Unholy Week

Police are appealing to the public following a carjacking in Ann Arbor, a suburb of Detroit.

The incident occurred around 1 a.m. in the 400 block of Washington Street, when two men forced a driver from his car at gunpoint. The carjackers then drove the vehicle a short way before crashing it and fleeing the scene on foot. 

Justin Welby, left, and Cursitor Doom, right.

Police describe the suspects as middle-aged, balding, white Caucasian males with grey complexions. CCTV footage shows the men have a striking resemblance to the Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, and the Rev. Cursitor Doom, aka "Giles Fraser."

The Archbishop of Canterbury

Anyone with information about this crime is asked to call the Michigan Crime Line: 1-800-SPEAK-UP.

Lambeth Palace was unavailable for comment.

LSP

Tax The Robots

Bill Gates, the richest man that has ever been and the co-founder of Microsoft, has hit on a novel way to reverse the declining fortunes of the once great Church of England. Tax the robots.

The Church of England is currently plagued by automatons who robotically repeat the slogans of popular culture, leading to shrinking membership and deficit budgets.

The Mind of Synod

"The robots are killing us," stated one General Synod insider, "They won't shut up until the entire Church is gay married, or trans, or both. So normal people don't come anymore and giving is right down. With the Gates plan maybe we can turn the robots into profit centers."

The First Law of Robotics

Robots in the Church of England's General Synod recently decided that marriage wasn't confined to men and women. However, the shrinking denomination stopped short of affirming artificial intelligence marriage equality (AIME).

DAARPA

Rumors that the Archbishop of Canterbury, Justsin Welby, is a DAARPA manufactured AI are currently unconfirmed.

God bless,

LSP

The Archbishop of Canterbury Goes Dhimmwit

In his New Year address, the Archbishop of Canterbury, toffee nosed old Etonian, Justin Welby tried to pour cold water on Great Britain’s popular vote to leave the hated European Union and welcome "strangers."

A Muslim Stranger

Addressing the nation, the Church of England’s top bishop and former Elf Oil executive claimed that the democratically mandated BREXIT had left Great Britain divided and encouraged us to offer “hospitality to the stranger”.

Live Well Together, With Strangers

“Living well together despite our differences, offering hospitality to the stranger and those in exile, with unshakable hope for the future – these are the gifts, the commands and the promises of Jesus Christ,” stated Welby.

Dumbass

It sounds good, right? Very Christian, but hold on a minute, your Reverence! Who are these “strangers”? Surely not millions of military age Muslims, the kind of head chopping savages that drive trucks into Christmas markets or turn once happy Sweden into the rape capital of the world. We’re supposed to welcome these people into our countries, and that’s offering Christian “hospitality”?

Dhimmwit

What a load of dhimwitted old guff. Maybe Great Britain should have offered Hitler’s Nazis “unshakable hope” and welcomed them, “despite our differences” into the country. Great idea, bishop, except that it's risible drivel.

Sorry, Welby, why don’t you concentrate on your job and sort out the real difference that concerns you, the difference between you and everyone else that doesn’t attend your shrinking Church.

And stop being a dhimmwit,

LSP

Is Justin Welby The Mekon?

Startling photo-analysis reveals that the top decisionmaker in the Anglican Communion, Archbishop Justin Welby, is the Mekon. 

The Mekon

"The Archbishop of Canterbury's large, hairless, oval domehead, narrow chin and slit mouth are sure giveaways," stated one Xenologist, "And he sits on a throne, like the Mekon. He can never lose."

Justin Welby

The Mekon was created by scientific experimentation, and engineered for a very high intelligence. As such he has a swollen head containing his massive brain and atrophied body. His goal is the domination of the Anglican Communion by the Episcopal Church.

Artist's Impression of an Anglican Primate

The Archbishop of Canterbury has announced plans for a Primates Meeting in 2017. Will the primates obey their off-world ruler?

Lambeth Palace declined to comment,

LSP

Archbishop of Canterbury in Detroit Phone Heist?

Detroit police have released photos of a larceny suspect from the crime plagued city’s west side, to help investigators find the man wanted in connection with the incident.

A camera showed the suspect, wearing a stonewashed buttoned shirt, black T-shirt, dark shorts and white gym-shoes, inside the Marathon filling station in the 16300 block of Fenkell  at about 7 p.m. May 6. He then proceeded to grab a woman's cell phone and race from the store into a parked maroon vehicle, shouting, "Consequences!"

Authorities described him as a middle-aged Caucasian male, 5-foot-10, 160 pounds, with a gray complexion, and a startling resemblance to the Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby.

Anyone who has any information is asked to call the Detroit Police Eighth Precinct Investigative Unit at (313) 596-5840 or Crime Stoppers of Michigan at 1-800-SPEAK-UP.

Justin Welby was last seen attempting to pawn church regalia on the Motor City's notorious 8 Mile Road.

LSP

Archbishop of Canterbury Wants to Get Rid of AIDS

The Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, wants to eradicate AIDS by 2030. I hope he succeeds, that'd be grand, no more AIDS, though some have questioned why Anglicanism's top prelate isn't focusing on on other more widespread and equally deadly diseases.

In related news, the Church of England invests heavily in the rainbow tech giant, Google. How much money does the venerable CofE have with the Big Gay NWO champion of alternative gender identity and same-sex marriage? 

According to RT, some $22 million as of 2011.

Make of that what you will.

LSP

Massive Dust Devil Spotted on Mars

Lucky NASA boffins have captured an image of a massive dust devil on Mars, much larger than it is on earth.

The photo of the enormous whirling dust storm was caught by NASA's Opportunity rover as it trundled across the red planet's Meridiani Planum, and it left scientists excited.

Dust Devil

"This is one of the best dust devils that we have seen in Meridiani Planum," said lead investigator Ray Arvidson, "We are lucky to have captured this one in an image!"

Dust Devils form when hot air connects with wind sheer, producing a swirling mass of airborne grit, sand and dust.

Aerial View of a Dust Devil

The Anglican Consultative Council was unavailable for comment.

LSP

It's The Dyslexic Deacon!

The Dyslexic Deacon's back and he's back in force, reporting on the recent primates meeting in Canterbury. Over to you, Deacon.

Saucies closed to APB Justsin Wobbly have leaked a seekret reprot on the Naglican Conunuim. '38 Shades of Gay' reveels how conversative FAGCON prymates suckcessfully censered ACUSA (TEC) homosectual weddings at the resent cumming together in Cant A Becket. In the Indrotuction APB Justsin apollogises for the Conunium's phomohobic passed and looks forwood to censering homosectuals in the Cherch of Negland.

Thanks, Dyslexic Deacon, keep it coming!

LSP 

St. Thomas Becket

The Archbishop of Canterbury, no, not Justin, Thomas Becket!, died today in 1170, killed by 4 knights in Canterbury Cathedral. I used to offer prayers at his shrine when I was very young.

Here's an excerpt from New Advent: 

Four knights who came from France demanded the absolution of the bishops.St. Thomas would not comply. They left for a space, but came back at Vesper time with a band of armed men. To their angry question, "Where is the traitor?" the saint boldly replied, "Here I am, no traitor, but archbishop andpriest of God." They tried to drag him from the church, but were unable, and in the end they slew him where he stood, scattering his brains on the pavement. His faithful companion, Edward Grim, who bore his cross, was wounded in the struggle.

A tremendous reaction of feeling followed this deed of blood. In an extraordinary brief space of time devotion to the martyred archbishop had spread all through Europe. The pope promulgated the bull of canonization, little more than two years after the martyrdom, 21 February, 1173. On 12 July, 1174, Henry II did public penance, and was scourged at the archbishop's tomb.

That was then, this is now.

Good luck, Church of England, and who knows, perhaps St. Thomas Becket will intercede for the soul of Mr. Kilminster.

LSP 

Christmas Shopping, With LSP

You can go Christmas shopping on 5th Avenue, NYC; Knightsbridge, London; downtown Neiman Marcus and even North Park Mall in Dallas, or you can do it the LSP way.

That means a quick spin down Davies and a foray into some off-beat gifte shoppe, full of "artisanal" Christmas items. The hipster behind the counter was wearing a Santa's elf hat. The shoppe was empty and I didn't buy anything. 

Next stop? Jefferson, a thrift store, Justin Welby, and a second hand book shop, Lucky Dog Books. Maybe I'd get lucky at Lucky Dog Books, I thought to myself. Sure enough, I did. It'll be a literary Christmas for HQ Company.

Blue got some presents, too, and opened them early. But that's a different story.

It's a thug life,

LSP

Advent Lights

We've done Hanukkah and it was awesome, but now it's time for some Advent lights. Well, I guess they're the same as Christmas lights that somehow turn on early. But I'm not complaining.

I like to stroll down to the Courthouse, which is all lit up.

Some of the other strollers might be lit up, too.

I take a pistol, just in case. The lights in Dallas are greater, but so is the threat level.

Is that Justin Welby, cruising the pawns?

So there you have it, Advent greetings.

From Texas.

LSP

Archbishop of Canterbury Suspect in Detroit Carjacking

CCTV footage and a witness reconstruction, make Justin Welby, Archbishop of Canterbury, a prime suspect in a series of Detroit carjackings.

The most recent attack happened on Sunday at a gas station at McNichols Road and St. Mary’s Street. After purchasing Blunts, the carjackers ran up to a parked vehicle and robbed it's owner.

Carjacker Suspect

One of the carjackers was captured on in-store video surveillance, which agrees with the victim's description of one of his attackers as, "A balding, Eurolib technocrat, white Caucasian male."

Artist's Reconstruction

The images and description point to the Archbishop of Canterbury, who was recently involved in a mall brawl in a Detroit suburb and thrown out of a pawn shop on the Motor City's iconic 8 Mile Road.

Justin Welby in Mall Brawl

Police have appealed for information and warn the public that Welby is potentially dangerous.

Lambeth Palace was unavailable for comment.

LSP

Anglican Gender Justice

Do you remember the latest headline-breaking news about the Church of England? That it had launched a bold new ecotheology initiative to reduce its carbon footprint? Well, that's not all.

Gender Justice Warriors

Courageous Anglican gender justice warriors met at a workshop in London in March to kick off an "international movement for gender justice."

Anglican Communion Office

According to Revd Terrie Robinson, Director for Women in the Church and Society (WITCHS) at the Anglican Communion Office, “The workshop was a constructive reminder that we will travel further in our efforts for gender justice if we travel together. Women and men have become trapped in distorted mythologies around power which erode the status and agency of women, deny men and women the benefits of just gender relations, and get in the way of development, health and well-being."

Distorted Mythology?

Vicious rumors that the Anglican Communion Office has been taken over by space aliens are just that, rumors.

Travel Together

Former oil executive, Justsin Welby, is Archbishop of Canterbury.

LSP

Archimandrite Rips Welby

Russian Archmandrite, Nectarius, of St. Petersburg, has ripped into Justin Welby, the Archbishop of Canterbury, accusing Anglicanism's top pontiff of being influenced by demons.

"The soul of one who has fallen away from God," stated Nactarius, "is not in contact with the miracles of grace, but is subject to the invasion of false and demonic signs. This unfortunate man, the head of the church of England, has not been found worthy to witness a single miracle in his life."

The outspoken Archimandrite went on to blast Welby for his lack of belief, "For our part, we wonder why the former oil executive, Justin Welby, has not the honesty to give up his large salary and prestigious home and hand over his office to someone who actually believes in and knows Jesus Christ, the Son of God."

Fit To Fight?

Nectarius' rip followed Welby's interview with the left-leaning U.K. newspaper, the Independent, in which the Archbishop admitted he didn't believe in God when he was jogging.

"The other day I was praying over something as I was running and I ended up saying to God, Look this is all very well but isn’t it about time you did something – if you’re there," said the former "oil shark" and Old Etonian.

Out, Demons, Out!

Rumors that boxes of old socks are being sent to Lambeth Palace in an attempt to add General Patton to the Anglican Calendar are entirely true.

God bless.

LSP