Archbishop of Canterbury Writes Pope

An anonymous source has leaked damning correspondence between the Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, and Pope Francis to the Press.

Via Ignatius:

Dear Frank,

I have to admit that I am envious.

As your Synod on Yoof comes to an end you are in the happy position of being able to oversee the drafting of the final document without fear of contradiction. I, on the other hand, am little more than a servant of our General Synod, tied hand and foot by quasi-democratic red tape.

What cheers me is that – au fond – we have identical aims and objectives. We both see the future in an accommodation to the general drift of Western values. Of course, with women’s ordination and casual abortion, we are way ahead of you. But there are new inclusions that we can work for together. What a triumph if you could smuggle a reference to LGBTQERTY into your final document!

Our task is to remedy the declining number of believers by adapting the Faith to what people really do believe. Then we can claim that the majority have been Christians all along and call it ‘evangelisation’.

At the moment, as I am sure you will agree, things are going swimmingly. Though to be honest I have mixed feelings about euthanasia – still, I suppose we will find ourselves embracing it in the end.

Keep up the good work,

Your affectionate ‘partner in crime’,

Justin.

Welby, head of the worldwide Anglican Communion, is popularly known as "Justsin." Stay tuned for further revelations.

Your Old Pal,

LSP 

Lord Tebbit Calls Bury's Gay Dean A Sodomite

Top Tory grandee, Lord Tebbit, has called Bury St. Edmunds' new gay dean a "sodomite" and is boycotting worship rituals led by Joe Hawes, who lives with his partner, Rev. Chris Eyden.

"I find it difficult to accept a sodomite as a member of the clergy who will, for example, be called upon to conduct marriage services," said Tebbit, "I will struggle to attend if he is officiating."

Bury St. Edmunds Cathedral

The outspoken Tory peer went on to assert his belief in the Bible and denounced homosexual activity.

"I just don't see how he can decently read the marriage service. I stand by what is written in the Bible, which is the basis on which the cathedral was built. It says the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed by God."

The Flag of Bury St. Edmunds Cathedral

"It cannot be a sin to be born homosexual. It is what one is. What I can't accept is the activity. I use the expression sodomite."

Lord Tebbit stated that he would continue giving financially to the cathedral, which he believes will "be there long after the dean and I are gone."

Hawes and Eyden

While the Church of England hasn't approved gay marriage ceremonies, Hawes and Eyden live together in a civil partnership, which is allowed by the denomination with the proviso that the partners don't have sex with each other.

Hawes

One UK Barrister who wishes remain anonymous, commented, "Remarkable. One of the few occaisons I find myself in agreement with Norman Tebbit in 38 years. Clearly there's hope and redemption for us all."

God bless,

LSP

Time Traveler Brings Back Photos Of Life On Mars

Proof has finally emerged that life exists on Mars, in the year 3812. Photos brought back by a young time traveler known only as "Mary", reveal buildings, a cathedral, and humanoid creatures living on the inhospitable surface of the red planet.

“Mars was very interesting and at the same time very frightening," stated Mary, 37, "It looked like a desert with many buildings and York Minster, I immediately took a photo. You can see the spaceships on which we came, you can also see the buildings."

The time traveler met with one Mars creature who called himself "Justsin" and wore a black coat. The humanoid took her for a ride in his flying car to see "the Sentamu."

“I was walking through the city when a man came to me who was wearing a black coat. His name was Justsin, he asked me to follow him to see 'the Sentamu' and we walked away and went to his car. 

"I couldn’t forget that emotion when I was flying above York Minster, on Mars.”

Ad Astra,

LSP

The Diocese of London Caught On Camera?

Disturbing photos show what appears to be the declining Church of England's Diocese of London. Once a proud stronghold of Anglo-Catholicism, the Diocese of London has seemingly fallen on hard times.

According to one expert, "I’ve loved this diocese since I was a kid. Now look at it, an alleged half-man, half-fish that looks like the charming end of a monkey carcass coated with leather and shoe polish and fastened to the backside of a mackerel."

Others aren't convinced. "This may look a lot like the Diocese of London," stated one pundit, "But it's just a fake mermaid. You can see it on display along with the Anglican Church of Canada at Banff's Indian Trading Company."

Is this eyeless, dried out hybrid all that remains of the once mighty Diocese of London or is it merely a carnival stunt in Justin Welby's ever shrinking big tent?

You, the reader, be the judge,

LSP

NASA Probe Unravels Great Red Spot Mystery

NASA's Juno space probe has captured dramatic photos deep within the heart of the Jupiter's Great Red Spot, revealing what appears to be the head of the Archbishop of Canterbury, Justsin Welby.

Juno left earth in 2011, making its first pass over Jupiter's Great Red Spot in July, 2017. Astronomer's discovered that the Spot has deep roots, well into the planet's atmosphere.

"Juno data indicate that the solar system's most famous storm is almost one-and-a-half Earths wide, and has roots that penetrate about 200 miles (300 kilometers) into the planet's atmosphere,” said Scott Belton, Juno's principal investigator.

However, star gazing boffins were shocked to find the Archbishop of Canterbury in Juno's camera footage.

"It came as a shock," stated Belton, "We didn't expect to find Justin Welby so far down in the Red Spot, right there at the bottom,"

Others aren't convinced. "This is absurd. It's obviously not the Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby," said one expert, "It's just hot gas. Red Spot Junior is ACoC (Anglican Church of Canada), we know that."

Juno continues on its journey out of the solar system and into the icy void of deep space.

Ad Adstra,

LSP

Make His Paths Straight

If you follow the newfangled innovation that is the lectionary cooked up by "experts" in the '60s, you'll have noticed that today's Gospel is all about John the Baptist crying out in the wilderness, "Prepare ye the way of the Lord, make his paths straight."

Rev. "Rachel" Mann

Make his paths straight, what would Archbishop Justsin say about that? Let's find out, here he is in an interview with GQ as reported by Lifesitenews:

Justin Welby, the Church of England’s Archbishop of Canterbury, was asked point-blank, “Is gay sex sinful?” by GQ on Monday.

“You know very well that is a question I can’t give a straight answer to,” Welby answered, then added, “Sorry, badly phrased there. I should have thought that one through.”

According to GQ, Welby paused and looked “mildly embarrassed” after his response.

Asked why he couldn’t answer the question, Welby responded: “Because I don’t do blanket condemnation and I haven’t got a good answer to the question. I’ll be really honest about that. I know I haven’t got a good answer to the question.”

"I haven't got a good answer to the question," tell us, Justsin, is that you or the Chinos talking? Regardless, what would the Baptizer say? 

Welby's Chinos

I think we know and it doesn't take any great leap of the imagination to picture the Forerunner's career trajectory in today's Church of England. From nothing to nothing, springs to mind. 

The Baptizer

Or if the unfortunate prophet found himself within the beast itself, the CofE, where would it end. With his head on a platter at the request of a dancing girl? Or some other thing, like the curiously named trans Canon of Manchester Cathedral, Rachel Mann.

Quite

Whatever the case, I don't see the Baptist backing down. Sorry, Justsin.

Make his paths straight,

LSP

Archbishop Of Canterbury In Black Friday Mall Brawl

Reports are coming in from around the country that the leader of the cash-strapped Church of England, Archbishop Justin Welby, has been Black Friday mall brawling for cheap deals in a desperate attempt to fix the finances of the Anglican Communion.

Following Thanksgiving, Black Friday discounts drive shoppers into a frenzy as they compete for door buster deals, and Archbishop Justsin was no exception, fighting for bargains with thousands of other hungry shoppers.

Police broke up mall brawls in numerous locations, including Alabama, Detroit and Jersey City.  Always one to mind the bottom line, Archbishop Justsin has reportedly installed 52" flatscreens in Lambeth Palace and stocked his drawers with cut-price cotton twill Chinos.

What this means for the present day Worldwide Anglican Non Communion (WANC) is presently unclear.

Quo Vadis,

LSP

Welby's Chinos!

They're here, they're there, they're everywhere, you guessed it, Welby's Chinos! 

Never one to stand on ceremony, Old Etonian Archbishop Justsin likes nothing better than to throw down his finely tailored Saville Row suits and pull on a pair of happy go lucky chinos.

Africans Amazed At Welby's Chinos

As a heartfelt proponent of cross-dressing for children, Welby favors the insouciant "whiter shade of pale" chino over its more formal variant, the traditional khaki.

Welby's Chinos Closeup

On TV and off TV, in Synod and out, strolling down the Mall with all the other swells or hanging loose in Old Compton Street, you name it, Archbishop Justin's right at home, in his free and easy cotton twills.

Don't Laugh At The Chinos!

So whether you're rocking a tutu and a fireman's helmet, a tool belt or tiara, never fear, Justsin's here, in chinos!

Bell Harry Forever,

LSP

Church Of England Goes Tiara Tutu

Just when you thought the venerable if shrinking CofE couldn't get any more dysphoric, it did, instructing its schools to encourage boys to dress up in tiaras and tutus. Here's an excerpt from the declining denomination's new rainbow guidelines for primary school teachers:

Tutu

For example, a child may choose the tutu, princess’s tiara and heels and/or the fireman’s helmet, tool belt and superhero cloak without expectation or comment. Childhood has a sacred space for creative self imagining.

 A Beautiful Unicorn

How many senior clergypersons enjoy dressing up in the tutu/fireman's helmet combo is presently unknown.

Justsin Welby

The Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, has endorsed the trans promoting document.

All the colors of the rainbow,

LSP

Amazing Pyramid Church Caught on Camera!

Amazing camera footage has captured a skyborne pyramidal structure, which appears to be the Church of England. The pyramid has been seen in multiple locations.

Josh Edbow was startled when he saw the Church of England zig-zagging in the air above Scarborough, Ontario, Canada.

"I was minding my own business when all of a sudden it appeared, zig-zagging in the sky. It was shaped like a giant pyramid," said Edbow, "The Church made a kind of whistling noise, it sounded like 'con-seq-uences.' Then it disappeared behind a water tower."

The same object was seen above the Hebei Luannan power plant in Tangshan City, China, spinning rapidly before becoming invisible.

"The Church of England span very fast," stated one power plant worker, "Then it vanished! There was a wind, the Church was still there, but invisible."

The Church of England was accompanied by a strange smaller craft in the China sighting. 

This too became invisible after spinning wildly. Experts speculate it was the Scottish Episcopal Church.

Ad Astra,

LSP

Is This The Face Of The Church Of England?

Startling new evidence suggests that the face of the Church of England has been found, in an underground cave in Utah.

The Face was discovered by avid cavers, Kevin Tittington and Colin Wetmore, who stumbled across a hidden cavern in Utah's famous Devil's Gorge. 

Finding a stone box wrapped in bark, the subterranean adventurers were amazed to see that it contained gold plates, covered in mysterious symbols and the outline of a bishop figure.

"It was clearly the face of the Church of England," stated Tittington, "Just look at the image. Pointed hat, mysterious symbols, we think it's a 'mission statement' and it has a staff thing. It looks a lot like a bishop figure."

However, the Face isn't the only artifact found in Devil's Gorge. The cavers also discovered two stone sarcophagi, one containing the mummified body of a woman and the other of a man. Wetmore claims this is evidence of the Church of England's "two integrities."

Artist's impression

"It was really amazing," said Wetmore, "Two desiccated mummies, of a man and a woman, buried alongside the Face of the Church of England. It is clearly evidence of two integrities."

Artist's impression

When asked if the symbols on the Church of England's metal plates were a form of "creed," Wetmore was ambiguous, "I don't know, it may be a creed but they're indecipherable, no one can work them out."

Others disagree.  According to one paranormal expert, "The whole thing's a fraud, it's just a hoax. It doesn't even look that much like a bishop. No one's actually seen the so-called 'two integrities.' They're a figment of Tittington and Wetmore's imagination."

Face or Fraud?

You decide,

LSP

Diocese Of Southwark Caught On Camera!

Disturbing footage shows what appears to be the Diocese of Southwark, terrorizing a toddler in a kitchen in Argentina.

The video shows baby Benjamin talking to himself, when the Diocese of Southwark appears out of thin air and scampers across the kitchen floor before escaping into the garden.

The toddler's mother, Silvia, started filming when she saw her son becoming nervous and at first didn't believe her eyes.

"I thought it was some kind of rodent, maybe a goblin; I was shocked when I realized it was the Diocese of Southwark. After running across the kitchen floor it disappeared into the garden, leaving a nauseating smell."

However, not all are convinced. "It's clearly a small goblin," stated one expert, "The Diocese of Southwark has been firmly located in Brewer's Cave, Utah. This is something else, possibly the Diocese of Los Angeles or Kentucky."

Has the Diocese of Southwark been captured on film, in an Argentinian kitchen?

You, the reader, be the judge,

LSP