Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Return of the Kentucky Goblin

A strange creature has been terrifying rural Kentucky. Described as humanoid in shape, the small creature has a bulbous white head and staring eyes. Frightened locals call it the "Kentucky Goblin."

While Goblin sightings have been reported in Kentucky since the 1950s, recent appearances indicate that the mysterious being is something more than a myth, and possibly a threat to children. 

According to one resident who has been terrorized by the Goblins:
These beings appear to be the size and stature of a small child, devoid of any facial features save for large, oily eyes and lipless mouths. They frighten my children by peering through their bedroom windows, chirping at one another. They actively attempt to enter my home in the middle of the night. Last month they took my dog.

Artist's Reconstruction of the Goblin Terrorizing a Farm

It is believed that the Kentucky Goblin lives in an abandoned mine, and the only way to get rid of the creature is to destroy the underground structure.

I believe they are coming from an abandoned mine located on the edge of my property. Though I’m armed, I’m afraid that I’m far too frightened to enter the mine by my lonesome, and cannot convince any sympathetic friends to accompany me, though I cannot blame them. I am convinced that the only answer is to collapse the mine.

The Bishop of the Episcopal Diocese of Kentucky, Terry White, is an enthusiastic supporter of gay marriage rituals. 

According to church statistics, the Diocese of Kentucky's Sunday worshiping attendance fell by a whopping 19.2% between 2003 and 2013.

Police have stated that the Goblin is an animal.



LL said...

Terry White could easily be the goblin you write of. At the time of these attacks, if uneaten trash is consumed by the goblin, consider plump Terry as the culprit.

LSP said...

I'm not saying that the goblin for sure the Bishop of Kentucky, but that would definitely be an indicator.

LL said...

X-Ray Bishop White's stomach to see if he's been visiting planned parenthood. That would be a dead give-away. I'm not suggesting that he'd pay - just eat the left-overs.

lukeya said...

What is he goblin? That's what I'd like to know

LSP said...

The Episcopal Church enthusiastically supports PP...

LSP said...

That's a good question, Lukeya. I'm not an expert, but three large "squares" is probably the least of it.