The Diocese of London Caught On Camera?

Disturbing photos show what appears to be the declining Church of England's Diocese of London. Once a proud stronghold of Anglo-Catholicism, the Diocese of London has seemingly fallen on hard times.

According to one expert, "I’ve loved this diocese since I was a kid. Now look at it, an alleged half-man, half-fish that looks like the charming end of a monkey carcass coated with leather and shoe polish and fastened to the backside of a mackerel."

Others aren't convinced. "This may look a lot like the Diocese of London," stated one pundit, "But it's just a fake mermaid. You can see it on display along with the Anglican Church of Canada at Banff's Indian Trading Company."

Is this eyeless, dried out hybrid all that remains of the once mighty Diocese of London or is it merely a carnival stunt in Justin Welby's ever shrinking big tent?

You, the reader, be the judge,

LSP

Bishops Abandon ACoC!

Do you remember ACoC, the tiny Canadian Anglican franchise? Perhaps not, you've been busy watching Ice Ice Baby on a continuous loop. But press pause and listen up; ACoC's bishops are abandoning their dimunitive denomination in droves.

ACoC Bishop Figures

Archbishop Fred Hiltz, ACoC supremo, has announced his resignation. Michael Bird, Bishop of Niagara, Colin Johnson of Toronto, Donald Phillips of Rupert's Land and now Archbishop Privett of Kootenay and The People, have all told the world they're Xing out of ACoC.

Why are these bishop figures leaving the church they helped to destroy build? Here's Samizdat:

Time We Left This Planet

They are all liberal and heartily endorse same-sex marriage. Why have they all decided to leave now? Do they know something we don’t about the fate of the ACoC? Are they concerned that there is no future for them in the ACoC because they are all heterosexual? Have they reached that stage in life when ambition yields to the sad realisation that all the ecclesiastical mayhem that can possibly be inflicted on the Anglican Communion in one lifetime has already been wrought during their climb up the greasy clerical pole?

Return To The Source!

All good questions but let's apply Occam's Razor. Could it be that, work done, the Mothership is calling them home?

Food for thought, eh?

LSP

NASA Probe Unravels Great Red Spot Mystery

NASA's Juno space probe has captured dramatic photos deep within the heart of the Jupiter's Great Red Spot, revealing what appears to be the head of the Archbishop of Canterbury, Justsin Welby.

Juno left earth in 2011, making its first pass over Jupiter's Great Red Spot in July, 2017. Astronomer's discovered that the Spot has deep roots, well into the planet's atmosphere.

"Juno data indicate that the solar system's most famous storm is almost one-and-a-half Earths wide, and has roots that penetrate about 200 miles (300 kilometers) into the planet's atmosphere,” said Scott Belton, Juno's principal investigator.

However, star gazing boffins were shocked to find the Archbishop of Canterbury in Juno's camera footage.

"It came as a shock," stated Belton, "We didn't expect to find Justin Welby so far down in the Red Spot, right there at the bottom,"

Others aren't convinced. "This is absurd. It's obviously not the Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby," said one expert, "It's just hot gas. Red Spot Junior is ACoC (Anglican Church of Canada), we know that."

Juno continues on its journey out of the solar system and into the icy void of deep space.

Ad Adstra,

LSP

UFO Hunters Find ACoC On Mars!

Amazed UFO hunters believe they've discovered ACoC (Anglican Church of Canada) on the surface of the red planet.

Images of the crashed 1.3 mile long object were discovered in footage from NASA's Mars Global Surveyor, leading xenologists to conclude that ACoC had at last been found.

ACoC Enhanced

“I have processed, colorized and rebuilt the object and in my opinion it is ACoC," stated one expert, "The object is too degraded to enhance totally so I have rebuilt it using the points of interest, it's also over a mile long, so this must have been a mothership, either a Martian one or possibly an off planet alien species. That's when we realized we had found ACoC, but why did it crash?”

Why did it crash, on Mars?

Why Did It Crash?

That, readers, is a very good question.

Ad Astra,

LSP

Anglican Church of Canada Spotted Over Yorkshire

Two stargazers were shocked when they spotted ACoC (Anglican Church of Canada) flying high above England's famous Yorkshire Dales.

Jayson Morehead, 21, and Keith Downlow, 23, got more than they bargained for when they went camping in the Dales to "look at the stars." 

"We were looking at the stars," stated Morehead, "When it just popped up on the horizon, blinking red, purple and rainbow [sic]. Then disappeared back where it came from. I was not sure if I saw it but looked at Keith and his face was white.

"It was there one minute, then next it lit up like a bolt of lightening. It was like a flash and whoosh, it was gone. If I'd blinked I would have missed it.

"It was absolutely incredible. The stars were dots in the night sky and the Anglican Church of Canada was the size of a 5p. It was hard to judge how far away it was but it was definitely higher than the hills."

Why the diminutive ACoC was flying above the Yorkshire Dales only to suddenly disappear remains a mystery.

Fred Hiltz declined to comment.

Ad Astra,

LSP

Diocese of Toronto Flies Over The Rainbow

Appalled

The Anglican Church of Canada (ACoC) flew over the rainbow this week, electing its first ever openly partnered gay bishop (OPGB), Keith Robertson. Robertson will serve as one of three Suffragan Bishops in the Diocese of Toronto.

Speaking after his election, Robertson stated that he would work for the "peace and unity" of the church and that he would be "a bishop for the whole church."

The peace and unity of the church is really important to me and I will work to continue that peace and unity as a bishop... I think LGBTQ clergy and lay people might naturally gravitate towards me looking for some leadership around the issue of full inclusion, but I absolutely see myself as a bishop for the whole church, including people who have a very different view of things than I do. I'm their bishop, too."

Well that's just it, isn't it; you're not our bishop. Bishops are centers of Apostolic unity in the church and that's exactly what Robertson is not. He can't be a bishop for the whole church because his OPGB lifestyle puts him outside the communion of the church, making him a locus of disunity and schism rather than unity. 

This means that Toronto's new Suffragan, despite good intentions, acts as an anti-bishop who will serve to further fragment the already scandalously divided Body of Christ. 

A Rainbow Unicorn

So well done, ACoC, for bravely flying over the rainbow and away from the church you claim to be a part of.

Be sure to dodge the unicorns on the way up.

LSP 

ACoC Gets a New Liturgy!

Thanks to St. Stephen-in-the-Fields, Toronto, ACoC (Anglican Church of Canada) has a new liturgy, a special worship ritual to bless and acknowledge a person who's transitioned to another sex. 

The sex-change ceremony was conducted by Revs. Maggie Helwig and Andrea Budgey for Beck Shaefer, who started out in life as a woman but became a man. However, because ACoC didn't have a trans blessing liturgy, the parish invented one.

Helwig And Shaefer at The Baptismal Font

“We understood that this wasn’t a re-baptism,” said Helwig, “God always knew who Beck was in his fullness, and received him as himself from the beginning. But we also knew that this was a moment closely tied to the baptismal covenant, and Beck’s growth as a disciple.”

At the service, Beck declared that transgenderism was part of God's creation and that this was something to be lived "openly and authentically."

Helwig, Budgey And Friends

“God created me transgender, and calls me to live openly and authentically,” said Beck at the ceremony, “This is not a solitary path but rather a call that I am to live out in relation to others and as a member of the body of Christ.”

A Beautiful Rainbow Unicorn

Scientists have so far failed to find the elusive transgender chromosome, causing some to doubt the authenticity of sex-change procedures. "They're just blasphemous parodies of men or women," said one expert, on the condition of anonymity, "No one's fooled, especially God."

Good luck, ACoC.

LSP

Mystery Planet Home to ACoC?

The Anglican Church of Canada

Stargazing boffins have spotted a mystery world which may be home to the long-lost Anglican Church of Canada (ACoC).

Star Map

Astronomers at the European Southern Observatory discovered a world orbiting our closest star, Alpha Centauri, that's only four light years away. Because the mysterious planet inhabits the "goldilocks zone," allowing it to have liquid water, the planet may host life, and ACoC.

In Space No One Can Hear You Scream

Eager scientists are trying to find a way to send a gigantic robot probe to the planet to see if it's home to alien life forms. However, although close in astronomical terms, it would take 76,000 years to reach using present day spacefaring technology.

According to Nick Pope, a UK based UFO expert, the discovery is "game-changing."

Space Aliens

"This game-changing discovery may help us answer the question of whether or not the Anglican Church of Canada is in this universe," he stated, "Many people believe there are aliens out there and now it's possible they're our galactic next door neighbours."

The Church of England

The Anglican Church of Canada left earth orbit several decades ago and has yet to be found. Whether the tiny denomination will be discovered circling our nearest star is uncertain because of the distances involved.

Artist's Impression of a Light Sail Starship 

When asked if it was building a "light sail" to reach the far-off planet and make contact with the diminutive ACoC, Lambeth Palace declined to comment.

Ad Astra,

LSP

The Diocese of New Westminster Crashes in Pershore!

Residents of a sleepy market town in Worcestershire, England, got a rude awakening when the Diocese of New Westminster fell to earth early this morning.

Pershore High Street

The piece of space junk crashed onto Pershore's Church Walk, near the toney farming community's historic abbey, narrowly missing cars and startling locals.

"I was on my way to buy some smoked salmon and pheasant," stated Annabelle Harley-Ffoulkes, "when there was an appalling noise. I thought it was one of those beastly women vicars at the Abbey, but it was just the Diocese of New Westminster. I was pretty relieved, I can tell you."

Typical Pershore Street Scene

The Diocese of New Westminster went into orbit in the early 1990s, along with the Anglican Church of Canada (ACoC), and communicated sporadically with earth until it crash landed in the prosperous farming community.

Space Junk

There are an estimated 500,000 pieces of man made debris, or space junk, orbiting the earth at speeds of up to 17,500 mph. Pershore is home to 8000 people.

LSP

A Zombie Communion, Archbishop Welby Calls a Primate's Meeting

It's happened, the moment we've all not been waiting for, when the head of the world's third largest denomination, the Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, calls a Primates meeting. It's going ahead, the letters are out, and the Primates have been invited to meet, face to face in Canterbury, June, 2016.

So what's it all about? To find a way forward for worldwide Anglicanism to somehow exist while holding irreconcilable differences within itself. Here's Welby:

Useless

"Our way forward must respect the decisions of Lambeth 1998 (which upheld Scriptural teaching on marriage)... recognising that the way in which proclamation happens and the pressures on us vary greatly between Provinces. We each live in a different context.

“The difference between our societies and cultures, as well as the speed of cultural change in much of the global north, tempts us to divide as Christians: when the command of scripture, the prayer of Jesus, the tradition of the church and our theological understanding urges unity."

Zombies

Roughly translated: The Anglican Communion can continue as one big tent provided everyone agrees to disagree and by the way, to break unity with the big tent is against Scripture, Tradition and the will of Christ himself. So take that, trads. If you split from us and our lesbian bishops, you're being disloyal Christians, and anyway, take a pill, it's all contextual anyway.

The GAFCON (Global Anglican Future Conference) Primates weren't slow to answer:

"It is on this basis that the GAFCON Primates will prayerfully consider their response to the Archbishop of Canterbury’s letter. They recognize that the crisis in the Communion is not primarily a problem of relationships and cultural context, but of false teaching which continues without repentance or discipline."

Pathetic

False teaching which continues without repentance or discipline? Right on, and Welby's way forward doesn't seem to envisage much of that, if any at all. But it's a moot point; the Anglican Communion hasn't been a communion since the 1970s, when women were ordained and the orders and sacraments of its various provinces were no longer mutually recognized.

At best, Anglicanism since then has been a fellowship of Churches held together by "bonds of affection," but even these have been strained beyond breaking point by the radical liberalism of what Welby refers to as the "global north."

Oh! I have a Barbour! Whatever.

This has resulted in a so-called Communion that exists in name only, a Zombie Communion of Provinces that don't recognize one another's sacraments, orders, faith or morals. In other words, a sham.

House Elf

Welby has dared to call this hollow man together in the New Year. He shouldn't be disappointed if it blows up in his face.

Welby is known variously as Dobby, Sharkey, House Elf, and Chino.

LSP

Alien, Rock, ACoC Bishop?

ACoC Bishop?

A concerned and worried Anonymous has just sent this in:

"so today i was cleaning up my yard where my old pourch use to be, and i saw this wierd looking roke half barried so i picked it up and brushed it off and i realized it want a rock its a fossle. 

Terrifying Space Creature

"it scared the living shit out of me. it looked like that little alien guy off of men in black. but anyways i decided to do some reasearch on google looking though pics and from the discription they look freakishly alike.... i want to go and get this checked out but i dont know where? i live in montana..."

We run this Church

Has Anonymous found a fossilized space creature? An old rock? Or just some run-of-the-mill Canadian Bishop?

Mad Grey

Team LSP awaits the photos.

Archbishop of Toronto?!?

In the meanwhile, shoot straight, if you can find any ammo.

Cheers,

LSP

Anglican Church of Canada Declines, Members Sing and Dance!

Faced with over 50 years of continuous decline, graying membership, a second quarter deficit of 900,000 "loonies" and a mere 320,000 pewsitters per Sunday, dioceses and parishes across the Anglican Church of Canada (ACoC) are being forced to take drastic measures.

Justice Camp. That'll pack 'em in!

The Diocese of Toronto is advertising Justice Camp, where the people sing. Here's an excerpt, to the tune of My Favorite Things, apparently:

Meeting with Linda, with movers & shakers,
Activists, greenies, and health-and peace-makers,
MP’s and editors, right on the ball,
Help us respond to our fai-aithful call.
Postcards and letters and online petitions,
Rallies and sit-ins with local musicians,
Scripture reminds us to take care of all-
Working for justice can be such a ball!

Refrain 

When our greed strikes,
When our fears roar,
When we’re feeling proud,
We simply remember our fai-aithful call -
And then we can speak out loud!

Catchy, isn't it.

Some churches have turned to liturgical dance in a desperate bid to feel good, despite all those empty pews.

note the disgruntled 'subdeacon'...

And the circle just gets wider, unless you're a trad, in which case the Diocese of Huron evicts you and puts concrete blocks in front of your church so no one can get in.

Well done ACoC. Now no one gets to go to St. Hildas's. 

ACoC looks set to continue on its current trajectory away from earth and into the stellar void of deep space.

Thanks, Samizdat, for the stats and pics.

God bless.

LSP