New World Order, We Apologize

Team LSP has an apology to make. We may have given you, the reader, the idea that the Church of England is hell-bent on creating a new super race of androgynous, talent pool, shill puppets for the New World Order. 

Some people have even accused us of accusing the venerable CofE of being a party to sinister eugenics experiments, euphemistically called "bishops," which will be the forerunners of a new race of genderless, Illuminati clone slaves.

If we've given that impression we apologize.

Rumors that interpretive liturgical dance featured at the consecration of the Bishop of St. Edmundsbury and Ipswich are entirely without foundation.

Or are they?

LSP

UK Government to Create SSuper Race?

According to the BBC, the U.K. government has backed a plan to alter the DNA of babies, using a new in vitro fertilization technique involving three people; two parents and an egg donor.

The new three-way IVF treatment will be used to weed out diseased mitochondrial DNA from future generations.

What could poSSibly Go. Wrong. With. That. See you in Brazil, with the reSSt of the boys.

Well done, Great Britain.

LSP

The Horror

At last, it's happened. The Church of England has finally consecrated it's first ever Boy Bishop. Libby Lane, a 48 year old clergyperson from Manchester, has finally been made Bishop of Stockport.

Ole Rascal

The Archbishop of York, John Sentamu, was delighted at Lane's promotion to being a top decision-maker in the Church of England.

Libby

"It is high time we had women bishops," stated Sentamu, who is known as Ole Rascal, "I have been praying and working for this day. In a few years' time when more and more women will be bishops, I predict we shall be wondering how we ever managed without them."

Lane

One person objected to Lane's consecration, saying that it "was not in the Bible." 

The Church of England is setting up a "talent pool" to reverse its alarming decrease in attendance. 

Good luck,

LSP

Go on, Go Fishing

I went fishing on our retreat at Lake Dallas. Did I see any fish? Sure I did, a lot of them. Did I catch any?

No. I did not and I blame the Administration for that. But I had fun trying.

And now I'm missing the Lake, and becoming increasingly interested in Lemuria.

Cheers,

LSP

Lake Dallas Retreat

Every year the clergy of the Diocese of Fort Worth go on retreat. It's a silent affair, which I like, though there's plenty of opportunity to "frat" with your friends after Compline and I like that too.

Bishop Sutton's our retreat conductor this time around and he's given an excellent series of addresses on the "nuptial nature of the church." All good stuff and it's good to learn something, which isn't always a given on a retreat.

With a view towards learning, I've brought along a few history books. How many worlds have there been before our own? I guess I'll find out when I reach my intended goal of being an expert on ante-diluvia and the forgotten civilizations and races of prehistory.

But now it's time to go to the chapel of this Jesuit retreat house on Lake Dallas and say some prayers, as well as reflecting on the Church as Bride of Christ.

I'll review the above books later, stay tuned.

Atlantis Rising,

LSP

Edgar Allen Poe and the Blessed Virgin Mary

Everyone's heard of Edgar Allen Poe, the famously troubled 19th century author who wrote the Pit and the Pendulum, The Raven, The Premature Burial and much more. It's perhaps less well-known that he wrote a "hymn" to the Blessed Virgin Mary, with reference to the Angelus. Here it is:

“Hymn”

At morn–at noon–at twilight dim–

Maria! thou hast heard my hymn!

In joy and woe–in good and ill–

Mother of God, be with me still!

When the Hours flew brightly by,

And not a cloud obscured the sky,

My soul, lest it should truant be,

Thy grace did guide to thine and thee

Now, when storms of Fate o’ercast

Darkly my Present and my Past,

Let my future radiant shine

With sweet hopes of thee and thine.

I like that, and if you think the Mother of Our Lord is Semiramis, you're a fool.

LSP 

Thugs v. Hippies, in Austin

If you live in Austin, which is the Capitol of Texas, chances are you're a hippy, or you know one, or both. That's just the way it is in Austin.

Typical Austin Street Scene

Austin, for hippies, is one big adventure playground; but be careful, Hippy. Take a few steps across the line that is I35 and your thieving ways  may not go down too well. Have a look at this video and see if I'm not right.

Hippy Running From Thug

Others are more prosey. Here's Katie Friel, writing for Culture Map Austin.

"It's almost Shakespearean that this fight happened where it did, barely a block east of I-35. This traditional barrier of Austin's white versus black — of 'us' and 'them' — has, in recent years, become the heart of gentrification in Austin. This corner sets the stage for a disturbingly violent act, charged with anger and full of hateful language. And it isn't just the violence that is disturbing, but the way we seemed to perpetuate this violence by sharing it on social media with the same unwavering words: 'thugs' versus 'hippies.'"

Sink Me, the Monkey has it.

Thugs v. Hippies? I'd say that the long-haired layabouts in the video got off rather lightly, and that the Thugs showed uncommon restraint.

Now I'm not a betting man, but I'll wager my fighting monkey against any 5 of your priestesses that the thugs have it, any day of the week.

Fight on,

LSP

Lord of the Dance

Churches have to grow, it's a fact, and I'm grateful to Team LSP for coming up with some good suggestions that will help me achieve this goal at the Missions. 

Altar

Here's one: "I know this artist who paints as a form of worship, right up at the altar. At the end of the service, she has completed a masterpiece. You should invite her to train them to do altar paintings." Good idea!  

A Praise Band, "Getting it On." Note Dancer.

Here's another one: "We should get drums, fog machines, and hire a barista." I like it, but that's not all.

Oh Yeah.

"You need Liturgical Dance!" I think that goes without saying and I'll get right on it. So thank you, Team, for your help. Well done.

Rumors that Jay Z is some kind of Illuminati shill puppet for the NWO are just that, rumors.

God bless,

LSP

Ancient Aliens, the Smoking Gun?

The holy grail of ancient alien theorists may have been found, in the Church of England's General Synod!

Photographs show what appear to be ancient aliens hiding in plain sight, in the CofE's most revered governing body, the General Synod. 

The off-world Synodians look similar to men and women, though some speculate that the mysterious creatures may be genderless and have moved beyond "male" and "female" thanks to advanced technology.

Ancient alien theorists believe that the earth was visited by aliens many thousands of years ago, and may one day return.

Is the wait over?

LSP

Farmer's Doorstop Turns Out to be Church of England Bishop!

In 2002 a Norfolk farmer was plowing his field in East Rudham, when he discovered a bent Church of England bishop in the soil. The farmer took the bent bishop back to his farmhouse, where he used the object as a doorstop for 12 years, until a friend suggested he had it checked, by experts.

Ecclesiastical experts identified the the bishop as a "ceremonial dirk," which had been bent prior to burial.

The farmer agreed to sell the bent old bishop to Norwich museum for the film rights to Love Free or Die, the former Bishop of New Hampshire's blockbuster movie.

The Rt. Rev. Gene Robinson is reportedly being used as a doorstop at the Center for American Progress, in Washington DC.

The identity of the bishop discovered in Norfolk is currently unknown.

LSP

God of Surprises

It's not every day that the numbers-thin Church of England is rescued by a stray cat on the icy streets of a provincial Russian town. So here's a helpful prayer, to mark the event:

God of Surprises, 

you call us

from the narrowness of our traditions

to new ways of being church

from the captivities of our culture to

creative witness for justice

form the smallness of our horizons

to the bigness of your vision.

Beautiful, isn't it, and while we're at it, why not join together in song? Here's one, from Worship and Rituals in a Feminist Key. It's called "You're a Lot Like Me."

(Chorus)

In the very middle - In the very middle - You're a lot like me

A shining rainbow personality

The clothes and the skin -- are just the car you're in

In the very middle you're a lot like me.

(Verse)

Some got castles - Some got shacks - Some got backpacks on their backs

Many different ways to dance and sing

But the most important thing is :

(Chorus)

In the very middle...

How very uplifting.

LSP

                                                                                  

Church of England Saved by Stray Cat

The diminutive Church of England, which has been steadily shrinking for decades, may have been saved, by a stray cat.

The tiny church was found by Masha the cat, where it had been abandoned on the snowy streets of Obninsk, in a small box.

"When I heard her meowing, I thought that perhaps she had injured herself," said local resident Irina Lavrova, "You can imagine my shock when I found her lying in a box next to the Church of England."

Others aren't so sure, believing that the abandoned church may have been US Foreign Policy, or even a baby.

Church of England, Foreign Policy or baby, well done Masha!

LSP

The Dumbest Speech Ever

President Obama addressed the nation yesterday in what some pundits are calling the dumbest State of the Union address ever, tailored to the intellect of an average 14 year old.

Others feel that Obama's an empty fraud, going through a contrived act that fails to hide the hollow sham of his presidency. Nick Gillespie, writing for Time, nails it:

"Arguably the most frustrating thing about Obama’s presidency is that he himself often barely seems to be inhabiting it. He reads about things in the newspapers, just like the rest of us, only playing commander in chief when it suits his fancy. That’s no way to run a country, especially one in which your position is weaker than it was just last year."

But Barack Hussein Obama doesn't care, he's only got two more years to shill and then he can retire, limolib elite rich, on the proceeds of the dumbest speeches ever.

Nice work if you can find it,

LSP

United Kingdom of Gayness

The news is coming in fast and furious from the Sceptered Isle and it's pretty gay. 

No sooner had Stephen Fry tied the rainbow knot with Elliott Spencer, than Edinburgh played host to the world's first ever pagan gay wedding.

Tom Lanting and Iain Robertson, who describe themselves as "hedge witches," were married in a wedding ceremony in an Edinburgh cellar this weekend.

According to the BBC, the gay pagan marriage ritual included "jumping the broom" and "handfasting," as well as drinking a bottle of mead. 

A well known paranormal expert in the U.K. commented, "There's one religion which has always said it has no problem with same-sex marriage. Satanism."

Vicious rumors that Stephen Fry is in a relationship with a 27 year old boy are entirely true.

Mind how you go,

LSP