage the US military. I find it comforting that the UK is doing the same thing. It shows that we weren't the only nation with a bit of crazy going on.
Meanwhile the whole global cooling thing should cause the UK to go back to burning coal.
Advice to Juliette - get a ton of coal delivered and keep it in the shed in the back garden just in case. Besides, you can cook on a nice coal fire when the electricity and the gas goes out.
Oh, and Jules, buy a 'body warmer' vest...
Julette, I have to agree with LL. The UK is rich in coal and it goes well with a wood fire. Or on its own, there's no "rule."
A healthy stock of "Old Raj" doesn't hurt either.
Slay the Beast!
Britain has lots of coal, LL. That'll be useful in the upcoming ice age.
And who knows, maybe the MOD will RESURRECT THE REGIMENTS they foolishly disbanded, to fight the weather.
Jules also needs to consider a "snow boot" line for sales in the UK. They'll be needed for the coming ice age.
Larry Lambert, I shall NOT buy a bodywarmer. Even though I trust in my creativity to probably make it more acceptable and cute, ain't ever gonna happen. If it does, you have my permission to bury me in the coal shed.
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